Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
Metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take
Your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
Went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
Out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
Go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A man goes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly. "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."​

 

[Charlie Farley]

Hehe Pete, especially the assasin joke.



An Italian Boy’s Confession


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I can not tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"

4 months vacation and five good leads.

 

[Scott Calabro]

A woman awakes during the night to find that
her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look
for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you
down here at this time of night?'

Do you remember when I met you and you were only
16?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her
husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in
the back seat of my car, making love?' 'Yes, I remember' says the wife, lowering
herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... 'Do you remember when he
shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will
send you to jail for
20 years?'' 'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

I would have gotten out today.

 

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Variation on a them I've seen before::cheesy:


A biker was riding along a Californian beach when suddenly the skyclouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said " I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said,"Please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?!"

 

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest
and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. - Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish
moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin
w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

:lol::lol::lol: Been there many times.

 

[David Morton]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
pub and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and
I don't give a shit.

 

[David Morton]

http://www.weewilliewalsh.co.uk/

Quite topical.......................

 

[Bill Bayard]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times
a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
"Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
"Same illness, better insurance."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

We are in trouble...</B><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.gt40s.com/forum/ /><o:p></o:p>[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR]
<font face=" /><o:p></o:p>[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[B]<o:p></o:p>



[SIZE=4]The population of The United States is 300 million.





[SIZE=4]160 million are retired.





[SIZE=4]That leaves 140 million to do the work.






[SIZE=4]There are 85 million in school.






[SIZE=4]Which leaves 55 million to do the work.







[SIZE=4]Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.








[SIZE=4]Leaving 15 million to do the work.







[SIZE=4]2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
[SIZE=4]Bin-Laden.



[SIZE=4]Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.








[SIZE=4]Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
[SIZE=4]Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.








[SIZE=4]At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.









[SIZE=4]Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.






[SIZE=4]Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons





[SIZE=4]That leaves just two people to do the work






[SIZE=4]You and me.



[SIZE=4]And there you are,




[SIZE=4]Sitting on your ass,







[SIZE=4]At your computer, reading jokes.



[SIZE=4]Nice. Real nice
[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][/B]

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

I've got a dog.
I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Meaty Bites Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

<o></o>
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.

<o></o>
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me

 

[Mal]

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.

Pete, It's not really that bad cos you lost 5 million in the above lines.When I looked there were only 16 of us reading 40's jokes so the rest must be working.

 

[Geoff Hurrell]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down.

....

....

...

....

....

....

.....

....

....

....

....

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen now run along and put the kettle on.

 

[John]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed
as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and
you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed
as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



scroll down...


















...




...

Answer:

Get off the Kids Merry Go Round ya Walley, you're pissed.

 

[Jay V]

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information , but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, The End.


----------------------------------------------

 

[Simon]

Also sadly NOT just applicable to the USA!
It would be funny if it wasn't so damn near the truth!

 

[David Morton]

Not quite joky but what the hell:

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

​

Inthe 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" ​

​

-------------------------------------------

​

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ​

------------------------------------------- ​

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

​

------------------------------------------- ​

​

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.

​

-------------------------------------------

​

​

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

​

------------------------------------------- ​

​

Coca-Cola was originally green.​

-------------------------------------------

​

It is impossible to lick your elbow. ​

-------------------------------------------

​

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: ​

Alaska​

------------------------------------------- ​

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) ​

------------------------------------------- ​

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: ​

61,000​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: ​

Spades - King David ​

Hearts - Charlemagne ​

Clubs -Alexander, the Great ​

Diamonds - Julius Caesar​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? ​

A. Their birthplace​

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession​

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand​

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? ​

A. All were invented by women.​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? ​

A. Honey​

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? ​

A. Father's Day​

------------------------------------------------------------ ​

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. ​

​

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------

​

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." ​

​

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! ​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. ​

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? ​

​

​

------------------------------------------------------------------------ ​

​

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when... ​

​

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. ​

​

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. ​

​

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. ​

​

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. ​

​

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. ​

​

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. ​

​

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen ​

​

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. ​

​

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. ​

​

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) ​

​

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. ​

​

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. ​

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. ​

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. ​

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ ​

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.​

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! ​

​

 

[Chris E]

Dave
On one of your 'Interesting Stuff' facts :::


Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

Isn't the correct answer 'One Hundred And One' ?

 

[David Morton]

Hi Chris,
You must of course be correct though it may just be the way in America.
Obviously I didn't write it.
I'm not that clever...
Dave M