Jokes anyone? -

The Darwin awards are out again it seems :-

[SIZE=+1]The Darwins are out!!!![/SIZE][SIZE=+1] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]Here is the glorious winner:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]And now, the honorable mentions:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?][/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape....[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER][/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] [/SIZE]


[SIZE=+1]*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce..and they can vote![/SIZE]
 
2 friends in front of a beer talking of sex positions:

A: which is your fav one?
B: Rodeo !!
A: never heard it...what is?
B: simple... u take your girl in doggystyle and start your action...then u whisper in her ears "this is your sister favourite position"...and then u have to resist there at least 8 seconds!

:D
 

David Lowe

Lifetime Supporter
Apples and Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
 
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?



The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.


3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.


4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.


7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard a foreign accent.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
 
If this has been posted before my apologies

Dear Mr. Cameron,



Please find below our suggestion for fixing England 's economy.



Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.



You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:



There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.



Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations:



1) They MUST retire.


Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed


2) They MUST buy a new British car.



Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed


3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -



Housing Crisis fixed


4) They MUST send their kids toschool/college/university -



Crime rate fixed



5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....



and there's your money back in duty/tax etc


6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme
that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to
reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them
down.



It can't get any easier than that!



P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances



If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard.



Grumpies of the World Unite



Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing
home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying
it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with
gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and
pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.



Think about this (more points of contention):


------------------------------------------------------------------------

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the
mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in
the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our
country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a
Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?

It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
centuries and we're not using it anymore.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also;

Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of
offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us
grumpy old folk (of Britain) to speak up!
 
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if
he's looking for a male or female horse;" A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the
horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him
the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this
point, but he picks him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Really irritated now, the rancher grabs the midget and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and asks "anything else you wanna see?"

The midget sputtering and coughing replys, "Perhapth I should rephrase that last one. Can I thee her wun
awound a widdlebit"?
 

Keith

Moderator
Pigeon.jpg



WITH BREATHLESS ANTICIPATION THE CROWD EAGERLY AWAITED THE UNVEILING OF THE NEW OBAMA STATUE IN WASHINGTON
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.'

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'

'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order,he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist;
all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was.........God!I miss him!!!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'
'Good,' said the lawyer, 'but, why?'

'Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!'
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Shhhhhh, Don't tell anyone, I'm gonna go down on you and you're gonna love it, but it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it.

Then I'm gonna come back up again and f*ck you big time.

Lots of love,
Petrol prices xxx.
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling but it came crashing down when the wife and I were shagging.

Whilst in hospital the nurse said, "Who was on top?"

"She was," I replied,

"I see," said the nurse, "She has several lacerations to her head, back and legs, but could you explain how she managed to dislocate her jaw?"

"Nobody criticises my DIY."
 

Doug S.

The protoplasm may be 72, but the spirit is 32!
Lifetime Supporter
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Kansas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rolling hills and Prairies, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and the plains."

Then God Said, "This is Kansas, the center of America.
The people of Kansas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."


Cheers from Doug!!
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Did I read that sign right?



In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT� GOES OUT

In a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN





In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.�� WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
 
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<FONT size=3>The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. " "Very good, Mary" said the teacher

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say,"It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Obama approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
<FONT color=black><FONT face=Arial><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
TR><TR style=
<TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0in; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 0in 0in" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 0in" width="100%"></TD><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=bottom></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>garry


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way computers have enhanced our lives (!?!), read on....
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this
part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
run on only five percent of the roads.

6 The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call
'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some
foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
....................................................................................................................

I met a bloke today who told me his brother is a skydiver. Not just any old skydiver, his brother is blind. I said wow, thats amazing, how does he know when to pull the ripcord? He told me he pulls it as soon as his guidedogs leash goes slack
 
Last edited:

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard,
a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian,
a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub…
The barman says… Wait for it…



















"Sorry gentlemen, I can't let you in without a Thai…!!
 

flatchat(Chris)

Supporter
One for the girls -------------------
I'm selling my microwave mate, the kid put his pet rooster in it, now every thing tastes like cock.-- thought you might be interested?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
 
Red Indian Head Band
Have you ever wondered what the feathers in a Red Indians head band stood for?
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
"Feathers show number of sexual partners" the Chief replied.
Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him.....", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress and remarked, "But you have so many feathers!"
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all wome, big tits, small, fat, tall. me no care"
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"
The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer", said the Chief.
"Ass too high, run too fast."

Garry
 
A Male Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful princess,
“Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, “NO!” and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and fucked skinny big titted chicks and hunted and fished and
raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank
whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid
child support or alimony and ate pussies and ass fucked cheerleaders and
kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and
all his friends and family thought he was fuckin cool as hell and he had
tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The end
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get
Me Out of Here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been
living off a dead beetle for the last thirty years.

I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders, all I said was, 'Hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small
White patch, so I've named him Birmingham.

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert
£2 and push knob in'.


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that
guy’s heading for a breakdown’

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from
behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking
Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our
country?'
 
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