Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

Helpline

Hello, “You have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line’, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”

“Hi Bob,
I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Helpline

Hello, “You have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line’, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”

“Hi Bob,
I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

 

[Larry L.]

^^^ That was worth posting twice! :thumbsup:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Paraprosdakians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit... Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure....

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now

 

[Pat]

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud and almost feel like a hybrid.

 

[Pat]

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud and almost feel like a hybrid.

_____________________________________________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

_________________________________________________________________
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

 

[Keith]

Talking of Mexicans.....

The funny thing is, this isn't a joke!

 

[Charlie Farley]

Ddaay r sumeones neyburrs..

 

[Larry L.]

The funny thing is, this isn't a joke!

...and proof of that IS...?

I seriously doubt anyone could be that dumb...even the most hardcore redneck...

 

[Bill Musarra]

I can tell Larry has never been to the back waters of Louisiana, the foothills of Appalachia, or the back country of Alabama to name just a few redneck areas. AND, I can tell you my first wife understood anatomy, about enough to fall into that category. Most schools in the 50s and early 60s didn't teach anatomy , much less sex ed. It was left up to the parents, or the back seat of a 55 Chevy.

Bill

 

[Larry L.]

If that's true, I hope NUNNA 'em vote... :stunned:

 

[Keith]

If that's true, I hope NUNNA 'em vote... :stunned:

Having lived in Alabama for 6 years, I can sadly confirm what Randy says is true. As for voting, not sure unless they are Mexican! :laugh:

 

[Keith]

I don't miss being married......:squint:

 

[Ron Poast]

The tooth brush was invented in South Carolina










Any place else and it would have been called a teeth brush.

 

[Grady]

I wouldn't get started on South Carolina, or any other state, living in Wisconsin.

 

[Keith]

The tooth brush was invented in South Carolina










Any place else and it would have been called a teeth brush.

That's actually very funny! :thumbsup:

Er, except our glorious Leader comes from there doesn't he? (Hail Earp)

In that case Ron, the joke sucks mate.... :drunk:

 

[Ron Poast]

Hey, its all in fun. I'm Norwegian, someone must know some norske jokes.

 

[Keith]

Well then you should know that sense-of-humour failure is a common ailment in the US of A..:lipsrsealed:

Norse Jokes, let me see now..

"Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

 

[Ron Poast]

I was at Road America last weekend. I talked to a guy standing by a MK11. He said he didn't own it but he worked on it. I told him I was building a 40 and I was going to use a Chevy motor and call it a Chef-ord GT40. Maybe I should not have told him that because he was a lot bigger than me. Now I have at least 3 guys riled up.

 

[Ron Poast]

Hilda and Lena went on a trip to Italy. They were walking around and looking at all the wonderful statues of the naked men. Hilda said those Italian men sure have big testicles. Lena said Ya, da cold too.





I guess I better get to work on the 40 and leave this computer alone!!!!!