Increased Global Terrorism

[David Morton]

Subject: Warning of increased Global terrorist threat

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!,” "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

[Doug S.]

Stop......PLEASE.....my sides hurt from laughing.

Seriously.....there's a laugh every line!!!

Bloody Brilliant (is that some sort of level in your system?), David :thumbsup:

 

[Nick]

David,

Bloody marvellous thanks for sharing it.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Absolute gold, I'm crying with laughter thanks for sharing.

 

[David Morton]

I'm in awe of the people who can come up with things as funny as that. It's a bit of a gift really.

 

[Jeff Young]

As 1/2 Italian, 1/2 American I take offense to that! If I could quit laughing...that's a good one.

 

[Keith]

Good post Dave.

The British response is a lot more factual than you might think. If you cast your mind back to the (in)famous UN "Police Action" in Korea, the British Commander in charge of the Brigade tasked with defending two strategic Imjin River crossings with a force of less than 4,000 men, a handful of tanks and an artillery regiment, against a Chinese Army of 25,000 + when asked by the American Force Commander, what his position was, famously replied:

"Things are getting a bit sticky here" (Translation: "We're deep in the shit - send reinforcements!")

But very relieved that it seemed as if the Brits were holding their own the American Commander concentrated his efforts on the rest of the coast to coast defensive line, also under heavy attack.

In fact, the British Brigade were in serious trouble and if it hadn't have been for the 400 men of the "Glorious Gloucesters" who ended up hurling tins of 'Compo' rations at the Chinese because they had run out of ammo, the way to Seoul would have been wide open.

Moral: Call a spade a spade.....

 

[David Morton]

I heard there was a communications problem and famously the message that finally got through was "Send three and four pence, We're going to a dance" hence they run out of munitions etc. They used to teach that during Tactical Communications lessons and the importance of accurate instructions. (Does any body need a translation?)

 

[Keith]

1 short message containing almost any data passed along a line of 6 people will be unrecognisable by the time it reaches the end of the line.

That must be the most famous example Dave, from the trenches I believe..

Chinese Whispers?

 

[Doug S.]

I heard there was a communications problem and famously the message that finally got through was "Send three and four pence, We're going to a dance" hence they run out of munitions etc.

That's the ultimate Brittish "stiff upper lip" story, guys!

Cheers from Doug!