Jokes anyone? -

[Peter Delaney]

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.


Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in the world is taking so long?"


"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Sam explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."


His companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.

 

[Jay V]

A lady decides to take up golf. Learns how to hit the ball and how to play from the local pro. The pro sets her up with three others for a round. She starts on the first tee and hits a shot towards the pin. Continues and finishes with a bogey. When she is walking to the second tee she gets stung by a bee on her right elbow. The pain from the sting is intense but she tees off anyway. Well, on the way to hit her second shot the pain intensifies, she tells the others about it and decides to quit for the day, she simply cannot continue on. So she goes back to the pro-shop, walks inside and the pro asked her what is wrong, that she just started a few minutes ago. She tells the pro that she got stung between the first and second hole. The pro nods and says, "Ahh, I know your problem, your stance is too wide."

 

[Paul Brameld]

This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[Paul Brameld]

Panties on a plane

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for
the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum
hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange
panties.' Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third old lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties.....'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I
ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey
always look fo da black box first.'

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Talking Dog




A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."

"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."

"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you 100 bucks."

The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"

"Roof!"

"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"

"Bark!"

"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!"

"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the 100 in 20s."

The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."

As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?"

 

[ross henry]

The gorgeous blonde, who is about to be wed, decides to have a thorough check up so makes an appointment with the the new gynaecologist.After the normal questions he leads her into a cubicle telling her to strip, sit and put her feet into the stirrups, and then leaves.When he returns he squats in front of her, shakes his head and mutters, "Oh wow"
She immediately "Whats it.Whats wrong?"
His reply is "I`m afraid there is only one thing I can do here"
She asks "What`s that, what`s that?"
I`m going to have to numb this whole area.
Again she asks,"how are you going to do that Doctor?"
Licking his lips he replies "NUM NUM, NUM NUM.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!'"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp

 

[ross henry]

Returning home from the golf course one evening the golfer hits a deer.Shocked he climbs out to inspect the damage but sees amazingly none,but the young deer is stone dead.He decides rather than waste the venison he would take it home and slaughter it there.
He tells his wife his story and is given strict instructions not to tell the kids as they would`nt touch deer meat.
Anyway two months later she serves a potroast and the son says he really is enjoying the meat and what is it?Mom answers saying that Dad and she had decided not to tell them, but seeing he was enjoying it so much, she would give a clue and see if he could guess. "Dad often calls me this"
With that that the young daughter jumps up screaming "Don`t eat it. don`t eat it.It`s an arsehole!"

 

[Danimal W]

Sorry, David, Gary L and Craig B.... I never said it was a good joke....


Is this one better???

A man and woman enter a dentist's office and the guy says, "Hey doc...we're in kinda of a hurry here. Got a tooth that needs pulled, but I have two buddies waiting for me out in the car, and we have a tee time at 10:00 and it's 9:30 already. I need you to pull the tooth without any novacaine...no time for that to take effect. Just go ahead and pull it out quick."

The dentist thinks, wow, this is a brave soul...."Which tooth is it?"

The guy turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show him which one, honey"

 

[Danimal W]

The Gambler and the Audit

​

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph, "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy
about it."

 

[Danimal W]

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
quarter.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad
realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking,
shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.


At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down
on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter,
gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles
and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.


As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "I work for Internal Revenue Service.”

 

[Danimal W]

Hillary Clinton goes to heaven and sees clocks everywhere. And she asked St. Peter what all the clocks were for.

He said, “Every time someone tells a lie there clock goes ahead one minute.”

She pointed at one clock that was on 0 and asked, “Who’s that was?”

St. Peter said, “Mother Teresa.”

Then she asked, “Who’s clock that was that was on 2?”

St. Peter said, “Abe Lincoln.”

Then she asked, “Where is Bill Clinton's clock?”

St. Peter said, "It’s in the big guys office he is using it as a fan".

 

[Danimal W]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

 

[Danimal W]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them each one wish before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first person what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only 10 people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says, "Make ‘em all ugly again."

 

[Danimal W]

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole. The son says "damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt."

After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. "Maybe I'll really get into this next drive."

Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. And for the rest of the round she continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"


So remember, age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

 

[Jim Cowden]

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a kilometre down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked
back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom with a neighbour, making mad passionate love to her!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, so had gone to her rescue, but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her on the bed, and began CPR.
When she awoke, she immediately began thanking him and kissing him, and he was attempting to break free when I came back.
But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him any more.
Can you please help me with my problem?
Sincerely,
Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Regards,
Walter

 

[Bill Bayard]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.


They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.


Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"


His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

For Christmas Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $300,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. Well, I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $300,000 mortgage and no f**king bike!"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

This was sent to me as a joke, but unfortunately is close to the mark.


School 1960/70 vs. School 2007
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.