Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Pete, if laughing makes you younger, I just dropped about twenty years. This is already the best Xmas present I've had, and it's only December 11. Well, 12th to you.
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: Yeah, my name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: Yeah, my name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Please tell me this won't happen to us... i'm afraid some of it already has!
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
> _____________________________________
>
> ROMANCE
> An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
> asleep
> but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
> She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
> Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
> back to sleep.
> A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
> Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
> settled down to sleep.
> Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.."
> Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
> "Where are you going?" she asked..
> "To get my teeth!"
> _____________________________________
>
> DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
> 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
> holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess
> what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
> An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
> Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
> _____________________________________
>
> OLD FRIENDS
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
> had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
> had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
> "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I
> just
> can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
> it. Please tell me what your name is."
> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
> glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
> _____________________________________
>
> SENIOR DRIVING
> As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just
> heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be
> careful!"
> "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
> _____________________________________
>
> DRIVING
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
> over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major
> crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
> could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
> minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.
> Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
> sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
> losing it. She was getting nervous.
> At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
> through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
> know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
> killed us both!"
> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
> _____________________________________
>
> ROMANCE
> An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
> asleep
> but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
> She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
> Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
> back to sleep.
> A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
> Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
> settled down to sleep.
> Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.."
> Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
> "Where are you going?" she asked..
> "To get my teeth!"
> _____________________________________
>
> DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
> 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
> holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess
> what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
> An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
> Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
> _____________________________________
>
> OLD FRIENDS
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
> had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
> had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
> "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I
> just
> can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
> it. Please tell me what your name is."
> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
> glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
> _____________________________________
>
> SENIOR DRIVING
> As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just
> heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be
> careful!"
> "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
> _____________________________________
>
> DRIVING
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
> over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major
> crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
> could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
> minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.
> Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
> sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
> losing it. She was getting nervous.
> At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
> through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
> know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
> killed us both!"
> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
From my younger brother....try it on your wife.
Hey what can I say, it’s that time of year
<o
></o>
A touching Christmas story
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was insanely packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was nowhere
around and she became very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago
where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that
I would get it for you one day."<o></o>
<o></o>
His wife said crying, "Yes, I remember place."
<o></o>
<o></o>
<o></o>
He said, "Well I'm in the bar right next to it."
Hey what can I say, it’s that time of year
<o
></o>A touching Christmas story
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was insanely packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was nowhere
around and she became very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago
where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that
I would get it for you one day."<o
></o><o
></o>His wife said crying, "Yes, I remember place."
<o
></o><o
></o><o
></o>He said, "Well I'm in the bar right next to it."
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take
four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take
four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Pat
Supporter
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident, too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident, too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
This is priceless....
Bad News About Grandpa
An elderly man had a massive heart attack and the family drove him to the emergency room.
After a while the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.
"I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife,
"We've never had a liberal in the family before!"
An elderly man had a massive heart attack and the family drove him to the emergency room.
After a while the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.
"I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife,
"We've never had a liberal in the family before!"
Jim Craik
Lifetime Supporter
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Tsk. Tsk. Jim sense of humor gone? If you don't like it change liberal to republican and you will feel better.
Jim Craik
Lifetime Supporter
No Pete, none of the liberals post this type of stuff, only conservaties. Why do you suppose that is?
Pete, day in and day out he continually posts this type of childish attacks and more often than not you agree with him.
Just open up the paddoc and look at the posts, one after another, most inaccurate, missleading or outright wrong...........................
Last edited:
Liberals are always saying how much better educated/smarter they are than Conservatives. Constantly. I've found that that sort of behavior comes from insecurity, and Jim, you're my poster boy for the Multi-insecurity Disease Society, also known as Liberal Delusional Boasting Trauma.
Its so intense that just one little joke and their house of cards comes crashing down like Jim's little tantrum here! ;~)
Jim, I'll join your pity party for a while. You poor dear thing, you aren't the brightest bulb on the string, but at least you're still glowing.
There now, have a nice glass of milk and go to bed dear.
Jim I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, you're just as smart as yerugliness. There now, get a bumper sticker from doug's mother and call it a night.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Every German in America had this thought when it was announced a German started the fires in Los Angeles!
We Did Not Start the Fires - LA Arson Fires Response by Flula - YouTube
We Did Not Start the Fires - LA Arson Fires Response by Flula - YouTube
