Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment - convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church tower steps,
and when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,







( scroll down )


' ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'


WAIT! WAIT! There's more ....

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due
to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
his interviews for the new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but..


(. . . Wait for it ...)











... HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER

 

[Bob Fechter]

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators,

the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive.

The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,

"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't f¨ç˚ˆn' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.






I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

 

[Mark]

Oh dear Pete. LOL

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

THE MONKEY STORY

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an officer from the local Air Force base came in and said to
the shopkeeper, "I'll take one of those monkeys, please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out
a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the
officer saying, "That'll be $2000, please."

The officer paid and left with the monkey.


The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that
one cost so much?"


The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can
rig aircraft flight controls, pass the Air Force fitness test, set up a perimeter
defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or
complaints. it's well worth the money."


The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more
expensive! $10000!! What does it do?", he asked.


"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer'
monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance
at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A
very useful monkey indeed."


The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage. This time the price tag was $50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed,
"This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it
do?"


"Actually," said the shopkeeper," I've never really seen him do anything but
drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers
say he's a Pilot.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3) 30 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00



Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheely bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Cleanup hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2400.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,085.00

But you know the job was done right!

 

[Bill Musarra]

An update on Cinderella
Cinderella is now 90 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
She happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch
With a cat named Bob for companionship.
One afternoon out of nowhere appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

"Cinderella," she replied, "You have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, She uttered her first wish...

"The prince was wonderful but he was not a very good investor. I am living
Hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I was quite wealthy.
And, almost instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!"

"Well, it's the least I can do. What is your second wish?"
Cinderella looked at her frail body and said, "I wish that I
Was young again with the beauty and youth I once had."

Her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful appearance returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

Then the fairy godmother said, "You have one more wish... What is it?"
Cinderella looked over at the frightened cat in the corner and said...

"I would like to have Bob, my old cat, transformed into a kind and
Handsome young man."
Almost magically, the cat underwent a fundamental a change in his Biological make-up and, when he stood before her, he was a man so Handsome, the likes of him that she had never seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella!
Enjoy your new life."
And then, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Bob gazed into each
other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most handsome and
Stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
And he held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing into her golden hair with his warm breath,
As he quietly whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

 

[Bill Musarra]

Political correctness

There's an annual contest at the University of Arkansas calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was: "Political Correctness." The winning student wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine -- fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media -- which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s*** by the clean end."

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

That one has made the rounds, and for good reason, it's true.

 

[Bob Fechter]

>>It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle, TN and the streets are
>>>deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is
>>>living on credit.
>>>
>>>
>>>A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel,
>>>and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms
>>>upstairs to pick one for the night.
>>>
>>>As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs
>>>next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
>>>(Stay with this.....and pay attention)
>>>
>>>The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
>>>to the pig farmer.
>>>
>>>The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his
>>>supplier, the Co-op.
>>>
>>>The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the
>>>local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
>>>offer her "services" on credit.
>>>
>>>The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
>>>hotel owner.
>>>
>>>(Almost done...keep reading)
>>>
>>>The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the
>>>traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes
>>>down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up
>>>the $100 bill and leaves.
>>>
>>>No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole
>>>town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false
>>>atmosphere of optimism and glee.
>>>
>>>And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!
>>>

 

[Charlie Farley]

However, the hotel owner has lost out, he is $100 out of pocket.

 

[Malcolm]

No he's not! At the start of the joke he was $100 idebt. A the end he is not in debt at all and has been repaid his debts owing to him which allowed him to repay is (unauthrised) loan.

 

[Bob Fechter]

I think the point of the joke was that stimulus packages are just a load of hot air accomplishing nothing except a punch line for a joke.

Unfortunately, in real life our children get stuck with the bill.

 

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Wife was on her death bed....

My wife was on her death bed, called me over and asked me over to open a box from under the bed. Inside I found three eggs and £7000 in cash.

"What are the eggs for" I asked...

She replied "Every time we had crap sex I would put an egg in the box"

"Not bad" I said - 3 eggs in 35 years... "And the cash?"

She replied "Everytime I got a dozen I sold them".

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The
first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"


Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"


Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say
that as well?"


Maria: "No Señora . . . the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

[Tom P]

FW: Muslim Warning...
This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if it continues meddling in Egypt, Libya, and other hot spots in the Middle East, they will cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps and computer tech support personnel.

And if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.

It's gonna get ugly.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year .. . . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas .."

 

[Ian Anderson]

Picture says it all

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Subject: AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!

This is a letter allegedly sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign

Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Government tried

Desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every

Legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !

Dear Mr Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows

That I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997,

And yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born

And on what date ?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand ?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all

The income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those

Stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes

Over the past 30 years.

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also... Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is

Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever

Changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless

Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see

My new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone

Please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the

Next 15 days? In the unlikely event, I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep

Or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of fucking Sydney, and get another

Fucking copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of

Accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the

Issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo…that'd be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our

Fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm

That it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... The one where we're

Not allowed to smile?...you fucking morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting

Someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me? Well, my family

Has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my

Forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the

Eureka Stockade!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something

Over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high

Security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of

The RSL...Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card

Each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to

Verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN

AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!...a country where they either

Assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from

the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government".

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling fucking idiots!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
are the actual responses by the website officials,
who obviously have a great sense of humour
(not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Qlease send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first