Jokes anyone? -

[Keith]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%; mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #d4d0c8; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; BORDER-TOP: #d4d0c8; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; BORDER-LEFT: #d4d0c8; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: #d4d0c8; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" vAlign=top width="100%">PHONE CALL

Hi honey.


<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

This is Daddy.
<o></o>
Is Mummy near the phone?'
<o></o>
' No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'<o></o>

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'<o></o>

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now.'<o></o>
Brief Pause.<o></o>

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'<o></o>

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'<o></o>
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.<o></o>
'I did it Daddy.'<o></o>
'And what happened honey?'<o></o>
'Well, Mummy got all scared jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all !'<o></o>
'Oh my God ! ! ! What about your Uncle Paul?'<o></o>
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'<o></o>
***** Long Pause*****<o></o>
**** Longer Pause ****<o></o>
**** Even Longer Pause ****<o></o>
Then Daddy says,<o></o>
' Swimming pool ?

Is this Woking 4865731 ?'

Oooops :blank:

(apologies to anyone who lives in or near Woking, but if the cap fits.....)
<o></o>..................................................<o></o>

<o></o>
.<o></o>

<o></o>







</TD></TR><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 1; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #d4d0c8; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; BORDER-TOP: #d4d0c8; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; BORDER-LEFT: #d4d0c8; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: #d4d0c8; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" width="100%"><o></o>







</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<st1:State w:st="on">A Queensland</st1:State></st1lace> jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
<FONT face="Times New Roman">The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Hamburg</st1:City>, <st1:country-region w:st="on">Germany</st1:country-region></st1lace>.<o></o>
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'<o></o>
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.<o></o>
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.<o></o>
Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'<o></o>
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'<o></o>
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.<o></o>
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?' <o></o>
'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.' <o></o>





</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

Investment tips for 2008 
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. 
Watch for these consolidations in later this year: 


1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: 
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 


2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: 
Poly, Warner Cracker. 


3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: 
MMMGood. 


4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: 
ZipAudiDoDa . 


5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: 
FedUP. 


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: 
Fairwell Honeychild. 


7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: 
PouponPants. 


8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: 
Knott NOW! 


And finally... 


9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: 
TittyTittyBangBang

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Jokes about the differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Candadians


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.



Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

 

[Ken Mason]

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!!


First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?



Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!





PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

 

[Jeremy]

Subject:Note to self: 'cancel credit cards prior to death!'





A lady died this past January, and a New Zealand bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.



A family member placed a call to ANZ:



Family Member:

"I am calling to tell you that she died in January."



ANZ:

"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."



Family Member:

"Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."



ANZ:

"Since it is two months past due, it already has been."



Family Member:

So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"



ANZ:

"Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"



Family Member:

"Do you think God will be mad at her?"



ANZ:

"Excuse me?"



Family Member:

"Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"



ANZ:

"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."



Supervisor gets on the phone:



Family Member:

"I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."



ANZ:

"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."



Family Member:

"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"



ANZ:

(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"



Family Member:

"No, I'm her great nephew."

(Lawyer info given)



ANZ:

"Could you fax us a certificate of death?"



Family Member:

"Sure."

fax number is given)





After they get the fax:



ANZ:

"Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."



Family Member:

"Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."



ANZ:

"Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."



Family Member:

"Would you like her new billing address?"



ANZ:

"That might help."



Family Member:

"Rookwood Memorial Cemetery,

1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney

Plot Number 69."



ANZ:

"Sir, that's a cemetery!"



Family Member:

"What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

 

[Chris P.]

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

... anyone BUT the last person who is apparently being lapped.

 

[Keith]

Best I can do this week but the Oz blokes might laugh....:laugh3:

WELL OI’LL BE……
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Entrance Exam

Paddy Murphy was sent on his way to Heaven.

Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry Paddy' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering
from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's all right said Paddy. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked Paddy.

'The first' said St Peter, ' Is, which two days of the week
start with the letter 'T'?

The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?

The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?

Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and
when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So Paddy went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (you are expected you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon Paddy and asked if he had
considered the questions, to which Paddy replied, 'I have.'

'Well then, 'said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start
with the letter T?'

Paddy said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then Paddy, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

Paddy replied, 'Just 12!'

'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that
figure Paddy?'

'Easy' said Paddy, 'there's the second of January, the
second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at Paddy and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later St Peter returned to Paddy. 'I'll allow the
answer to stand Paddy, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now Paddy, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in
Waltzing Matilda?'

Paddy replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer,
Paddy?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy' said Paddy.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer and, turning to Paddy, asked 'Paddy, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said Paddy 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till
his Billy boiled.'

And so Paddy entered Heaven...


<o></o>

 

[Keith]

If this wasn't so true it would be tragic....

An old couple is reminiscing about their life together.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern, you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<o></o>
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'<o></o>
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble... So he follows them.<o></o>
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.<o></o>
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.<o></o>
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. <o></o>
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'<o></o>
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply... <o></o>
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'<o></o>
<o></o>

 

[Jeremy]

blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

''Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because I'm the f#c*ing goalie'

 

[Jay V]

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

Hmm, I've always wondered this myself. Now I know.

​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>


- The Silent generation,people born before 1946.


- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959


- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.


- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995 .


Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new!

 

[Bill Musarra]

Wives can be very quick witted but evil.

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
Anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that shit?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

 

[Peter Delaney]

THE LAWYER & HIS PORSCHE

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of
the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a
truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's
door.


Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled
up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the policeman had a
chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about
how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body
shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the officer shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you
neglect the most important things in life'


'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'


'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer.

'MY ROLEX!!!'

 

[Peter Delaney]

Not too PC, but what the heck !!

--- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

 

[John]

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem,
as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an
experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The
treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old
fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for
it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
"ole fella" sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my #rse'

 

[David Lowe]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





Probably wasn't the same elephant.




This is for all of those people who love reading those heart-warming bullshit stories.

 

[Jeremy]

Doctors vs Gunowners


Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 (17%).
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.
is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'


FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this
alarming threat.
We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large,
I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!

 

[David Sturch]

Tassie Dave,
Here's another one for your list of B/S Stories.

Peter Davies Jr. was holidaying in the Arizona desert after burying his father. As he travelled along a trail he came across a rattle snake that had been mauled by a hawk and was near death. He felt sorry for the snake picked it up and put it in his knapsack. He took the snake home and for weeks nursed it back to health. One day when he was checking on the snake, the snake coiled and struck his forearm. Slowly as the poison began to take Peter said "What did you do that for!" and the snake replied "Because I'm a Snake".

 

[David Lowe]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar…'



Posted with apologies to all my kiwi friends

David