Jokes anyone? -

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
Pastor Maldonado arrives for his Mercedes interview.
...I had to Google the guy. 'Never heard of him. 'Figured he must be some new cast member/character on SNL or something...:lipsrsealed:

But then, I don't follow F1, so...
 
From my Aussie friend.


An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.... With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures....

"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered ""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand , Australia , Wales , and certain parts of Derbyshire and Wessex.
 
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
 
Larry
Peter Crosgrove has retired from the military but his quick wit has not hurt him.
He is now the Governor General of Australia (the Queens representative) He does not suffer fools well, I have watched several reporters ask him stupid questions only to be put very quickly in their place.

Darrell DRB GT40
LS1 G50
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
And....why we miss Rodney Dangerfield.

-With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

-I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

-It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

-Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

-A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

-A hooker once told me she had a headache.

-I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

-My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

-I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

-The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

-My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

-I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

-My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

-My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

-It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

-I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

-I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

-I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

-I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

-When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

-I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

-I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

-Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

-My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

-I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

-I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

-I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

-One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

-My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
 

Bill Musarra

Supporter
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the 19th hole.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $3.00
HAMBURGER: $5.00
CHEESEBURGER: $6.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $6.50
HAND-JOB: $25.00



Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons the attractive bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?

She looks into his wrinkled eyes, and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I certainly am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really well, because I want the cheeseburger.
 
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