Jokes anyone? -

[John]

Now now Pete theres a few Kiwis on here remember,

a kiwi and his Ausiie mate were sitting in the pup having a couple of quiet sherbits one day.
hey bloke,says the Kiwi, if you woke up one morning with grass stains on both knees and a used franger hanging out ya freckle would ya tell anyone.
hell no cobber , replies the aussie
kiwi smiles and says thats good
wanna come camping this weekend

cheers Kaspa

 

[Bill Bayard]

For The CSI fans out there

British CSI - AOL Video

 

[Simon]

A little old man totters into the chemist to buy some viagra
can I have 4 tablets and can you cut them in to quarters for me he asks
The chemist replies I'll cut them into quarters for you but a quarter of a tablet won't give you a full erection.
The old man says I'm 96 and don't have much use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't keep pi$$ing on my slippers

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

What's in a name? Seen on a Perth cab driver's licence.

 

[Bill Musarra]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him via a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and delivered it to the gentleman.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note , handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio, But, not even for a woman as stylish and beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

 

[Phil]

Two Englishmen are opening a store in downtown London, they mostly have an empty space with a few boxes and are painting and making the store ready. They decide to take a break and sit down on some boxes. One of the men makes a comment that they will probably get some customers even though they are nowhere near ready for business, and no sooner are the words out of his mouth when a Scotsman pokes his head in the door and asks "what are you selling?". One of the Englishmen sarcastically replies "assholes". Whereupon the Scotsman replies "well, you're doing good...only got two left"

Cheers

 

[Greg Marriott]

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely New Zealander. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 

[Bill Musarra]

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around thearea. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to
him and asked, 'did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to
the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel
eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the
colony's facilities. He entered the
sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within
seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man,
'It's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me..' The huge
man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony
office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked
receptionist, 'May I helpyou?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the
key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been
here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to se all our facilities.'
Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an
erection once a month,but I fart 15 times a day. I'm
\outta here.'

 

[Jay V]

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,
walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud
conversation and every once in a while "the
lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place
would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,
the room went dead silent.


She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn
you that there is a statue of a naked man in
there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,"
said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back
of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and
the whole place stopped just long enough to
give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir,
I don't understand. Why did they applaud
for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said
the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand,"
said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time
someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the
lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<HR style="COLOR: #d1d1e1" SIZE=1> <!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->
Three New Zealanders and three Australians are travelling by train to a yachting conference in England.
At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?" askes one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and Learn", answers one of the Aussies.
They all board the train.
The Kiwis take their respective seats, but the three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shotly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet doorr and says "Tickets please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Aussies didn't buy a ticket at all!.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket? says one perplexed Kiwi.
"Watch and learn" answers one of the Aussies.
When they board the train, the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says "Tickets please".

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4.
" Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.
" The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did to me sister ......!!

 

[RichardH]

Men Are Just Happier People
>
>
> NICKNAMES
> If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
> Kate and Sarah ..
> If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
> as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
>
> EATING OUT
> When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
> though it's only for £32.50.
> None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
> want change back.
> When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
> MONEY
> A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
>
> BATHROOMS
> A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
> cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
> The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
> A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>
> ARGUMENTS
> A woman has the last word in any argument.
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
> CATS
> Women love cats.
> Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
>
> FUTURE
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> SUCCESS
> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
> MARRIAGE
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
> DRESSING UP
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
> answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
> A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>
> NATURAL
> Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
> OFFSPRING
> Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
> She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
> foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> A married man should forget his mistakes.
> There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
>
> SO, Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
> reading it !
>

 

[Brian Kissel]

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

John O'Reilly hoist ed his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 

[Duncan Potter]

Molly Murphy was washing dishes when the parish priest knocked at her door.

"Come in Father," she says.

"Molly, I hate to tell you this, but there's been a accident down at the distillery and your husband Sean has been killed."

Sinking to her knees in despair she says, "Father that's the worst news you could have brought. What happened?"

"Sean fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Father, I can't bear to think o' my Sean a sufferin'. Tell me he went quickly."

"I canna tell ya that, Molly. He got out three times to pee."

 

[Simon]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw. (substitute you best loved politicians if not in the UK)

They're asking for a £10 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

 

[Keith]

If you've had kids, you'll know what this feels like...

LeavingHome.flv - Video - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

 

[Jay V]

Hypnotist at Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced,Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antiquepocket watch from his coat.

'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch...'

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of
eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces...................

'SHIT!' said the hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

THE ZIPPER

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a
bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,
'Your fly is open.'

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady
was that told him about his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have
a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,
'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in
there at attention?'

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and
said 'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on
a couple of old duffel bags.

 

[John Coombs]

<tt><tt>The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he
was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good
news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens
demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
morning."</tt></tt></pre>

 

[Garry]

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>​

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending
their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling
them, 'In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor'.
</PRE>
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
the animal body. As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, </PRE>
stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,
withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and
do the same thing,' he told his students.The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and
sucking on it.
</PRE>When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and
said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now
learn to pay attention. Life's tough. It's even tougher if
you're stupid.'