Jokes anyone? -

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning, and the young lady behind me honked at me very upset, because I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food. As I moved up, she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipt's and took her food too. I paid for it, it was mine!

Now she has to wait even longer.

She’s gonna learn today, "you just don't mess with us old people."
 

Randy V

Admin
Lifetime Supporter
A friend sent this. The problem is it is starting to make sense.

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”

#6 - “On time” is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

And one more:

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house
 

Bill Kearley

Supporter
I came in from the shop today and found Jane, my wife, mad as hell. I asked what was wrong, she was all pissed of cause she has been working on a picture puzzle of a turkey with thousands of pieces for over a week and asked me to help her get it started. I looked at her and said lets have a cup of tea and talk. I ASKED HER TO PLEASE PUT THE CORN FLAKES BACK IN THE BOX AND PUT IT AWAY.
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
A friend sent this. The problem is it is starting to make sense.

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”

#6 - “On time” is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

And one more:

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house
They're ALL TRUE...especially the last one...
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
"I wonder why prostitution is illegal. I can't figure out why it's illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away. Does that make sense to you?" (- Geo. Carlin)
 
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