Jokes anyone? -

Keith1 · Apr 9, 2016

There is no doubt: Old 'uns are best. To wit:

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oNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w

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ontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> A young captain in the Legion Etrangees arrived at an army camp in the Sahara desert.

During his first inspection he noticed a camel tethered
behind the mess tent. He asked a sergeant why the camel was there.

"Well Sir, as you know, there are 250 Men here and no Women and Sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we keep Molly here."

"Hmm; I can't say I condone it but I understand, so she can stay."

A month later, he started to have urges of his own and asked the sergeant to bring Molly to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind her, he set about relieving his carnal needs.

"Is that how the men do it?" he asked as he came down the ladder.

"Not really, Sir. They usually ride her into the village where the girls are."

Sorry, but its still funny...:drunk:

Pete · Apr 10, 2016

A man was telling his buddy...

You won't believe what happened last night . .. . . my daughter walked into the living room and said;
Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out,
throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.

Please take any of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.

Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again and don't forget to write me out of your will, and leave my share to any charity you choose.

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend. "She actually said all that “

"Well, she didn't use those exact words. Actually she said.. ."Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed".

Nick Brough · Apr 13, 2016

What it's like to be British!!

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

Larry L. · Apr 14, 2016

Nick Brough said:
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

That one is pretty darned universal!

Keith1 · Apr 14, 2016

A lot of that is bang on Nick...

Sad lot aren't we?

Larry L. · Apr 14, 2016

Keith1 said:
A lot of that is bang on Nick...

Sad lot aren't we?

We ALL are...

Pete · Apr 14, 2016

I'm not.

Larry L. · Apr 14, 2016

Pete said:
I'm not.

You're an exception to darned near EVERY rule, Pete!

Nick Brough · Apr 14, 2016

Keith1 said:
A lot of that is bang on Nick...

Sad lot aren't we?

Endearing I think rather than sad, then perhaps that's because I do quite a few of them

Larry L. · Apr 15, 2016

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a bayou just outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open."

"She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! "Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took."

"The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. "It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer fees was incredible..."

MikeP · Apr 22, 2016

A Liverpool girl goes to the office to register for child benefit
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl
"Ten?" says the welfare worker
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it"
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day.

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!

Don't blame me. I don't invent this crap.

Cheers
Mike

Pete · Apr 22, 2016

Allah's Will ...

I decided to go to the local mosque at Lakemba in western Sydney for the first time to see what it was all about.

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside and f--- me

MY CAR WAS GONE!!!!

David Morton · May 7, 2016

*An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along
An Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and ......... a
Genie appeared! "I can only grant four wishes!" the Genie said. "Since
there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece!"
Pointing to the Maori, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish.
"The Maori thought for a moment, then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can
gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa. "Poof!
It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline. The Indian said,
"I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!"
Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.The Muslim
said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of mypeople away
from this horrible country infested with infidels so we canlive in peace in
Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah." Poof! It was done! A hundred
thousand camels suddenly appeared on thebeach.
Turning to the Australian,
the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?" The Aussie watched as the loaded
aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched
the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the
Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.
He said, "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better than this!"

Pete · May 8, 2016

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Pete · May 10, 2016

Who would’ve thought, one can relate Humour and I.T, all in the same story…….

This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family
happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking
for an answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship?
How do you bring back the excitement of the first date?

She wrote a letter to the tech support to find her answers. She sent
the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly
received an email notification with a response.

DEAR TECH SUPPORT,

'Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought
you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your system resources).
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!'

Nick Brough · May 16, 2016

American English

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChZsxcCSCOw

Pete · May 26, 2016

I went to the Doctor last week he gave me a script for some suppository's and told me to take them up the back passage twice a day. I took them in the back passage, took them in the hall, took them in the bedroom, for all the good they did me I could have shoved them up my arse.

Nick Brough · May 26, 2016

From a newspaper letters page

SIR – Major Robert Erith’s memories of the late Major Eric Garbutt remind me of my own training at the Royal Military Academy.

My platoon colour sergeant was an inspirational Coldstream Guardsman called David Gajda. On one particular barrack room inspection, he found a dead fly in my locker. This resulted in two punishment inspections: the first for having a pet, and the second for not feeding it.

Larry L. · May 27, 2016

Larry L. · May 27, 2016

Blonde Mortician
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blond says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Jokes anyone? -

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

Nick

Larry L.

Keith

Larry L.

Pete McCluskey.

Larry L.

Nick

Larry L.

Mike Pass

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