Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning, and the young lady behind me honked at me very upset, because I was taking too long to pay.
Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food. As I moved up, she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.
When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipt's and took her food too. I paid for it, it was mine!
Now she has to wait even longer.
She’s gonna learn today, "you just don't mess with us old people."
Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food. As I moved up, she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.
When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipt's and took her food too. I paid for it, it was mine!
Now she has to wait even longer.
She’s gonna learn today, "you just don't mess with us old people."
A friend sent this. The problem is it is starting to make sense.
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house
Bill Kearley
Supporter
I came in from the shop today and found Jane, my wife, mad as hell. I asked what was wrong, she was all pissed of cause she has been working on a picture puzzle of a turkey with thousands of pieces for over a week and asked me to help her get it started. I looked at her and said lets have a cup of tea and talk. I ASKED HER TO PLEASE PUT THE CORN FLAKES BACK IN THE BOX AND PUT IT AWAY.
They're ALL TRUE...especially the last one...
To be honest, that’s not really a joke, more a statement 5 year old would make!
Kinda like "Make my day" and "Get off my lawn"? ;-)
Well Simon, I thought it was a presidential tweet that had got lost, was a bit worried it was about to be followed up with advice on how to ingest it.
Bill Kearley
Supporter
Did you hear the news, Spam is about to start a second run of canned meat.
Bill Kearley
Supporter
Are we still using tranny fluid ? Or is it gender neutral shift juice now ?
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received this letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received this letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie