Jokes anyone? -

[Jim Rosenthal]

A woman walks into Tiffany's in New York to look at the diamond necklaces. She leans over the display case to view one she fancies, and gasps. She also farts. She is very embarrassed, but she doesn't think anyone noticed it.

The salesman comes up behind her and says, "May I help you, madam?"

"Yes", she says, "could you tell me the price on that necklace?" (pointing)

"Certainly," he says. "But if just looking at it made you fart, you're going to shit when you hear the price."

 

[Bill Musarra]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a husband and wife in bed. He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. Then while tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the husband watches the intruder get on top of her, kiss her neck, and then get up and go into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband nervously whispers to his wife:

Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his prison issued clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey! I love you!

His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too.

 

[Garry]

Snow Story One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, he husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


</BTFBODY>Garry
</BTFHTML>

 

[Garry]

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.




YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.



PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

Garry:thumbsup:

 

[Phil]

An obviously older man walks into a high end jewelry store on a Friday with a knockout blond on his arm. He walks up to the salesman and asks for a really nice diamond ring, meanwhile the blond is gushing and hanging alkl over him. The salesman brings out a few rings, and the man says that the diamonds are not big enough, he wants a really nice ring for the girl. The salesman brings out a 3 1/2 carat stunner and the man says "Perfect". Meanwhile the blond is almost in orgasm. The man tells the salesman he wants the ring and writes a check saying "Put that in your bank, when the check clears on Monday I'll come and pickup the ring.

Monday arrives and the check bounces, so the jeweller calls the man and says "Your check bounced", the man says "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend"

Cheers
Phil

 

[Keith]

I guess Govt jobs the world over are just the same!

THE POST OFFICE JOB INTERVIEW...

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks hi m "Are you allergic to anything?"

He says "Yes, just caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here..", and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."

The interviewer tells the guy "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"

This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.."

 

[Bill Musarra]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for
his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were
very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she
didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blow jobs."

"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this
month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what
if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he
was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need
to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the
noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, maki ng hellacious banging and
crashing
sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find
her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook,
your ass is gone."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<HR style="COLOR: #666666; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #666666" SIZE=1> <!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->
The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and
close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon... I's sure of
eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon,
back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig
meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert
don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within
5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man... you was right, ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...


Ees...


Ees...

Ees...




Eees a Ham Bush!!!"

 

[Al Jones]

What does Ms. Lewinsky have in common with a vending machine? Both have a place to "insert bill here".

 

[RichardH]

Why did God make Blondes?






















coz sheep cant bring beer from the fridge..

 

[Keith]

Women Middle Lane Hoggers. Huh :veryangry:

aterrizajedeemergencia.flv video by hard11 - Photobucket

 

[Jim Nielsen]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules" From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1.. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whe never possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NO T need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like no thing' s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. .. Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this .
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[Keith]

Sorry Jim, this is the Jokes Forum. What you have posted is all true therefore your post is in the: :wrongforum:

Always wanted to say that....:laugh:

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

Yeah, but I liked it a lot, and it's also funny, so I think it should stay.

 

[David Sturch]

A Canadian Joke

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.​

​

The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.​

​

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in.​

​

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.​

​

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test."​

Dave

​

​

 

[Jay V]

....get rid of the kids, close the door... and have the sound where you can hear it reasonably well.... lmao


Funny Balloon Animal CommercialVideo

 

[David Lowe]

Book Report-

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.






One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

 

[Jay V]

How to serve chicken wings to a man

 

[JimmyMac]

Notices around the world

In a <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1:City>Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

<st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Cocktail lounge</st1:City>, <st1:country><st1:country-region w:st="on">Norway</st1:country-region></st1lace>:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Rome</st1:City></st1lace>:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Bangkok</st1:City></st1lace>:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Nairobi</st1:City></st1lace> restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Nairobi</st1:City></st1lace>:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN <st1lace w:st="on">GRAVES</st1lace>.

<st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Tokyo</st1:City></st1lace> hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Tokyo</st1:City></st1lace> bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

<st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Hotel</st1:City>, <st1:country><st1:country-region w:st="on">Yugoslavia</st1:country-region></st1lace>:
THE FLATTENING OF YOUR UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

<st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Hotel</st1:City>, <st1:country><st1:country-region w:st="on">Japan</st1:country-region></st1lace>:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Moscow</st1:City></st1lace> hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in <st1:country><st1:country-region w:st="on">Germany</st1:country-region>'s <st1lace w:st="on">Black Forest</st1lace>:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR <st1lace w:st="on"><st1laceName w:st="on">BLACK</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">FOREST</st1laceType></st1lace> CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Zurich</st1:City></st1lace>:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, <st1:country><st1lace w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Thailand</st1:country-region></st1lace>:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Copenhagen</st1:City></st1lace>:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS...

A laundry in <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Rome</st1:City></st1lace>:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. </st1:country></st1:country></st1:country></st1:country></st1:country>

 

[JimmyMac]

Now, Wash your hands !