Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Jeff Young
GT40s Supporter
The angle in the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat in the meat.
--Beavis, circa 1993.
--Beavis, circa 1993.
Squared by the mass of the ass!
--Butthead (about the same time I reckon). :shocked:
Pat
Supporter
Ole the Goose Hunter
Ole was hunting geese up in the slough.
He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to pee, and as luck would have it,
the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage,
and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."
Ole was hunting geese up in the slough.
He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to pee, and as luck would have it,
the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage,
and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."
A business man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf.."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf.."
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basictraining.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down the enemy. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
If you send this to your senior friends make sure it's in big type so they can read it.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basictraining.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down the enemy. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
If you send this to your senior friends make sure it's in big type so they can read it.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Straight to the classics file!:lol::lol::lol::lol:
Political Axioms
If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress...but then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countriesto rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress...but then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countriesto rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Don't steal
The Government hates competition!
The Government hates competition!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE.
THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.B AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED SAYING "HEY OLD WOMAN "HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE ... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET...
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF-- STARTED HOPPING AROUND LIKE A FLEA ON A HOT SKILLET.B EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING, FIT TO BE TIED.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS...
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATLY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM ... BUT ... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.B AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED SAYING "HEY OLD WOMAN "HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE ... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET...
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF-- STARTED HOPPING AROUND LIKE A FLEA ON A HOT SKILLET.B EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING, FIT TO BE TIED.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS...
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATLY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM ... BUT ... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Students at a local school were assigned to read two books,
'Titanic' by James Cameron & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they
were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton : cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
'Titanic' by James Cameron & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they
were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton : cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . . "And you, Tanya?............................................
" I wanna be Little Johnny's bitch!"
Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . . "And you, Tanya?............................................
" I wanna be Little Johnny's bitch!"
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
There is a story about Churchill which I will attempt to repeat here:
Evidently Mr. Churchill, who was (as usual) a bit intoxicated, was seated across the table from an extremely homely woman at a formal dinner party. He peered over at her, and finally said, "Madam, you are the ugliest woman with whom I have ever sat at dinner."
The woman dinner guest, very offended with him, said "Mr. Churchill, you, sir, are drunk!"
To which Churchill replied, "Yes, madam, but in the morning I will be sober- and you will still be ugly..."
My kind of fellow....
Evidently Mr. Churchill, who was (as usual) a bit intoxicated, was seated across the table from an extremely homely woman at a formal dinner party. He peered over at her, and finally said, "Madam, you are the ugliest woman with whom I have ever sat at dinner."
The woman dinner guest, very offended with him, said "Mr. Churchill, you, sir, are drunk!"
To which Churchill replied, "Yes, madam, but in the morning I will be sober- and you will still be ugly..."
My kind of fellow....
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
I think it was Lady Astor, they locked horns quite a bit.
Another story is she said to Winston "if you were my husband I'd give you poison". To which he replied " Madam if you were my wife I'd drink it".
Another story is she said to Winston "if you were my husband I'd give you poison". To which he replied " Madam if you were my wife I'd drink it".
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Now THAT is pretty fine.... you don't hear comebacks quite that witty over here, do you....a shame, really, as we can be as nasty as anyone, but without the refinement. Too bad.
