Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
I passed wind in a lift today...it was wrong on so many levels.
A lot of people call me a hypochondriac... which hurts.
I was standing in the park thinking why do Frisbee's get larger the closer they get...then it hit me.
My wife and I decided we don't want children....if any one does we can drop them off tomorrow.
My father was a man of few words I remember he said to me "son...
I was addicted to rolling in pig manure...I've been clean for 2 years now.
A lot of people call me a hypochondriac... which hurts.
I was standing in the park thinking why do Frisbee's get larger the closer they get...then it hit me.
My wife and I decided we don't want children....if any one does we can drop them off tomorrow.
My father was a man of few words I remember he said to me "son...
I was addicted to rolling in pig manure...I've been clean for 2 years now.
A Frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. he can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I`d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it`s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she`ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There`s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It`s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man`s a rolling stone."
"Miss Whack, I`d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it`s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she`ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There`s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It`s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man`s a rolling stone."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Groan:shocked::stunned:
Oh - My - God. We've reached a new low in the Paddock.
No way.....Dave W the master of terrible jokes has retired, but he still posts on facebook there are many much lower to come
Thank you Marcus, but are you sure you are German, everyone knows Germans don't have a sense of humour
Another brilliant one for Pete Marcus Keith and others 
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
Deep coma.After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
That she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her
Baby.The doctor replies, "You had twins; a boy and a girl!
The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be
Christened immediately. Your brother came in and named them."The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not MI brother!
He's a clueless simple minded imbecile "Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.The new mother is totally relieved.
"Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother, I Like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew".
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
Deep coma.After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
That she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her
Baby.The doctor replies, "You had twins; a boy and a girl!
The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be
Christened immediately. Your brother came in and named them."The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not MI brother!
He's a clueless simple minded imbecile "Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.The new mother is totally relieved.
"Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother, I Like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew".
Most Americans won't get that joke due to the vagaries of the English idiom vs. American.
In the USA, "Hire Purchase" is called "Rent-to-own".
With that context, the joke is hilarious. Without it, it's just puzzling.
Fortunately I'm an Anglophile who has spent quite a bit of time over there so I can translate for the rest of us. :thumbsup:
That´s news to me...can our friends from the US confirm?
The Postillon: Wall between USA and Mexico restricted to height of 2 inches due to budget constraints
The Postillon: Wall between USA and Mexico restricted to height of 2 inches due to budget constraints
Hahah!
That's called a 'joke'. Here is another article from the same publication.
http://http://www.the-postillon.com/2017/04/uk-to-dig-huge-moat.html
Hahah!
That's called a 'joke'. Here is another article from the same publication.
The Postillon: UK to dig huge moat along EU border
The Romans used this wall between England and Scotland to try and control immigration, smuggling and customs, sounds familiar, no doubt all with the same ultimate outcome
Attachments
A list of various traveler's complaints:
1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”