Jokes anyone? -

IanAnderson · Jul 10, 2014

Feeling happier yet Pete?

Pete · Jul 10, 2014

Well done Ian.:lol::lol::lol::lol:

delaneyp · Jul 11, 2014

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ontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery ( Tasmania ), Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB."
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you jokers aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

wbmusarra · Jul 11, 2014

Amazing what a little talent and perseverance will get you:

Carrot clarinet: Linsey Pollak at TEDxSydney 2014 - YouTube

wbmusarra · Jul 11, 2014

Amazing what a little talent and perseverance will get you:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/BISrGwN-yH4

Pete · Jul 13, 2014

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A

epends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q

lease send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q

o you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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Graduate Fasttrack with Satheesh Kumar and 5 others
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A

epends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q

lease send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q

o you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Pete · Jul 13, 2014

Sorry about the smilies but they don't appear when I try to edit them out?

Pete · Jul 13, 2014

A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size"

Pete · Jul 13, 2014

A snail goes into a Rolls Royce dealer and says to the salesman; "I want the most expensive Rolls you have" "Certainly" replies the salesman, "this car here is the top of the range model." "It's perfect" says the snail, "but I want it customised." " We offer a full range of upgrades, anything at all, what would you like?" asks the salesman. "I simply want an 'S' painted on this side, one on the other side, and another on the roof." "But sir, whatever for? It'll totally ruin the car." "Well" replies the snail, "when I drive down the street, I want people to say 'look at that s-car go'."

Pete · Jul 14, 2014

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.

molleur · Jul 14, 2014

Larry L. · Jul 14, 2014

molleur said:

Uhhhhhh...???

molleur · Jul 14, 2014

kitchen aids...

Keith1 · Jul 14, 2014

I'm not sure that I should post this as it might cause offence....

Oh sod it......

The Queen was visiting Scotland and met Alex Salmond.

HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when I win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?

HM: No, We don’t like that.

AS: Alright Ma'am, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?

HM: .... (thinks).... No Mr Salmond, I think we should call it a Country.

Al Wohlstrom · Jul 15, 2014

Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club. They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley, descending down to a dogleg right. Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s. Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway. Stosh looks at Milo and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the Polish Country Club Championship and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball. After all, we are tied for the lead." Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf balls. He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says, "Which one of you is playing the orange ball?"

Al Wohlstrom · Jul 15, 2014

"Mom," he said, "the other boys at school are using two words I don't understand. Can you tell me what they mean?"
"Certainly," Mom said. "What are they?"
"Pussy and bitch."
Mom inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."

Craig thanked his mother and ran out the door. But something about his mother's explanation bothered him.
So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage.
"Dad," Craig said, "the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."
"Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me. Let me explain what they mean for you. "
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold and drew a circle around the pubic area.

"Everything inside the circle is pussy," he said.
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle."

jimbo · Jul 16, 2014

Al, that's the best.

Keith1 · Jul 16, 2014

CAUTION: Real WOGG Jokes...

No Offence Intended (yeah right)

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</td></tr></tbody></table>

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="mso-cellspacing:0cm;mso-yfti-tbllook:1184;mso-table-lspace:2.25pt; mso-table-rspace:2.25pt;mso-table-anchor-vertical

aragraph;mso-table-anchor-horizontal: column;mso-table-left:left;mso-padding-alt:0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" align="left" border="0"> <tbody><tr style="mso-yfti-irow:0;mso-yfti-firstrow:yes;mso-yfti-lastrow:yes"> <td style="padding:0cm 9.0pt 0cm 9.0pt" valign="top"> I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean.

x

Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought, 'two lips from Amsterdam' !

x

My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing.
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.

x

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

x

My girlfriend says that a small penis wont affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all !

x

A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25"
Curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please."
To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour !"

x

I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out
"Can I see your ticket please ?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn !"

x

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird ?"
I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan shaped tails and live on insects.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."

x
</td> </tr> </tbody></table> Everyone's a comedian nowadays.Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch he said..... "It's Houston, we have a problem!”
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Pete · Jul 16, 2014

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Pete · Jul 16, 2014

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
Wait for it ...

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes!"

Jokes anyone? -

Ian Anderson

Pete McCluskey.

Peter Delaney

Bill Musarra

Bill Musarra

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Jack

Larry L.

Jack

Keith

Al Wohlstrom

Al Wohlstrom

Jim Rosenthal

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

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