Jokes anyone? -

David Morton · Apr 27, 2011

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urple;text-decoration:underline;}.ExternalClass #ecxyiv1097053608 #ecxyiv1097053608AOLMsgPart_2_a4002696-3f93-4e37-ac53-e513c67f5a47 SPAN.ecxyiv1097053608EmailStyle17{font-family:'sans-serif';color:windowtext;}.ExternalClass #ecxyiv1097053608 #ecxyiv1097053608AOLMsgPart_2_a4002696-3f93-4e37-ac53-e513c67f5a47 SPAN.ecxyiv1097053608SpellE{;}.ExternalClass #ecxyiv1097053608 #ecxyiv1097053608AOLMsgPart_2_a4002696-3f93-4e37-ac53-e513c67f5a47 .ecxyiv1097053608MsoChpDefault{;}.ExternalClass #ecxyiv1097053608 #ecxyiv1097053608AOLMsgPart_2_a4002696-3f93-4e37-ac53-e513c67f5a47 DIV.ecxyiv1097053608WordSection1{;}</STYLE>A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will'.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

David Morton · Apr 27, 2011

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was
telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at
this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in
this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk??

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

trader · Apr 27, 2011

^:laugh::laugh: :thumbsup: :laugh: Come on that was funny.

David O · Apr 27, 2011

I just want to know why you would a bag to go golfing with you...I'd go with one that looked like something! HA!

Keith1 · May 5, 2011

POLICE SPOT CHECK

"Madam, may I see your Insurance Certificate please"?

"Of course officer, I'm sure it's in the glovebox- give me a moment"

"Ah, no, it doesn't appear to be there"

"Madam, are you sure? Take Another look"

"Er, no officer, it really isn't in there"

"Come on madam, I know it's in there, or are you afraid to show me that it's run out?"

No, no officer, it definitely isn't in the glove box."

OK Madam, humour me - just one more look please."

"Oh OK, once more but I'm telling you straight - IT'S NOT IN THERE!"

Keith1 · May 5, 2011

Dang, but that darn Photobucket stole my pic (again)

So, let's do it this way instead...

POLICE SPOT CHECK

"Madam, may I see your Insurance Certificate please"?

"Of course officer, I'm sure it's in the glovebox- give me a moment"

"Ah, no, it doesn't appear to be there"

"Madam, are you sure? Take Another look"

"Er, no officer, it really isn't in there"

"Come on madam, I know it's in there, or are you afraid to show me that it's run out?"

No, no officer, it definitely isn't in the glove box."

OK Madam, humour me - just one more look please."

"Oh OK, once more but I'm telling you straight - IT'S NOT IN THERE!"

IanAnderson · May 10, 2011

Guy goes into a bar and orders a "Bin Larden" whats that then says the bartender. Guy says " Two shots and a splash of salt water ".

Just been in Starbucks for a osama bin latte. It has a soft head with two shots in it.

dwarf shortage.

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...
The 5 stages of buying petrol.

Kate Middeltons's sister Pippa Middleton's apparently her bridesmaid dress is like a J.K. Rowling book because you know at some point Harry's going to be in it.

IanAnderson · May 10, 2011

two testicles were arguing over what they really were. the first said "i think were walnuts". the second said "nah were chestnuts". the penis turns to them and says "will you two shut up, youre both just talking bollocks"

Olivier · May 11, 2011

Two spermatozoids are talking during their trip:

The first asks: "Do you think we're still far from our goal?"

The second answers "Come on! For sure it will be a long trip...

We'va just past the throat!"

flatchat · May 11, 2011

Bin Laden was recently spotted in Alice Springs (Central Australia) visiting some 'lations --- Bin Hidin', Bin Drinkin', Bin Bludgin', Bin Stealin', Bin Stoned, --etc

glarrivee · May 11, 2011

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool..

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while
pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a
car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer,
that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Pete · May 11, 2011

flatchat said:
Bin Laden was recently spotted in Alice Springs (Central Australia) visiting some 'lations --- Bin Hidin', Bin Drinkin', Bin Bludgin', Bin Stealin', Bin Stoned, --etc

I bet he couldn't find Bin Workin.

mikegaan · May 13, 2011

A buck to anyone who can keep from LOL.
YouTube - LO MEJOR DEL EJERCITO.mpg

jimbo · May 14, 2011

Yes and there's another one on the YT page which is even funnier...the drawing class.

wbmusarra · May 15, 2011

At a church service one morning, the Preacher said "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward and kneel by the altar."

With that, LeRoy got in line, and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "LeRoy, how can I help you?"

LeRoy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Preacher put one finger in LeRoy's ear, placed his other hand on top of LeRoy's head, and prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for LeRoy, and the entire congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher stepped back and said "How is your hearing now, LeRoy?!"

"I don't know", answered Leroy. "It ain't until next week!"

nota2266 · May 16, 2011

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

nota2266 · May 16, 2011

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words... but what's the dollar for?" he asked.

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea."

Keith1 · May 16, 2011

These are really silly. Sorry...

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unspeakable things to me.................

Bought the missus some crotchless knickers yesterday, It had nothing to
do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her
broomstick..

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s
all tongue and groove................

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say
it’s definitely race related .....................

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...........................

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.....................

Pete · May 17, 2011

The Human body is amazing

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women

will be finished reading this by now.

Men

are still busy checking their thumbs.

Olivier · May 17, 2011

And I was thinking Uma was one of my favorites....

Jokes anyone? -

David Morton

David Morton

Damian

David O

Keith

Keith

Attachments

Ian Anderson

Ian Anderson

Olivier S

flatchat(Chris)

Gary

Pete McCluskey.

Mike

Jim Rosenthal

Bill Musarra

Trevor Booth

Trevor Booth

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

Olivier S

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