Jokes anyone? -

[Larry L.]

the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.
the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.
the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.
"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"
"well, shoot, no one else was having beer, so, I didn't want to be the only one," he replied.

 

[Larry L.]

More than one way.....
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."


'Bet you saw that one coming, too, didn't you!

 

[Nick]

The Aussies taking the pee out of just about everyone, including themselves

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGdjX8QqL_Y&t=11s

 

[Marcus]

Liked this:

 

[Keith]

Nick,Marcus... good ones guys.. Brightened my day thanks :thumbsup:

 

[Nick]

The Dutch welcome Trump.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELD2AwFN9Nc

 

[Larry L.]

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days.

MacDougall said, 'Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would ye mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?'

 

[Jack]

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis, followed by ideopathic thrombocytopenic purpura. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Best thing Trump has ever done.

 

[Nick]

Wonder if Donald will sign an executive order banning them

 

[Nick]

For sale 2 front wings for a lotus 7 replica £100 would consider swap for two Iceberg lettuce and a sprig of broccoli.

 

[Jack]

For sale 2 front wings for a lotus 7 replica £100 would consider swap for two Iceberg lettuce and a sprig of broccoli.

Otherwise known as aero lift devices!

 

[Charlie Farley]

Nick,

I've got a box of half rotten courgettes ( Spanish )
To be fair our US brethren will probably not be aware
of the problem. The solution is simple....eat more meat :laugh:

 

[Nick]

Nick,

I've got a box of half rotten courgettes ( Spanish )
To be fair our US brethren will probably not be aware
of the problem. The solution is simple....eat more meat :laugh:

Very true, this should help

 

[Charlie Farley]

Jesus,

That should read ' incontinence '.
Can you imagine the effects of only eating
three iceberg lettuce !!!! ?

 

[Nick]

Looks like it was not just the weather at play, the authorities seem to be closing in on another suspect. Keep yours eyes open.

 

[Charlie Farley]

Looks like putin to me...(note lower case P )

 

[BenL]

I found this on Facebook:
In the 90s Arsenal Football Club had a player called David Dicks. When he was injured, the newspaper wrote "Arsenal to play without Dicks". The coach was upset so the newspaper changed the headline to read "Arsenal to play with Dicks out"... A record number of women attended the match.


[I checked, there was a player for Arsenal 1898 to 1912 named "John Dick" who played in 284 games, had 13 goals]

 

[Nick]

I found this on Facebook:
In the 90s Arsenal Football Club had a player called David Dicks. When he was injured, the newspaper wrote "Arsenal to play without Dicks". The coach was upset so the newspaper changed the headline to read "Arsenal to play with Dicks out"... A record number of women attended the match.


[I checked, there was a player for Arsenal 1898 to 1912 named "John Dick" who played in 284 games, had 13 goals]

Years ago there was a well known Liberal Councillor I knew, whose wife was called Tory. When she was coming to the end of her pregnancy the local paper ran the headline "Liberal Tory goes into Labour".

 

[Larry L.]

'Saw this earlier today:


Why California is broke and Texas is not.

CALIFORNIA

1. The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
2. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
3. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
4. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
5. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
6. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
7. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
8. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
9. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.


TEXAS
1. The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
2. The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
3. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.


And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.