Jokes anyone? -

Keith

Moderator
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a
whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too Miss, I didn't know we had
a choice!"
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky (cooler) to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute(truck) and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
 
Why your mother in law died?
She eat poisoned mushrooms.
And why she is blue everywhere in the face?
She did not want to eat them
 
Papi.....how far is Africa?
I do not know exactly, but it should not be so far. There is a black man coming to work by bicycle.
 
client - how much is a coffee?
barman - 1 dollar
client - And the sugar?
barman - it is free
client - O.K. give me a coffee and pack me 5 Kgs of sugar, pls
 
A man walking into a bar, says:
On the left all stupids and on the right all gays.
A big boy stands up from the right saying:
Hey you.... I am not a gay....
And??? just move to the left, stupid
 
A bird is covered by the shit of an horse.
A puma is taking out of the shit the bird and eats it.
Conclusions: not always who covers you of shit is bad and not always who takes you out of shit is good.
 
In a plane which is in troubles there are:
Berlusconi, the Pope and a boy scout. The captain comes to the back saying that everybody shall jump out but one parachute is missing.
Berlusconi takes one and saying that he is the most intelligent premier, he can't die.
The Pope tells to the boy scout: you are young and I am old, please take the last parachute.
The boy scout: never mind Mr Pope, the most intelligent man of the world toke my backpack.
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable id=EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_INCREDIMAINTABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_INCREDITEXTREGION style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable id=EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_mod_EDIMAINTABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_EC_mod_EDITEXTREGION style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0in" width="100%">This should bring a tear to the eye! Who said Australians weren't romantic?
An Australian Love Poem. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
B><B><FONT face=

You're a bloody top-notch bird </B><o:p></o:p>

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word
<o:p></o:p>

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
<o:p></o:p>

It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
<o:p></o:p>

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
<o:p></o:p>

So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
<o:p></o:p>

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
<o:p></o:p>

They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
<o:p></o:p>

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
<o:p></o:p>

I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
<o:p></o:p>

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
<o:p></o:p>

I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
<o:p></o:p>

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
<o:p></o:p>

Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.
<o:p></o:p>




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Brian Hamilton

I'm on the verge of touching myself inappropriatel
One for the season...




Turkey Stuffing Recipe

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.
 

David Lowe

Lifetime Supporter
Mafia job

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job who can only communicate by sign language.

If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someone of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
<table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> <table class="MsoNormalTable" style="margin-left: 3.75pt;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED TOO LONG


Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.

**********
<o:p></o:p>

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
<o:p></o:p>




**********
<o:p></o:p>

Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'

**********
<o:p></o:p>

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.' <o:p></o:p>

********** <o:p></o:p>

The Silent Fart <o:p></o:p>

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered To her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart. What Do you think I should do?'
He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'








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Brian Hamilton

I'm on the verge of touching myself inappropriatel
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
 
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Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Oklahoma on the opening day of deer season.

They both spotted a large trophy class buck meandering towards them.

As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came
slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike
act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed.

You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen
throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42
years."



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Some More:

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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').


(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying Forget YOU!


(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


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