Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Subject: This script may come in handy over the next few weeks........
Dear Wife,
1. From 9 September to 23 October, 2011, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the Rugby World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. If you do not comply DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the Rugby World Cup, the television is mine, all mine. Also, Foxtel, Austar, MySky, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a sideways glimpse of the remote control, you will never see it again.
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor…... it just won’t happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least four 6 packs of stubbies cold in the fridge at all times,, and to regularly replenish them, as well as plenty of things to nibble on. And please, do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 1pm most days, unless during that time they replay a good game that I missed.
6. Please, please, please, if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say ‘get over it, it’s only a game’, or ‘don’t worry, they’ll win next time’. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called ‘words of encouragement’ will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime, but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note, I am saying ‘one’ game; hence do not even attempt to use the Rugby World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to ‘spend more time together’. That would be contrary to its core principles.
8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them. Keep out of the way, in total silence during ALL replays. This is not negotiable.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related or other parties or gatherings that may potentially require my attendance, because:
a. I will not go,
b. I will not go, and
c. I will not go.
For the avoidance of doubt, I should say I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house to watch a game, we will be there in a flash, in your case ideally in silence.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying, ‘But you have already seen this… why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?’
12. Please save your expressions such as, ‘Thank goodness the Rugby World Cup is only every four years’. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the reruns of the Rugby World Cup, post mortems, the televised ritual suicide of 4 million sheep shaggers, etc, etc.
.
Thank you for your cooperation. Resistance is useless.
Regards,
Your husband
Dear Wife,
1. From 9 September to 23 October, 2011, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the Rugby World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. If you do not comply DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the Rugby World Cup, the television is mine, all mine. Also, Foxtel, Austar, MySky, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a sideways glimpse of the remote control, you will never see it again.
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor…... it just won’t happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least four 6 packs of stubbies cold in the fridge at all times,, and to regularly replenish them, as well as plenty of things to nibble on. And please, do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 1pm most days, unless during that time they replay a good game that I missed.
6. Please, please, please, if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say ‘get over it, it’s only a game’, or ‘don’t worry, they’ll win next time’. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called ‘words of encouragement’ will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime, but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note, I am saying ‘one’ game; hence do not even attempt to use the Rugby World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to ‘spend more time together’. That would be contrary to its core principles.
8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them. Keep out of the way, in total silence during ALL replays. This is not negotiable.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related or other parties or gatherings that may potentially require my attendance, because:
a. I will not go,
b. I will not go, and
c. I will not go.
For the avoidance of doubt, I should say I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house to watch a game, we will be there in a flash, in your case ideally in silence.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying, ‘But you have already seen this… why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?’
12. Please save your expressions such as, ‘Thank goodness the Rugby World Cup is only every four years’. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the reruns of the Rugby World Cup, post mortems, the televised ritual suicide of 4 million sheep shaggers, etc, etc.
.
Thank you for your cooperation. Resistance is useless.
Regards,
Your husband
