Jokes anyone? -

molleur · Jul 11, 2015

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w

unctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w

oNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w

ontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w

ontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w

ontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w

ontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Harley?”

Pete · Jul 13, 2015

Helpline

Hello, “You have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line’, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”

“Hi Bob,
I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

Pete · Jul 13, 2015

Helpline

Hello, “You have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line’, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”

“Hi Bob,
I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

Larry L. · Jul 13, 2015

^^^ That was worth posting twice! :thumbsup:

Pete · Jul 14, 2015

Paraprosdakians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit... Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure....

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now

Veek · Jul 14, 2015

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud and almost feel like a hybrid.

Veek · Jul 14, 2015

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud and almost feel like a hybrid.

_____________________________________________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

_________________________________________________________________
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

Keith1 · Jul 20, 2015

Talking of Mexicans.....

The funny thing is, this isn't a joke!

Charlie Farley · Jul 20, 2015

Ddaay r sumeones neyburrs..

Larry L. · Jul 20, 2015

Keith1 said:
The funny thing is, this isn't a joke!

...and proof of that IS...?

I seriously doubt anyone could be that dumb...even the most hardcore redneck...

wbmusarra · Jul 20, 2015

I can tell Larry has never been to the back waters of Louisiana, the foothills of Appalachia, or the back country of Alabama to name just a few redneck areas. AND, I can tell you my first wife understood anatomy, about enough to fall into that category. Most schools in the 50s and early 60s didn't teach anatomy , much less sex ed. It was left up to the parents, or the back seat of a 55 Chevy.

Bill

Larry L. · Jul 21, 2015

If that's true, I hope NUNNA 'em vote... :stunned:

Keith1 · Jul 21, 2015

Larry L. said:
If that's true, I hope NUNNA 'em vote... :stunned:

Having lived in Alabama for 6 years, I can sadly confirm what Randy says is true. As for voting, not sure unless they are Mexican! :laugh:

Keith1 · Jul 26, 2015

I don't miss being married......:squint:

Ron Poast · Jul 27, 2015

The tooth brush was invented in South Carolina

Any place else and it would have been called a teeth brush.

TA152 · Jul 28, 2015

I wouldn't get started on South Carolina, or any other state, living in Wisconsin.

Keith1 · Jul 28, 2015

Ron Poast said:
The tooth brush was invented in South Carolina

Any place else and it would have been called a teeth brush.

That's actually very funny! :thumbsup:

Er, except our glorious Leader comes from there doesn't he? (Hail Earp)

In that case Ron, the joke sucks mate.... :drunk:

Ron Poast · Jul 28, 2015

Hey, its all in fun. I'm Norwegian, someone must know some norske jokes.

Keith1 · Jul 28, 2015

Well then you should know that sense-of-humour failure is a common ailment in the US of A..:lipsrsealed:

Norse Jokes, let me see now..

"Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

Ron Poast · Jul 28, 2015

I was at Road America last weekend. I talked to a guy standing by a MK11. He said he didn't own it but he worked on it. I told him I was building a 40 and I was going to use a Chevy motor and call it a Chef-ord GT40. Maybe I should not have told him that because he was a lot bigger than me. Now I have at least 3 guys riled up.

Jokes anyone? -

Jack

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Larry L.

Pete McCluskey.

Pat

Pat

Keith

Charlie Farley

Larry L.

Bill Musarra

Larry L.

Keith

Keith

Ron Poast

Grady

Keith

Ron Poast

Keith

Ron Poast

Similar threads