Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Where is this? I recall reading it recently, but I can't find it now. Can anyone help out?
Thanks in advance.
Thanks in advance.
tourist guide to Australia
- Thread starter jimbo
- Start date
Are these what you meant Jim.
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are
The actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great
Sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
_________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ?
( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not
… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget
its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
Go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
P.S.
This communication together with any attachments transmitted with it
("this missive ") is intended only for the use of the addressee and may contain
information which is privileged and confidential. If the reader of this missive
is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for
delivering it to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any use,
dissemination, forwarding, printing or copying of this missive is strictly
prohibited. Addressees should check this missive for viruses. I make
no representations as regards the absence of viruses in this missive. If you
have received this missive in error please notify me immediately by e-mail at [email protected] Please then immediately delete, erase or otherwise destroy this missive and any copies of it.
Any opinions expressed in this missive are those of the author and do not
necessarily constitute the views of any normal sane person. Nothing in this missive shall
bind me in any contract or obligation.
For the purposes of this missive me means me and/or any of my subsidiaries.
Please note I have posted these in response to a direct question and request, . They were not written by me and posting them in no was implies I believe in drop bears, or that you can walk from Perth to Sydney with just a large amount of water, I cannot be held responsible for anyone trying to do so. Posting them should not be taken as acknowledgment of my support for their sentiment, or affiliation to any political party or content implied or not, apart from the ones directed at Americans
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are
The actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great
Sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
_________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ?
( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not
… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget
its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
Go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
P.S.
This communication together with any attachments transmitted with it
("this missive ") is intended only for the use of the addressee and may contain
information which is privileged and confidential. If the reader of this missive
is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for
delivering it to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any use,
dissemination, forwarding, printing or copying of this missive is strictly
prohibited. Addressees should check this missive for viruses. I make
no representations as regards the absence of viruses in this missive. If you
have received this missive in error please notify me immediately by e-mail at [email protected] Please then immediately delete, erase or otherwise destroy this missive and any copies of it.
Any opinions expressed in this missive are those of the author and do not
necessarily constitute the views of any normal sane person. Nothing in this missive shall
bind me in any contract or obligation.
For the purposes of this missive me means me and/or any of my subsidiaries.
Please note I have posted these in response to a direct question and request, . They were not written by me and posting them in no was implies I believe in drop bears, or that you can walk from Perth to Sydney with just a large amount of water, I cannot be held responsible for anyone trying to do so. Posting them should not be taken as acknowledgment of my support for their sentiment, or affiliation to any political party or content implied or not, apart from the ones directed at Americans
Last edited:
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
They don't know what a Dunny is Tim.
I just wondered why they would want to go to Australia when New Zealand is on the doorstep. According to our daughter they have cutlery, showers, electricity, running water and everything although apparently their telly is a bit rubbish but who needs that with the scenery they have :thumbsup:
Plus their weather is a bit more varied than in Australia which I believe is the same as here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mV9q_KdtQfc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abFJuqp867g
Plus their weather is a bit more varied than in Australia which I believe is the same as here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mV9q_KdtQfc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abFJuqp867g
Last edited:
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Thank you, gentlemen. I can always count on fellow WOGGs. Much obliged.
Oz politicians are much like ours here in the US, they believe it possible to pick up a turd by the "clean" end........................
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Some of ours even think they can polish a turd. They even made a female one Prime Minister.
Nothing to watch is no bad thing.
Aus' TV is woeful. Most TV my family watch is from the internet these days.
Happily they are spending less and less time in front of the damn thing.
I will be going back to NZ in a few months, probably should try to catch up with members over there.
Tim.
Aus' TV is woeful. Most TV my family watch is from the internet these days.
Happily they are spending less and less time in front of the damn thing.
I will be going back to NZ in a few months, probably should try to catch up with members over there.
Tim.
The end they try to pick it up from is called the 'Abbott Point', eh Pete
Hence the phrase 'Shorten to the point'. This is of course a political impossibility.
Tim.
The following hints are pretty close to the mark
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0> <TBODY> <TR> <TD style="WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt" width="100%"> <TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=0> <TBODY> <TR> <TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt"> The following is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.
Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.
Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya like our country, eh?" is "Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!”
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia , so we took him to the pub," to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Typical Australian sayings:
“G'Day”. “She'll be right, mate”. “No Worries”.
Tips to Surviving Australia :
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
How to identify Australians:
They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it’s a must-have.
They don’t think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
Will react in horror when companies try to market "Anzac cookies".
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction. <?xml:namespace prefix = "o" /><o></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<o> Clive</o>
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0> <TBODY> <TR> <TD style="WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt" width="100%"> <TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=0> <TBODY> <TR> <TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt"> The following is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.
Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.
Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya like our country, eh?" is "Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!”
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia , so we took him to the pub," to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Typical Australian sayings:
“G'Day”. “She'll be right, mate”. “No Worries”.
Tips to Surviving Australia :
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
How to identify Australians:
They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it’s a must-have.
They don’t think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
Will react in horror when companies try to market "Anzac cookies".
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction. <?xml:namespace prefix = "o" /><o
></o></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<o
> Clive</o>Douglas Adams RIP.
He is wrong about the snakes though, we have many, a lot if them are deadly (among the most).
Where I come from they are all venomous and potentially deadly (except the little whip snake which although venomous is too small to bite a human easily.
They are everywhere. On my farm, in their active months, it is common to see up to half a dozen in a day, Tigers predominantly.
Facts and Figures: World's Most Venomous Snakes | Australian Venom Research Unit
Tim.
He is wrong about the snakes though, we have many, a lot if them are deadly (among the most).
Where I come from they are all venomous and potentially deadly (except the little whip snake which although venomous is too small to bite a human easily.
They are everywhere. On my farm, in their active months, it is common to see up to half a dozen in a day, Tigers predominantly.
Facts and Figures: World's Most Venomous Snakes | Australian Venom Research Unit
Tim.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Good old Doug also forgot to mention the drop bears and the the Bunyip.
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