Jokes anyone? -

IanAnderson · Apr 3, 2012

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
_______________________________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
_______________________________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
_______________________________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the look of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.'
_______________________________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
_____________________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
_____________________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
_____________________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
_____________________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical
Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the
doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
_____________________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
_______________________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'

tractorboy · Apr 3, 2012

Pete, I'm in stitches mate! I must be queer cuz I'm crying from laughing so hard. Bloody Brilliant.

Pete · Apr 3, 2012

tractorboy said:
Pete, I'm in stitches mate! I must be queer cuz I'm crying from laughing so hard. Bloody Brilliant.

Yep, you're gay:laugh: but thanks anyway.

Nick Brough · Apr 3, 2012

Compared with Petrol......

Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes you think and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Apple Juice 16 oz - £1.29 ....... £10.32 per gallon.

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz - £1.19 ........... £9.52 per gallon.

Ocean Spray 16 oz - £1.25 ............ £10.00 per gallon.

Brake Fluid 12 oz - £3.15 ............. £33.60 per gallon.

Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz - £8.35 ........ £178.13 per gallon.

Pepto Bismol 4 oz - £3.85 ........... £123.20 per gallon.

Tippex (White out)7 oz - £1.39 ....... £5.42 per gallon.
And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water 9 oz - £1.49 ……….. £21.19 per gallon.

£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

You don’t even want to compare it with
perfume or after shave!!!!!!!

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at
(you won’t believe it ..... but it is true ........)

£5,200 per gallon ... (Five thousand two hundred pounds)

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!

Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.
And If you don’t pass this along to at least one person, your exhaust will fall off!!

Pete · Apr 3, 2012

More of Chopper Reid For you Jimmy, on airport security. If bad language offends do not open.

Chopper Read Parody - Airport Security - YouTube

delaneyp · Apr 4, 2012

So folks, now you know what Canada thinks about the misuse of human beings.

A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian

Government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents

(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System

facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.

She received back the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of

treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by

Canadian Forces that were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan

Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in

Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions

were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to

learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are

creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence,
to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' programme or

L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new programme, we have decided

to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for

transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto

next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be

cared for by you pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in

your letter of complaint!

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of

care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended

in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent,

we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his

'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural

differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home

schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in

hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a

pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your

next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or

relatives about your house guest, as he might become agitated or even violent, but

we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a

wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so

you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion)

this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or

your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman

form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his

sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known

to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the

new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka

over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his

culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern.

We truly appreciate it when folk like you keep us informed of the

proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defence

Phil · Apr 4, 2012

The local priest is just starting Sunday mass and notices Murphy sitting in the last pew, since he's not been to church in 20 years the priest makes a point in catching up to him after mass.
"So Murphy, its good to see you at mass today...have you finally seen the light?"
Murphy replies "Father, I must confess I am not here in an honorable way, I lost my favorite hat about two weeks ago, and I remembered that O'Reilly had an identical hat, I figured I would attend church today and during the communion I would sneak out and steal his hat being that he hangs it up in the foyer before sitting for mass."
"Well man you stayed for the whole mass ....what happened?"
"Father, I heard your sermon today on the Ten Commandments"
"Ahhh. so you heard Thou shalt not steal and that did it?"
"No" says Murphy
"When you got to the one about Adultery I remembered where my hat was."

Pete · Apr 10, 2012

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ...ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Keith1 · Apr 12, 2012

Oh Pete..... :embarassed:

Anyway..

A Somali's son asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"

"Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!"
"But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about it?"
"Sure they are, but that's called "racism".

Keith1 · Apr 12, 2012

Oh Keith for God's sake.... :embarassed:

Anyway...

Irish vs The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change
of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness
and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can
feed 200,000 prisoners.

Keith1 · Apr 12, 2012

Old White Guys From the Land of Fruit & Nuts

lonesomebob · Apr 12, 2012

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

Keith1 · Apr 13, 2012

Anyway......

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The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21."

"Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr too" says the mother quietly.

"Oh, gracious me . . ." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also" says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Keith1 · Apr 16, 2012

Anyway there I was minding my own business.....

New Sex Study

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Pete · Apr 16, 2012

:lol::lol::lol:

Brisc · Apr 16, 2012

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"

jimbo · Apr 16, 2012

The three stages of pregnancy in human females, defined by animal metaphors:

Stage One- the Primate stage; she isn't really big yet, so you can do it like people.

Stage Two- the Canine stage, she's starting to get a bit awkward, so you do it like dogs.

Stage Three- the Coyote stage: she growls and snaps. The male lies outside the hole, howling.

briteyes · Apr 16, 2012

Scotsman's Chilli.

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices

Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock
slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae right aheid." Eagerly, the young
bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

Pete · Apr 17, 2012

Aaaaaaarrrrghh gross:yuck:

Keith1 · Apr 17, 2012

Anyway......

Sorry......

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· The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

· Larry says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

· A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair".

· Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

· I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you". She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

· The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

· They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

· I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......

· I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

· A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.

· I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

· I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

· A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

· I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

· A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

· My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Sod that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

· Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy..

· I start a new job in Seoul next week... I thought it was a good Korea move.

· I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

· Conjunctivitis.com There’s a site for sore eyes.

Apparently, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Jokes anyone? -

Ian Anderson

Jimmy P

Pete McCluskey.

Nick

Pete McCluskey.

Peter Delaney

Phil

Pete McCluskey.

Keith

Keith

Keith

Bob Fechter

Keith

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

Brisc P.

Jim Rosenthal

Tim

Pete McCluskey.

Keith

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