Jokes anyone? -

[Ian Anderson]

In The Irish Mortuary




Three bodies turn up at the mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the
coroner to investigate.
"First body," says the coroner,
"Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
Hence the smile.''

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery.
Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, "So what about this third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken".

 

[Al Wohlstrom]

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all upon the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? Scoutmaster Ted says that's why he went to prison.
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

 

[Nick]

Always knew I should have joined the RAF

Military Rules

Royal Marine Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough....
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet, even your friends
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a “4.”
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & Diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

SBS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

SAS Rules:
1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from “Higher” to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lt’s; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

RAF Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what’s on Sky.
4. Ask “what is a gunfight?”
5. Request more funding from Government with a “killer” Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ‘key’ MPs; invite MOD & defence industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets “strategic” and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tea-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

Royal Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink rum
AND………
3. Deploy Marines

 

[John]

Nice one Pete, reminded me of the "hello muda hello fatha" song .

cheers John

 

[Marcus]

Dutch commercial:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Q-pmKiFZTw"]THE FUNNIEST DUTCH COMMERCIAL EVER ! - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Jack]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.


Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...? <!-- / message -->

 

[Larry L.]

Guess where I am now...? <!-- / message -->

Up the school district's 'p.c.' administrative creek w/o a paddle?

 

[Jack]

No Larry, I'm sitting on this forum.

 

[Nick]

To help you Johnny Foreigners



30 Things British People Say Vs What We Actually Mean. | news - quickmeme

 

[David Lowe]

A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of NorthernMichiganUniversity at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.


Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and recited a prayer. He became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy, Protestant Pastor, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle any Holy water! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Anglican Prayer book. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praying!'

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

[Nick]

A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of NorthernMichiganUniversity at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.


Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and recited a prayer. He became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy, Protestant Pastor, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle any Holy water! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Anglican Prayer book. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praying!'

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Thanks :lol:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australiaman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia."
The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country Australia!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Australia woman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Australians?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

 

[Jack]

Priceless!

 

[Larry L.]

A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australiaman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia."
The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country Australia!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Australia woman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Australians?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

That applies in spades here in the U.S.

 

[Jack]

Exotic travel for our British friends..

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
<o></o>
It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles North of the capital.<o></o>
<o></o>
We were stranded in a third world hell hole! Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us, the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress, as all other women were head to toe in black burkas.<o></o>
<o></o>
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.<o></o>
<o></o>





<o></o>
Just then, Dave the organizer suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park has a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and then on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey to Afghanistan.<o></o>
<o></o>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Many a true story told in jest Jack.

 

[Nick]

Put a wig on your dog and freak out the neighbours

 

[Larry L.]

This was sent to me a few minutes ago! 'Laughed until I cried!
('Apologies for not knowing how to compress this down a tad...)
<TABLE id=yui_3_16_0_1_1413077594918_8559 class=yiv2050763713MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0> <TBODY id=yui_3_16_0_1_1413077594918_8558> <TR id=yui_3_16_0_1_1413077594918_8557> <TD id=yui_3_16_0_1_1413077594918_8556 style="WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt" width="100%">
Love what kids come up with...they know so much they are not given credit for.





Afternoon Sex







The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...




- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.




He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:




- "An ambulance just drove by!"




- "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.




- "Matt's riding a new bike!"




- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"




- "Jason is on his skate board!"




After a few moments he announced...




- "The Coopers are having sex.




Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.




Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"




" Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."





















































</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

OK - it's aimed at the ladies, but it made me laugh...

"A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.

And YOU will now be his carer!


The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.




The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg...He's dead. Show me what you bought.' "