Jokes anyone? -

[Bill Musarra]

A redneck with a bucket full of live
fish was approached recently by a
game warden in Murrayville, GA as he started to drive his
boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man,
"May I see your fishing license
please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't
need none of them there papers. These here are my pet
fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine
down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a
while.

Then when I whistle, they swim right
back into my net and I take 'em
home."

"What a line ....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment
Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the
time!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden.
"PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and
waited. After a few minutes, the warden said,
"Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them
back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never
hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

 

[Jack]

Hillary's book:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdoJRuVUaz0#t=51

 

[Jack]

"President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?" <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Pete,
I met Bader only the once and that was one time too many. He was exceptionally rude and quite demeaning. Apart from chocks under his nose wheel, he got absolutely nothing from the guys working on VASF (the flight that handled visiting aircraft at RAF Marham). I heard that there was no handling crew when he came to leave and having started engines and then ranting on on the tower frequency, had to get out of the aeroplane and remove the chocks on his own.
Inspite of being a famous WW2 ace, he was brought down to ground level by the ground crew for his pig ignorance and that seemed to happen where ever he went int he 60's.

It's a pity that fame can turn people into a total prick. Having said that he was probably always a prick.
I have heard similiar stories about Hilary Clinton.

 

[Mike Drew]

I've met Chuck Yeager. He follows the same pattern...sadly.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.
I am in Australia and he lives in the UK.
We met on a dating website,
became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."
Father: "Wow! Really! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on
Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you
are fed up with your husband....sell him on eBay."

 

[Nick]

I'm thinking of selling my hoover as all it seems to do is gather dust.

Interesting as top gear pointed out, where the guy who came in late and was superfluous to requirements puts his helping hand.

Interesting reaction of the driver as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DDiLBbFAJY

 

[John]

Just heard today that Nikon have just released their new SLR camera, apparently one of its striking features, is it has a shutter speed so fast, it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.

john
:chug:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that
the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather'
(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)

 

[Glenn M]

Oh Pete! Brilliant!

Having just spent a week touring Wales on our bikes, that rings so true!!

Glenn

 

[Larry L.]

This is an 'oldie but goodie'. 'Not AT ALL "p.c." these days though (think "Washington Red Skins")...which is one of the reasons I'm posting it. I'm tired of all that crap:


An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee . . . The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for a position in United States Congress . . . Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."


BTW...when do you suppose the U.S. "Bureau of INDIAN Affairs" is gunna change ITS moniker so as not to "offend" anyone? It shouldn't cost the taxpayers more than a couple billion to change all the signs on its office buildings and the letter heads on all its stationary to read, "Bureau of Native American Affairs". After all, no price is too high to pay in order to ensure that no one is "offended".

 

[Nick]

If you can keep your job when all your cronies
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can vote yourself a massive bonus,
Despite the quarter's plunging revenue;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting
To sink the knife exactly where it fits,
And being hated beat them all at hating,
And then downsize them all, the stupid sh*ts;

If you can dream of sex all through a meeting
With hot account execs from O & M,
But never give a hint, however fleeting,
Your mind's on anything but cpm's;
If you can slap and tickle without feeling,
Give new meaning to the phrase "a bottom line";
If you can reinforce that glassy ceiling
(And fire the silly ninnies when they whine);

If you can stop the whistleblower blowing
And make sure the bastard never works again;
If you can inside trade without showing
And when the feds call, neatly shift the blame;
If you can peddle the stuff that causes cancer
But know the art of making settlements;
If you can perjure smoothly when you answer
And have the court seal all your documents;

If you can sell your board stupendous hooey;
If you can sweet-talk Fortune magazine;
If you can screw - but never be the screwee;
If you can count the all-important bean;
If you can fill each ever-loving minute
With sixty seconds of concern for Number One,
The company is yours and all that's in it,
And - yes - you'll be the CEO, my son!

 

[Nick]

Are ice bucket challenges getting out of hand

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLlWHVz23nA

 

[Mike Pass]

I guess the slug is the one with all the brains?
Cheers
Mike

 

[Nick]

I guess the slug is the one with all the brains?
Cheers
Mike

Mike,

Not as many as this Panda though, but both have more than someone fooled by you into thinking there was a Linden Green Ford Anglia in the paddock, how I laughed as the sweat dripped from my brow from the chasing around looking for it!!!!

Giant panda fakes pregnancy

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A recent article in the New Zealand Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has tried to sue Wellington State Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied refuting the claim stating:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

Like it Pete.

 

[Nick]

According to my wife when asked, "yes if it's you"

 

[Al Jones]

Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?.........
Every time your wife goes to the bathroom you take four shots.

 

[Ian Anderson]

A guy walked walked into a crowded bar, waving his Colt .45 pistol


"I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"



A voice from the back of the bar called out............................"You'll need more ammo!"