Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A Kiwi mate sent me this.
On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for
some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car,
when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.
A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling
frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.
As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up alongside with two men
wearing All Black jerseys.
Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out
and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water.
Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it
into the boat.
Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing
for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter
rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own
eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who the hell was that, bro?'
'That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct contact with God
bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'
'Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know
bugger all about shark fishing ......... Is the bait holding up okay, or
do we need to get another Aussie?
On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for
some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car,
when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.
A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling
frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.
As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up alongside with two men
wearing All Black jerseys.
Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out
and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water.
Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it
into the boat.
Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing
for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter
rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own
eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who the hell was that, bro?'
'That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct contact with God
bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'
'Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know
bugger all about shark fishing ......... Is the bait holding up okay, or
do we need to get another Aussie?
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
Not sure if you have already heard this one
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty
receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
'It's Keith, the dwarf!'
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty
receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
'It's Keith, the dwarf!'
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
How To Change Your Oil
Women:
- Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee.
- 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
- Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
- Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
- Clean up.
- Have another beer while oil is draining.
- Look for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
- Beer.
- Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
- Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
- Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
- Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
- Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
- Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
- Bang head on floor board in reaction.
- Begin cussing fit.
- Throw wrench.
- Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
- Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
- Beer.
- Beer.
- Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
- Beer.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
- Drive car.
Brian Hamilton
I'm on the verge of touching myself inappropriatel
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Brian Hamilton
I'm on the verge of touching myself inappropriatel
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A: About three inches.
Q: What's the d ifference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, w hat is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch!
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A: About three inches.
Q: What's the d ifference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, w hat is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch!
I had a minor medical problem so my doctor referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday. She is absolutely gorgeous and unbelievably sexy.
The first thing she told me is that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why she said, ''Because I'm trying to examine you.......''
The first thing she told me is that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why she said, ''Because I'm trying to examine you.......''
Peter Delaney
GT40s Supporter
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you".<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
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His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you".<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o>
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
Gay Ray goes to the doctor's and has some tests run. Next week he's back for the results and the doctor says, 'Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.' Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?' Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled onions drenched in chilli sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran and wash it all down with a gallon of prune juice.' Ray asks bewildered, 'Will that cure me, Doc?' Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.
Peter Delaney
GT40s Supporter
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine,
and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore
that negligee the night we were married.'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. And do you remember what you said to me
that night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.''
She giggled and said; 'Yes! That's exactly what you said. So now it's
fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to
say tonight?'
He looked her up and down and said; <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
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<o></o>
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine,
and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore
that negligee the night we were married.'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. And do you remember what you said to me
that night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.''
She giggled and said; 'Yes! That's exactly what you said. So now it's
fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to
say tonight?'
He looked her up and down and said; <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
fficeffice" /><o></o><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
ffice:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Mission</st1lace></st1:City> Accomplished.'<o></o><o
></o>
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Little Johnny and family were driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "my what a big insect", to which little Johnny pipes up and says, "I'm surprised it could F**in fly at all with a dick that size".
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
<o></o>
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></o><o
></o>
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A snail goes into a Rolls Royce dealer and says to the salesman; "I want the most expensive Rolls you have" "Certainly" replies the salesman, "this car here is the top of the range model." "It's perfect" says the snail, "but I want it customised." " We offer a full range of upgrades, anything at all, what would you like?" asks the salesman. "I simply want an 'S' painted on this side, one on the other side, and another on the roof." "But sir, whatever for? It'll totally ruin the car." "Well" replies the snail, "when I drive down the street, I want people to say 'look at that s-car go'."
Paul Thompson 'Hooligan'
Admin
Well it made me chuckle...
A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop. She browses
around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
Bending over to get a closer look, she accidently passes gas.
Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly
straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her
little accident. Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very
professional,
'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time of
her little 'accident', she asks,
'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers:
'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit yourself when I tell you the price.
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop. She browses
around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
Bending over to get a closer look, she accidently passes gas.
Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly
straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her
little accident. Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very
professional,
'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time of
her little 'accident', she asks,
'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers:
'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit yourself when I tell you the price.
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
Subject: Ethel
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich
short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them
actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched."STOP!" he shouted in a
firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!
Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up
to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front
of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
again!"
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich
short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them
actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched."STOP!" he shouted in a
firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!
Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up
to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front
of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
again!"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Brian Hamilton
I'm on the verge of touching myself inappropriatel
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said....'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'
Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces & 19 inches long
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said....'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'
Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces & 19 inches long
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Thought for the day.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or screw it...
P*ss on it and walk away
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or screw it...
P*ss on it and walk away
Paul Thompson 'Hooligan'
Admin
Got a Ferrari?
Not quite good enough at driving?
Are other boys faster than you in the wet?
Then you need:
Ferrari International Assistance (FIA)
This exclusive Ferrari only membership club has many benefits. Including:
Anti overtaking assurance
Been overtaken? Feel a bit silly? Don't worry, we'll rule out the other party even if it embarrassingly obvious that they're faster than you
Exclusive access to a secret "second lane" in the pits
Just to make things a little bit easier we've arranged a private second lane just for you
Guaranteed world championship?
Had a crash? Need to win the world championship? Don't worry just limp across the track and take off your nearest championship title contender - we'll do the rest
A bit strapped? Need extra cash?
Simply get one of your team to tell someone else how you make your cars. We'll guarantee a $100,000,000 windfall so that the rich get richer!
Bits falling off your car? Looking a bit dangerous?
At Ferrari International Assistance we operate a "blind eye" policy just for Ferrari drivers
Been a bit silly? Taken off another driver whilst following the safety car?
It's ok, as long as you didn't hurt yourself. I mean, who are Force ffice:smarttags" /><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
</st1lace><st1:country-region w:st="on">India</st1:country-region> anyway? And how dare they be in front of you
A bit bored? Want some extra action?
With FIA plus you can take part in a number of additional membership activities including the popular "kill your pit crew" game
Not sure when you might need us next?
Relax. Check out our track record. We're confident that we'll be able to make something up on the spot that will get you out of any pickle that you might find yourself in
Bonus offer!
* Order our FIA plus pack and receive exclusive access to our Nazi style orgies *
Ferrari International Assistance - Making it up as we go along for over 100 years
Not quite good enough at driving?
Are other boys faster than you in the wet?
Then you need:
Ferrari International Assistance (FIA)
This exclusive Ferrari only membership club has many benefits. Including:
Anti overtaking assurance
Been overtaken? Feel a bit silly? Don't worry, we'll rule out the other party even if it embarrassingly obvious that they're faster than you
Exclusive access to a secret "second lane" in the pits
Just to make things a little bit easier we've arranged a private second lane just for you
Guaranteed world championship?
Had a crash? Need to win the world championship? Don't worry just limp across the track and take off your nearest championship title contender - we'll do the rest
A bit strapped? Need extra cash?
Simply get one of your team to tell someone else how you make your cars. We'll guarantee a $100,000,000 windfall so that the rich get richer!
Bits falling off your car? Looking a bit dangerous?
At Ferrari International Assistance we operate a "blind eye" policy just for Ferrari drivers
Been a bit silly? Taken off another driver whilst following the safety car?
It's ok, as long as you didn't hurt yourself. I mean, who are Force ffice:smarttags" /><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
lace><st1:country-region w:st="on">India</st1:country-region> anyway? And how dare they be in front of youA bit bored? Want some extra action?
With FIA plus you can take part in a number of additional membership activities including the popular "kill your pit crew" game
Not sure when you might need us next?
Relax. Check out our track record. We're confident that we'll be able to make something up on the spot that will get you out of any pickle that you might find yourself in
Bonus offer!
* Order our FIA plus pack and receive exclusive access to our Nazi style orgies *
Ferrari International Assistance - Making it up as we go along for over 100 years
