Smart answers

[Jim Pearson]

Hi JohnC,

Interesting Wiki.

I notice the Presidential pardon for his moonshine conviction "...restored his right to vote and hold a passport..." Does that mean a US citizen currently loses their right ever to hold a passport if convicted of a felony?

Please forgive the digression.

Jim

 

[JohnC]

Jim, from the little I know about US passport law, there is nothing in the passport application asking about one's criminal background or prior charges.

However as I understand it, the US State Dept retains final approval authority, and can/will deny passports for people who:

1) Were convicted of a federal or state drug felony. This disqualification lasts while imprisoned or while on probation/parole. I believe once a felon has served his time, he is eligible to apply for a passport. Whether it will be approved is another story.....

2) Have any outstanding warrants, or child support owed over 5,000

3) Are on a "list" maintained by the State Dept. for various reasons. Local/state/federal law enforcement can request your name to be placed on this list if they do not want you to get a passport, eg likelihood to flee to avoid prosecution, etc.

Regarding the right to vote, etc. again, as I understand it in most states, if someone is convicted of a federal or state felony, they will lose their right to vote and hold office.

 

[Jim Pearson]

Thanks for the clarification John. Looks like the Wiki author was just using shorthand, given that the pardon was 30 years after the conviction and so, presumably, parole etc had expired.

Again folks - apologies for the digression.

Now back to your smart answers ...

Jim

 

[stu]

This is the most un-p.c. forum I`ve seen in quite some time. Keep up the good work. Jerry

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Speaking of Moonshine!!

A young man was caught selling moonshine (untaxed whiskey) and sentenced to a year in Federal prison.

A few weeks later, his mother sent him a letter. "Son, I don't want to burden you, but since your Pa died, you have exchanged work with a neighbor, and then he comes with his mules and plows the corn patch so we can plant the corn. With you in prison, there is no way to get the patch plowed. We use that corn for food in the winter. So, I probably will not survive the winter with no food. I love you, son, and want you to know you will never see me alive again."

He wrote back, and said, "Mom, when Pa died, I told you I would take care of you somehow as long as I had breathe in my body. I buried a couple hundred jugs of moonshine in the corn patch, and when you run short, dig up a few jugs and sell them."

She wrote back, "Son, I would rather have died still believing in you. We taught you never to lie. You told me there was moonshine buried in the corn patch. I dug some and found none, then Federal Agents came and dug up the entire field, and there was no moonshine there. I am ashamed you told such a lie to your own mother."

He wrote back, "Mom, you can plant the corn now

 

[Gary Kadrmas]

Federal workers working for free. I love it.

Need to think how I could get them to work on my Cobra for free.

 

[Dalton Veitch]

This section could be called The Un-PC, instead of The Paddock. Thank God for somewhere you can be un-PC.
Love the humour (why are the funniest jokes often un-PC?).

Dalton

 

[Danimal W]

Three guys are chatting in a bar...
The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister...."

 

[Danimal W]

Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

​

 

[DaveL485]

A Trucker has been on the road for 3 weeks solid. Exhausted he stops and saunters over to a brothel, drops £500 on the table and demands the ugliest woman in the joint and a greasy bacon sandwich.
The madamé says "Sir, for that you can have my finest lady and a 3 course meal!"
The Trucker replies....."I'm not horny, or hungry. I'm f**kin homesick...!"

 

[DaveL485]

2 Dyslexic men in a car, 1 said to the other "Can you smell petrol?"
The other replies "Don't be f**kin stupid I can't even smell my name....!"

 

[DaveL485]

Three man with speech impediments are in therapy. The therapist is a blonde, fit and petite. She says "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, i'll suck your ****.
The first guy stammers "B b b bbbirmingham, dammit"
The second guy takes a breath and tries....."Mmm mm m mmManchester!"
The 3rd, a Paddy, stands up and composes himself and says "London..!"
The therapist gets up, unzips him and starts the deed as promised.....and as he reaches the magic moments he sighs "....Dd d dd ...Derry!"

 

[DaveL485]

Mickey Mouses lawyer calls him and says "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie for having big teeth!!"
Mickey replies "I didnt say she had big teeth I said she was f**king Goofy!!!"

 

[DaveL485]

Police were alerted by a member of the public today to a suspicious vehicle parked outside a London mosque. The vehicle was loaded with petrol, explosives and detonators.
Fortunately emergency services arrived quickly and were able to roll the vehicle inside before it detonated......


LOL

My favourite one this week epper:

 

[DaveL485]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.



One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,

and fainted.



On the card was written:



"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce."

 

[DaveL485]

Paddy Walks Into His Local Bar In Dublin With A Big Grin On His Face....

The Barman Looks Up And Asked..
""whats That Big Grin For".....

Paddy Replies...

" Well I Live Near The Railway And I Saw A Woman Tied To The Rails, I Cut Her Free And We Shagged All Night"....

The Barman Replies...
" Did U Get A Blowjob Then??"

Paddy Replies...

" Nooo I Couldnt Find Her Head"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,


"Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented house, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 19 inch back and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have an $800, 000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice bed and a plasma screen TV now but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap rented house, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 19 inch black and white TV, if I was lucky

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan,
Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar,
warned the Australian government that if military
action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities
will cut off Australia'ssupply of convenience store
managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results,
cab drivers will be next, followed by Telstracustomer
service reps and 7/11 storemanagers.

Folks, it's starting to get really ugly!

 

[Peter Delaney]

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof!

With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and Syria with all believers of Mohammed inside and all Jews, Americans, and other infidel forever outside our precious country."

Pooooof!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall". The Genie explains , "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries....... it's virtually impenetrable. Now what is your wish?"

The American engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

Pooooof!

WORLD PEACE !!