Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.


A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.:thumbsup:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

THE MONKEY STORY

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an officer from the local Air Force base came in and said to
the shopkeeper, "I'll take one of those monkeys, please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out
a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the
officer saying, "That'll be $2000, please."

The officer paid and left with the monkey.


The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that
one cost so much?"


The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can
rig aircraft flight controls, pass the Air Force fitness test, set up a perimeter
defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or
complaints. it's well worth the money."


The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more
expensive! $10000!! What does it do?", he asked.


"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer'
monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance
at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A
very useful monkey indeed."


The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage. This time the price tag was $50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed,
"This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it
do?"


"Actually," said the shopkeeper," I've never really seen him do anything but
drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers
say he's a Pilot.

 

[Jack]

Hey Pete!

Do you know the difference between a pig and a fighter pilot?

The pig doesn't go to bars looking to pick up fighter pilots.

 

[Keith]

THE MONKEY STORY

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an officer from the local Air Force base came in and said to
the shopkeeper, "I'll take one of those monkeys, please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out
a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the
officer saying, "That'll be $2000, please."

The officer paid and left with the monkey.


The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that
one cost so much?"


The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can
rig aircraft flight controls, pass the Air Force fitness test, set up a perimeter
defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or
complaints. it's well worth the money."


The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more
expensive! $10000!! What does it do?", he asked.


"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer'
monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance
at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A
very useful monkey indeed."


The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage. This time the price tag was $50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed,
"This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it
do?"


"Actually," said the shopkeeper," I've never really seen him do anything but
drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers
say he's a Pilot.

Ooooh Pete - you are brave..:bow:

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii Lord so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'.

 

[David Morton]

The ffice:smarttags" /><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Newcastle</st1:City> manager Chris Hughton, flies to <st1lace w:st="on">Bagdad</st1lace> to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to St James park.
<B><FONT face="Comic Sans MS"><FONT size=3><FONT color=teal><FONT color=teal><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Two weeks later <st1:City w:st="on">Newcastle</st1:City> are 4-0 down to <st1lace w:st="on">West Brom</st1lace> with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.<o></o>
<o></o>
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for <st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Newcastle</st1lace></st1:City>. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.<o></o>
<o></o>
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.<o></o>
<o></o>
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won, Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'<o></o>
<o></o>
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing bloody football.'<o></o>
<o></o>
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'<o></o>
<o></o>
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to <st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Newcastle</st1lace></st1:City> in the first Place."<o></o>

 

[David Lowe]

Japanese Hotel Service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ...

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 15.00 Yen, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.'

The salesman looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
Out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

An Irish couple, just married, turn up at a Hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

The hotel receptionist asks “Do you have reservations?”

Bride says “I’m a bit worried about taking it up the arse”

 

[Keith]

It just keeps getting better and better. Keep it up guys...:thumbsup:

 

[Kevin Box]

Greenies - Gotta Luv em

The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens. All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,

"Son, I don't think you understand our problem . . . .

Those dingos ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eating ‘em!"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize... you need to break wind!

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your Ipod.

........................................................................................................................

Two blokes, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Wal Mart when they collide.

The old timer says to the young bloke, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young bloke says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old bloke says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young bloke says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'


Most Old timers are helpful like that!

 

[Russ Noble]

Aussie blondes.......



"Hi Mum, How are you?"

"Hi Julie, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Bunnings."

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this Aboriginal woman in the head."


"What on earth, why did you do that?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

 

[Peter Delaney]

Let me see if I understand all this...

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS
HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BOARDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, PENSION CARD, WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.

 

[Malcolm]

Seems its a toss up between Australia, UK or USA then!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Let me see if I understand all this...

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS
HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BOARDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, PENSION CARD, WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.

Wrong Forum Peter, that's not a joke its the truth. You also forgot to mention that cab companies get a subsidy to employ them.

 

[Bill Musarra]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

 

[Bill Musarra]

A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

 

[Ian Anderson]

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."


Honestly some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"


Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"


My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.


Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!


They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!


Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.


Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"


A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

 

[Simon]

Kodak moments......

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton ...


One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:...... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica , their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill .

Titanic:...... During the ordeal, Rose 's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica .

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit..
Clinton :.. Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica ' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :...... Clinton doesn't remember Jack ...

Titanic:...... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica .. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

Not bad....not bad.