The Bottom Level of the Pyramid of Speed
Street Racers:
These are the yahoos that you see trying to do smoky burnouts on city streets.
They look around for deserted industrial areas so they can "Race" each other
in a straight line. They think NOS is cool. They think "Fast and Furious" is
a shoe-in for an Oscar, both for best picture, best actor, and best
documentary. They post on various Internet BBS boards short stories talking
about their "Kills", where they went 0-60 faster than some other car on busy
city streets.
Favorite type of woman: Any sixteen year old female who hangs out at those
Import car shows and will show some skin, never mind that her skin is pimply.
Favorite Magazine: Import Tuner. Sport Compact Car. Turbo Digest. NOS
World.
Level 2 of the Pyramid of Speed
Freeway Racers:
Next to the bottom are these guys. They frown upon Street Racers, thinking
that Street Racers are 0-80 mph wimps. Instead, Freeway Racers think that
they are cool, as they go 120+ mph and weave in and out of traffic on the
highway like a bunch of morons on crystal meth. The problem is that these
boneheads have spent money to make their car a little faster and a little
noisier than usual, but they forgot one thing: they are going at dangerously
high speeds and they have itty bitty front brakes, small rear drum brakes, and
they have never attended a go-fast driving school. They forgot the Stop-Fast
parts when they modified their cars. Not good when Sally Homemaker in her
6000 lbs SUV makes a lane change at 55 mph without signaling and without
looking for cars coming up on her at triple digit speeds. They post on
various BBS boards about their "Kills", where they passed some guy driving a
more expensive car at 110 mph, saying that they knew that "Name_your_Car"
drivers can't drive worth a crap.
Favorite type of woman: Any female that is impressed by them driving 100 mph
with a beer in their hand, a joint in the other, and no seat belt on.
Needless to say, these guys are usually dateless.
Favorite magazine: High Times. Mad Magazine.
Level 3 of the Pyramid of Speed
1/4 Mile Drag Racers
Next up are the 1/4 mile drag racers. These guys are at least smart enough to
take their cars to a formal race track where there are rules, safety
regulations, and ambulances for when they crash because they can't figure out
how to drive in a straight line. They look down upon the Freeway "Racers" and
Street "Racers" as a bunch of immature folks who don't have enough sense to
take their need for speed to their local 1/4 mile drag strip. Instead, these
1/4 mile geeks spend their life trying to break the 12 second barrier in their
souped up street cars. Sometimes they might even get four runs in a day, and
at 13 seconds a run, this means they spent the whole day at the track for 52
seconds of "racing" fun. Kinda like spending $200 on a dinner date, and
having premature ejaculation at the dinner table.
Favorite type of woman: Any female that has teeth.
Favorite magazine: Hot Rod, Car Craft, Hemi World.
Level 4 of the Pyramid of Speed
Autocrossers
Next, we have the autocrossers, a special breed among themselves. They frown
on the illegal freeway and street racers as wreckless morons. They laugh at
the 1/4 mile Drag Racers, as those goons can only go fast in a straight line.
Hell, you can probably get a monkey or an 90 year old grandmother than can
stomp on the gas and make three shifts in 12 seconds without crashing.
Reaction speed of drag racers on the start? Shit....reaction speed to
autocrossers is learning a 15 turn autocross course the first time by driving
out there and not hitting any freaking cones, and making some dramatic
left-right-left turns without spinning out (despite the fact that they are
going at a blazing 35 mph!)
Favorite type of woman: A female who has the whole day to burn, and can stand
a safety cone upright, as they sucker them into being cone-corner workers.
Favorite magazine: The SCCA's SportsCar magazine and the SCCA FastTrack, so
they can obey the Rule Nazi's and read and interpret drivel such as this.
These guys actually like reading a book of rules about how to go around cones
at 35 mph!
Level 5 of the Pyramid of Speed
Time Trialers
Next, we have the Time Trialers, meaning the people that who take their car to
road racing courses. Also known as "lapping days". These people are thrown
on a road racing track with about 20 other cars, and they are only allowed to
pass in the straightaways. They look down upon the illegal Street "Racers"
and Freeway "Racers" for obvious reasons. They laugh at the drag racers who
can only go in the straight line. They shake their head at the autocrossers,
as why would someone want to spend all day in a parking lot to do five runs on
a 15 turn course lined with safety cones, and each run only lasts 60 seconds
and you never get out of 2nd gear? Hell, at a Time Trial event or lapping
day, you may get 60+ laps around a world famous road course, which is 30 times
more "seat time" than you get in autocrossing! Plus, in autocrossing, they
may disallow your time because your tire is a quarter inch too wide, or you
put a different brake pad on, or your springs on your car are a half inch too
low. Autocross is racing, but racing Tailbone-style, with 1000's of rules of
what you can do or not do.
Favorite type of woman: Females who think that their man is a "Racer", since
his car actually made it to the pavement of a race track. Never mind that the
dude spun his car four times in one day and got dust all over the interior of
the car. She is convinced that she dates "Macho Racer".
Favorite Magazine: Road and Track, Car and Driver, Automobile, Motor Trend.
The Top Level of the Pyramid of Speed
Wheel-to-Wheel Racers
The Wheel-to-Wheel racers are at the top of the pyramid. They have big heads,
big egos, they think they are cool, and they can be tremendously
condescending. Some even have the gall to have their own website touting
their latest "racing adventures". They think Street Racers are ricockulous,
and that the Fast and The Furious is the second stupidest movie they ever
seen, with Driven being the stupidest. Freeway racers are viewed as unskilled
morons, but Wheel-to-Wheel racers have been known to occasionally "bait" the
Freeway Racers into following them through an off ramp at triple digits
speeds, and when the Freeway Racer suddenly realizes that he can't control his
car that fast in a turn, the Freeway Racer panics, hits the brakes hard while
turning, and ends up spinning and crashing into the guard rail, while the
Wheel-to-Wheel racer looks in his rear view mirror, and calmly puts another
mark on his dashboard, keeping score of "reverse-kills". 1/4 Mile Drag racers
are viewed as unskilled folks who can only shift up, and cannot figure out how
to master a proper heel-and-toe downshift without grinding the tranny.
Autocrossers are viewed as cross dressers who think that danger and excitement
is narrowly missing a plastic safety cone by two inches at 35 mph, and live by
a rule book about their car specs that is bigger than the Bible. There is a
lot of risk and danger in autocrossing.....hell, if you screw up, you could
end up with a couple of plastic safety cones tangled up in your front grill.
Does Michael Schumacher autocross? Would he ever spend time dodging safety
cones? Did Kimi Raikonen make it to Formula One as a nineteen year old by
driving solo in a parking lot? Hell no, Kimi made the leap to Formula One
because he was the karting champ of Finland, doing wheel-to-wheel shifter
karts, not by driving around stationary cones. If autocross was really
exciting, you would see the Cone Dodger's National Championships on ESPN or
Speedvision. But no use having an autocross on TV because, uh...quite
frankly, no one cares.....
Time trialers are viewed as chumps that can't figure out how to control their
car well enough to maneuver in between two other cars at 100 mph in a turn
without causing a three car wreck. For it is only the Wheel-To-Wheel racer
that put their car within inches of an apex at 110 mph, can brake within
inches of their target braking point at 140 mph at the last possible instant
without locking up the brakes into ABS or flat spotting tires, that can be
within inches of another car's door going into a 100+ mph turn and fighting
for position on the pavement, and can control understeer or oversteer with the
pedal to the metal coming out of an apex and using the last inch of pavement
exiting out of a turn to keep the car from spinning off into the dirt or into
surrounding cement walls. If a wheel-to-wheel racer makes a mistake, his car
will probably be severely wrecked, other cars could be wrecked, and he could
potentially take out half the cars entered in the event with him going into
Turn 1 at the start of a race.
Favorite type of women: Hot, sexy women who know that all the other "racers"
in the lower levels of the Pyramid of Speed are all really just
"wanna-be-wheel-to-wheel racers". A woman with a good stock portfolio is
highly desirable, because Wheel-to-Wheel racing is ahhh.....about five times
more expensive than any other level on the Pyramid, as your car will break
down more, the parts you need to go fast are more expensive, you blow through
rear tires every weekend, you probably have to have a truck and trailer to tow
the car, you need an extensive pit crew help to keep the car running that that
you over modified in your thermonuclear war with other people to get to the
top of the podium.
Favorite Magazine: Autoweek, as each week they have in depth coverage of the
only true sport left in the world, which is Formula One wheel-to-wheel racing.
Everything else in life is just a game......
So the question remains: Where do you fit on the Pyramid of Speed? For all
you people who are already hooked on "Go-Fast Crack Pipe", just bite the
bullet, throw a roll cage in your car, learn how to control your car a little
better, and let's battle it out on the top level of the Pyramid, and let's
look down upon all the other "pseudo-racers" from our perch in the
Pyramid.....
Street Racers:
These are the yahoos that you see trying to do smoky burnouts on city streets.
They look around for deserted industrial areas so they can "Race" each other
in a straight line. They think NOS is cool. They think "Fast and Furious" is
a shoe-in for an Oscar, both for best picture, best actor, and best
documentary. They post on various Internet BBS boards short stories talking
about their "Kills", where they went 0-60 faster than some other car on busy
city streets.
Favorite type of woman: Any sixteen year old female who hangs out at those
Import car shows and will show some skin, never mind that her skin is pimply.
Favorite Magazine: Import Tuner. Sport Compact Car. Turbo Digest. NOS
World.
Level 2 of the Pyramid of Speed
Freeway Racers:
Next to the bottom are these guys. They frown upon Street Racers, thinking
that Street Racers are 0-80 mph wimps. Instead, Freeway Racers think that
they are cool, as they go 120+ mph and weave in and out of traffic on the
highway like a bunch of morons on crystal meth. The problem is that these
boneheads have spent money to make their car a little faster and a little
noisier than usual, but they forgot one thing: they are going at dangerously
high speeds and they have itty bitty front brakes, small rear drum brakes, and
they have never attended a go-fast driving school. They forgot the Stop-Fast
parts when they modified their cars. Not good when Sally Homemaker in her
6000 lbs SUV makes a lane change at 55 mph without signaling and without
looking for cars coming up on her at triple digit speeds. They post on
various BBS boards about their "Kills", where they passed some guy driving a
more expensive car at 110 mph, saying that they knew that "Name_your_Car"
drivers can't drive worth a crap.
Favorite type of woman: Any female that is impressed by them driving 100 mph
with a beer in their hand, a joint in the other, and no seat belt on.
Needless to say, these guys are usually dateless.
Favorite magazine: High Times. Mad Magazine.
Level 3 of the Pyramid of Speed
1/4 Mile Drag Racers
Next up are the 1/4 mile drag racers. These guys are at least smart enough to
take their cars to a formal race track where there are rules, safety
regulations, and ambulances for when they crash because they can't figure out
how to drive in a straight line. They look down upon the Freeway "Racers" and
Street "Racers" as a bunch of immature folks who don't have enough sense to
take their need for speed to their local 1/4 mile drag strip. Instead, these
1/4 mile geeks spend their life trying to break the 12 second barrier in their
souped up street cars. Sometimes they might even get four runs in a day, and
at 13 seconds a run, this means they spent the whole day at the track for 52
seconds of "racing" fun. Kinda like spending $200 on a dinner date, and
having premature ejaculation at the dinner table.
Favorite type of woman: Any female that has teeth.
Favorite magazine: Hot Rod, Car Craft, Hemi World.
Level 4 of the Pyramid of Speed
Autocrossers
Next, we have the autocrossers, a special breed among themselves. They frown
on the illegal freeway and street racers as wreckless morons. They laugh at
the 1/4 mile Drag Racers, as those goons can only go fast in a straight line.
Hell, you can probably get a monkey or an 90 year old grandmother than can
stomp on the gas and make three shifts in 12 seconds without crashing.
Reaction speed of drag racers on the start? Shit....reaction speed to
autocrossers is learning a 15 turn autocross course the first time by driving
out there and not hitting any freaking cones, and making some dramatic
left-right-left turns without spinning out (despite the fact that they are
going at a blazing 35 mph!)
Favorite type of woman: A female who has the whole day to burn, and can stand
a safety cone upright, as they sucker them into being cone-corner workers.
Favorite magazine: The SCCA's SportsCar magazine and the SCCA FastTrack, so
they can obey the Rule Nazi's and read and interpret drivel such as this.
These guys actually like reading a book of rules about how to go around cones
at 35 mph!
Level 5 of the Pyramid of Speed
Time Trialers
Next, we have the Time Trialers, meaning the people that who take their car to
road racing courses. Also known as "lapping days". These people are thrown
on a road racing track with about 20 other cars, and they are only allowed to
pass in the straightaways. They look down upon the illegal Street "Racers"
and Freeway "Racers" for obvious reasons. They laugh at the drag racers who
can only go in the straight line. They shake their head at the autocrossers,
as why would someone want to spend all day in a parking lot to do five runs on
a 15 turn course lined with safety cones, and each run only lasts 60 seconds
and you never get out of 2nd gear? Hell, at a Time Trial event or lapping
day, you may get 60+ laps around a world famous road course, which is 30 times
more "seat time" than you get in autocrossing! Plus, in autocrossing, they
may disallow your time because your tire is a quarter inch too wide, or you
put a different brake pad on, or your springs on your car are a half inch too
low. Autocross is racing, but racing Tailbone-style, with 1000's of rules of
what you can do or not do.
Favorite type of woman: Females who think that their man is a "Racer", since
his car actually made it to the pavement of a race track. Never mind that the
dude spun his car four times in one day and got dust all over the interior of
the car. She is convinced that she dates "Macho Racer".
Favorite Magazine: Road and Track, Car and Driver, Automobile, Motor Trend.
The Top Level of the Pyramid of Speed
Wheel-to-Wheel Racers
The Wheel-to-Wheel racers are at the top of the pyramid. They have big heads,
big egos, they think they are cool, and they can be tremendously
condescending. Some even have the gall to have their own website touting
their latest "racing adventures". They think Street Racers are ricockulous,
and that the Fast and The Furious is the second stupidest movie they ever
seen, with Driven being the stupidest. Freeway racers are viewed as unskilled
morons, but Wheel-to-Wheel racers have been known to occasionally "bait" the
Freeway Racers into following them through an off ramp at triple digits
speeds, and when the Freeway Racer suddenly realizes that he can't control his
car that fast in a turn, the Freeway Racer panics, hits the brakes hard while
turning, and ends up spinning and crashing into the guard rail, while the
Wheel-to-Wheel racer looks in his rear view mirror, and calmly puts another
mark on his dashboard, keeping score of "reverse-kills". 1/4 Mile Drag racers
are viewed as unskilled folks who can only shift up, and cannot figure out how
to master a proper heel-and-toe downshift without grinding the tranny.
Autocrossers are viewed as cross dressers who think that danger and excitement
is narrowly missing a plastic safety cone by two inches at 35 mph, and live by
a rule book about their car specs that is bigger than the Bible. There is a
lot of risk and danger in autocrossing.....hell, if you screw up, you could
end up with a couple of plastic safety cones tangled up in your front grill.
Does Michael Schumacher autocross? Would he ever spend time dodging safety
cones? Did Kimi Raikonen make it to Formula One as a nineteen year old by
driving solo in a parking lot? Hell no, Kimi made the leap to Formula One
because he was the karting champ of Finland, doing wheel-to-wheel shifter
karts, not by driving around stationary cones. If autocross was really
exciting, you would see the Cone Dodger's National Championships on ESPN or
Speedvision. But no use having an autocross on TV because, uh...quite
frankly, no one cares.....
Time trialers are viewed as chumps that can't figure out how to control their
car well enough to maneuver in between two other cars at 100 mph in a turn
without causing a three car wreck. For it is only the Wheel-To-Wheel racer
that put their car within inches of an apex at 110 mph, can brake within
inches of their target braking point at 140 mph at the last possible instant
without locking up the brakes into ABS or flat spotting tires, that can be
within inches of another car's door going into a 100+ mph turn and fighting
for position on the pavement, and can control understeer or oversteer with the
pedal to the metal coming out of an apex and using the last inch of pavement
exiting out of a turn to keep the car from spinning off into the dirt or into
surrounding cement walls. If a wheel-to-wheel racer makes a mistake, his car
will probably be severely wrecked, other cars could be wrecked, and he could
potentially take out half the cars entered in the event with him going into
Turn 1 at the start of a race.
Favorite type of women: Hot, sexy women who know that all the other "racers"
in the lower levels of the Pyramid of Speed are all really just
"wanna-be-wheel-to-wheel racers". A woman with a good stock portfolio is
highly desirable, because Wheel-to-Wheel racing is ahhh.....about five times
more expensive than any other level on the Pyramid, as your car will break
down more, the parts you need to go fast are more expensive, you blow through
rear tires every weekend, you probably have to have a truck and trailer to tow
the car, you need an extensive pit crew help to keep the car running that that
you over modified in your thermonuclear war with other people to get to the
top of the podium.
Favorite Magazine: Autoweek, as each week they have in depth coverage of the
only true sport left in the world, which is Formula One wheel-to-wheel racing.
Everything else in life is just a game......
So the question remains: Where do you fit on the Pyramid of Speed? For all
you people who are already hooked on "Go-Fast Crack Pipe", just bite the
bullet, throw a roll cage in your car, learn how to control your car a little
better, and let's battle it out on the top level of the Pyramid, and let's
look down upon all the other "pseudo-racers" from our perch in the
Pyramid.....
Have you run Daytona? We've got a roadrace scheduled at The California Speedway at the beginning of next year. Gordon Levy was telling me of his outing at Willow Springs in his 40......His best lap was same as my shifter kart's best lap of 1:28. You're right, the karts can be very quick, and nearly unbeatable at some of the shorter tracks.
