My Very favourite Lone Ranger Joke

K

Keith

Moderator
From years back I mean 40 at least. The Lone Ranger and Tonto are desperately riding being chased by hordes of Indians. (Native American variety - not Calcutta)

Anyway, their horses are spent so they run to a small outcrop of rocks and are totally surrounded and only a couple of bullets between them.

The Lone Ranger looks across to his faithful friend Tonto and says "Well old friend, it looks as if we've had it this time"

(See left for Punch Line <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<)

:laugh:
 
K

Keith

Moderator
E, that was written before breakfast.. :)

But it's a good question. There is no night and day for me any more - it kind of all merges into one oxygen bereft 24/7 fucking nightmare.. :shocked:

I sleep when I can, but when I wake - I post! :laugh:

By the way - me heap like pictures of plastic horse kemo sabe....
 
L

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
After a long day on the trail, The Lone Ranger & Tonto decided to pitch camp for the night, so they tethered Silver & Scout, pitched their tent, climbed into their bedrolls, and were soon fast asleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night, The Loan Ranger woke up with a start, shook Tonto and said, "Tonto, wake up...look at the stars. What do they tell you?"

Tonto, puzzled as to why he'd been awakened for that, looked up at the stars as directed and replied, "Uhhh, from astrology view, stars tell'm Tonto universe big place...contain many stars, many planets. From theology view, stars tell'm Tonto God is great...Him make all stars and planets in sky...'make all fish in sea, all birds in sky, all men on earth. From meteorological view, stars tell'm Tonto it probably be nice day tomorrow. What stars tell you Kimo Sabe?"

Mildly annoyed, the 'Ranger shook his head and said, "Tonto you're a total dullard. The stars tell me..."






<wait for it>





"...some thieving lowlife stole our tent."
 
M

Jack

Keith1 said:
I did wonder, however suing was far from my mind. It was more like, you know, calling some 'caring' people in white coats, er Chief.

Cuckooo cuckooo.....
Click to expand...

And the Lone Ranger said:

Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees and begged
You not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?

You left me anyhow and then
The days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind.

And

They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha! (x 2)

You thought it was a joke
and so you laughed, you laughed,
when I had said that losing you
would make me flip my lid.
Right?
You know you laughed
I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed
and laughed and then you left but
Now you know I'm utterly mad

And.and... and...

They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!

They're coming to take me away, ha-ha,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho,
hee hee, haa haa
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket-weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, ha-haaaaa...

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house,
And this is how you pay me back for
All my kind, unselfish, loving deeds,
Hah?
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet
And when they do they'll put you in the ASPCA you mangey mutt!

And

They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!

They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket-weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, ha-haaaaaaa...
 
L

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
The Lone Ranger & Tonto rode up to a saloon in a small Texas town after a long day on the trail (yes, most L.R. jokes do reference a long day on the trail), tied Silver and Scout to the 'rail out front, and went inside to wet their whistles.

By-and-by a man walks thru the door and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out front? The Ranger stands up and says, "I do, stranger. Why do you ask?" The stranger replied, "I'm askin' because he looks like he's about to fall over from thirst. Yud best be tendin' to him or you'll be buryin' him. That paint don't look so good neither." "Thank you, stranger", the masked man said as he and Tonto scurried out the door to take care of things.

Once outside, they watered both horses and the Ranger suggested they walk around their steeds whilst 'fanning' them with the blankets from their bedrolls...which they did. Within a few minutes, the Ranger said he was going back inside to get their drinks & he'd be right back out. Since Scout was completely cooled down by now, he suggested to Tonto that maybe should run around Silver while fanning him until he got back...so Tonto complied.

As the Ranger picked up the drinks from the table, another stranger entered the saloon and asked, "Who owns that big white horse out front?" Again the Ranger replied, "I do, stranger, what's wrong with him now?"

The stranger replied, "Nuthun, mister. I jus' wanted to tell yuh that yuh left yur injin runnin'..."
 
M

Jack

the lone ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy indian war party.

the indian chief proclaims, "so, you are the great lone ranger. in honour of the harvest festival, you will be executed in three days. but, before i kill you, i will grant you three requests. what is your first request?"

the lone ranger responds, "i'd like to speak to my horse."

the chief nods and silver is brought before the lone ranger, who whispers in silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

later that evening, silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

as the indian chief watches, the blonde enters the lone ranger's tent and spends the night.

the next morning the indian chief admits he's impressed. "you have very fine and loyal horse, but i will still kill you in two days. what is your second request?"

the lone ranger again asks to speak to his horse. silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

as before, silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. later that evening, to the chief's surprise, silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

she enters the lone ranger's tent and spends the night. the following morning the indian chief is again impressed. "you are indeed a man of many talents, but i still kill you tomorrow. what is your last request?"

the lone ranger responds, "i'd like to speak to my horse... alone."

the chief is curious, but he agrees, and silver is brought to the lone ranger's tent.

once they're alone, the lone ranger grabs silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "listen very carefully, for the last time.....

BRING POSSE!!!"
 
M

Jack

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger had to take a pee. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"
The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."
Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"
Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"
 
K

Keith

Moderator
Holy shit but this guy is a legend! I mean ALL these jokes are at least 60 years old!
 
Last edited:
MikeP

Mike Pass

Supporter
Who was that masked man you say? - it was the Looooooone Ranger!

OK Kimo Sabay here we go....... feels like it was yesterday ... ride "em Tonto! Hi! Silver Away!!!

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hchOYs_d_Bw]Quantum Jump - 'The Lone Ranger' - YouTube[/ame]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlOBqhlRtOI]"Enter the Lone Ranger" (Clayton Moore) 1949 - YouTube[/ame]

Nostalgia - it's not like it used to be
Cheers
Mike
 
L

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
Wow. At the time I didn't realize just how bad both the dialog and the acting were on that show! Good grief! :D

'Course, back then I was only 4 or 5 years old... ;)
 
blueovalz

Terry Oxandale

Skinny Man
OMG! (first video)

So, in light of this string's content, I did watch the latest Lone Ranger movie, and for me, was a good bargain for entertainment. Even though the reviews were not kind, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, especially Tonto.
 
blueovalz

Terry Oxandale

Skinny Man
Keith1 said:
E, that was written before breakfast.. :)

But it's a good question. There is no night and day for me any more - it kind of all merges into one oxygen bereft 24/7 fucking nightmare.. :shocked:

I sleep when I can, but when I wake - I post! :laugh:
Click to expand...


I figured as much. Hang in there (not much choice I imagine). Take care.

Terry
 
L

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
Keith1 said:
In the interests of Board Harmony, I'd best not answer that one..... :lipsrsealed:
Click to expand...


I take it my failure to edit that decades-old 'bit' into a modern, "P.C." format created 'disharmony' for you, sir?! ;)

Yeah, well, I understand Mark Twain's works create much the same problem for some folks these days.

I'm not one who 'toes-the-"p.c."-line'. EVERY ONE is in the cross hairs 'far as I'm concerned.:thumbsup:
 
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