Trafalgar revisited

[David Morton]

POLITICALLY CORRECT VERSION


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"



Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."



Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"



Hardy: "Sorry sir!"



Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"



Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."



Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."



Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."



Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."



Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, it's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."



Nelson: Good heaven's Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it.full speed ahead."



Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed in this stretch of water."



Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please."



Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."



Nelson: "What?"



Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness. They also said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.



Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."



Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."



Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd."



Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."



Nelson "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."



Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas on visual impairment and limb deficiency."



Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."



Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"



Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."



Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."



Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."



Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."



Nelson: "Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"



Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."



Nelson: "We're not?"



Hardy: "No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."



Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."



Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."



Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."



Hardy: "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in the multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."



Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"



Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."



Nelson: "And what about Sodomy?"



Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."



Nelson: "In that case..Kiss me Hardy."


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Dave M

 

[roaldin]

Hehe, the bit about the wheelchairs reminds me of a famous Cook and Moore sketch -

[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.]

Peter Cook: Nice to see you.

Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you.

Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore's shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not?

Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott's the name, acting's my game.

Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his "stump" on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man.

Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that?

Peter Cook: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.

Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.

Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.

Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right.

Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.

Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes.

Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the role.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes.

Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley Moore: The leg division?

Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a lovely leg for the role!"

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I've got nothing against your right leg.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: The trouble is -- neither have you. You, uh, you fall down on the left.

Dudley Moore: You mean it's inadequate?

Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready ...

Dudley Moore: No?

Peter Cook: ... for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting "Hello, Jane."

Dudley Moore: No. No, right.

Peter Cook: But don't despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.

Dudley Moore: Well, I've got twice as many.

Peter Cook: You're streets ahead!

Dudley Moore: So there's still hope?

Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of artiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.

Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.

[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]

Peter Cook: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite at this stage.