Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pat
Supporter
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high- class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.
They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
Nice one Pat.
As for the video.....Sadly, that has to from the south of the US. I see this all the time in my area. (Florida) Dogs in the back of a pick up truck is considered typical and cool by some. Too many times I've seen the dog fall/jump out of the back of the truck only to be killed or mamed. I hope this dog made it. The Joke is with the owner.
As for the video.....Sadly, that has to from the south of the US. I see this all the time in my area. (Florida) Dogs in the back of a pick up truck is considered typical and cool by some. Too many times I've seen the dog fall/jump out of the back of the truck only to be killed or mamed. I hope this dog made it. The Joke is with the owner.
Pat
Supporter
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair ..... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair ..... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Pat
Supporter
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
Peter Delaney
GT40s Supporter
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his veranda, patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from
the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......
village and sees a local sitting on his veranda, patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from
the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat..
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously and sure enough out popped a genie.
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned
Into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously and sure enough out popped a genie.
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned
Into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
TOP 31 Things That You Will NEVER Hear a Southern Boy Say...
31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh, I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than regular ol' coffee.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. I think I'll marry a Progressive Liberal girl because they are so intelligent and happy.
31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh, I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than regular ol' coffee.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. I think I'll marry a Progressive Liberal girl because they are so intelligent and happy.
MALE SENSITIVITY TEST
Just answer the questions!!! Don't cheat!!
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out
about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate
feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can
still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle
encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to
be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
Just answer the questions!!! Don't cheat!!
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out
about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate
feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can
still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle
encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to
be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
7· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
8· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
9· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
11· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?
12· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
13· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
14· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
15· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
16· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
17· Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE
18· Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
19· If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed
20. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
7· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
8· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
9· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
11· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?
12· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
13· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
14· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
15· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
16· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
17· Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE
18· Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
19· If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed
20. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds us of a comment made by Churchill.
After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner.
Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.
“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.
“First their cuisine is unsurpassed."
"Second their service is superb."
"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.
After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner.
Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.
“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.
“First their cuisine is unsurpassed."
"Second their service is superb."
"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.
COFFEE HURTS
I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
You know, ....it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
You know, ....it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, b*gger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife'.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave
you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says..
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are.."'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, b*gger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife'.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave
you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says..
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are.."'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
