Jokes anyone? -

[Dave Bilyk]

OK guys, if there is such a thing, this is a true joke!

Story from a uk newspaper this week, but in my own words;

An 89 year old guy was doing a crossword:

Clue 14 across was 'Wild Asian Ass'

Now for those of you with a mind like mine, we are talking donkeys here ok?

For those of you who have led sheltered lives like this gentleman, don't do what he did and Google 'Wild Asian Ass' The answer is Onager, sometimes known as 'The Wild Asian Ass' and NOT 'the hottest spicy Asian ass you will ever see'

Stunned, it took him a few variations on this theme and much shock before he Googled 'donkey sanctuaries' and found the answer he was actually looking for.

Dave

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:



Please enjoy and understand the following


IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?


I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.


WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?


IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?


IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?


IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?


WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"


WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?


IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?


WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?


IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?


CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?


IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?


WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?


HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?


WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?


ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.


DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?


HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?


IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?


IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?


IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?


WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?


WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?


WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?


WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?


IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?


CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
.....................................................................................................................

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[Keith]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Truth in advertising..YouTube - TRIUMPH ROCKET III - 21ST CENTURY MOTORCYCLE MANUFACTURE

 

[egoman/ Shawn Wedge]

Truth in advertising..YouTube - TRIUMPH ROCKET III - 21ST CENTURY MOTORCYCLE MANUFACTURE

That was perfect.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Here is an even more honest one. YouTube - Honest Harley Davidson Commercial

 

[Kevin Box]

The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

 

[Garry]

On his 65th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a cure for erectile dysfunction.
>
> After being persuaded, Pete drove to the reservation & handed his gift certificate to the medicine man.
>
> The medicine man produced a potion, handed it to Pete, & with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine & it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful & then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life & you will be able to perform as long as you want."
>
> Pete was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned & asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
>
> The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4;' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
>
> Eager to see if it would work, Pete went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine & then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes & said, "1-2-3". Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
>
> His wife was excited & began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
>
> And that, boys & girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. ...Because we could end up with a dangling participle...........
Garry

 

[David Morton]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As of yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... only two left

 

[Bill Musarra]

Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backward says "race car".

...And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense - "ate".

...And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants", and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other towel-headed, hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you."

How weird is that?

 

[Kevin Box]

The Australian Solution to Save Petrol

Rudd wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use...
The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport three million illegal immigrants!
That would be three million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down...
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the coast line...
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Timor Sea, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan.
Tell him if he wants to come to Australia then he must serve a tour in the military...
Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident...
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves...
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo....
Problem solved....
If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends…
I just did...

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Bumper stickers.


It's time to pull over and change the air in your head.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Caution: Teen driver just learning stick.
Driver carries no money. Wife and kids have it all.
(On the back of a motorcyclist's jacket): If you can read this, my girlfriend fell off.
Forget about World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
You think my driving is bad? You should see me putt.
You're parked OK, but your bumpersticker is blocking traffic.
Take the mystery out of driving. Use your turn signal.
If God is your co-pilot, switch seats.
Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, you are in range.
A messy car is a happy car. This car is delirious.
Welcome to Wisconsin. Smell our Dairy Air.
PB4WEGO
I live so far in the country my zip is EIEIO
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Pick a speed and stick with it!
I may be driving slow, but I'm in front of you.
Don't laugh! It's already paid for.
My other car has bucket seats. This one has orange crates.
I can drive slower.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Tailgaters. Give em a brake.
Answer my prayers. Steal this car.
Bumpersticker on Noah's Ark: "Scattered showers my ass!"
An automobile was mentioned in the Bible: Paul said they were all together in one accord.
Honk if you support tax cuts for the rich.
This bumperstick exploits illiterates.
This is it--I don't have another car.
Visualize being a courteous driver.
Disregard last bumpersticker.
I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Upon advice of counsel, my bumper bears no message at this time.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
Honk if anything falls off.
My other car has bumperstickers, too.
Once we have the bugs ironed out we'll be running on flat bugs.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Hang up and drive!
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot. Anybody going faster than you is a maniac.
My car might be ugly, but your daughter was in it last night.
If you can read this you're either too close or my bumper fell off again.
If you're living on the edge, be sure to buckle your seatbelt.
My designated driver drove me to drink.
Use caution in passing. Driver chewing tobacco.
Belt that kid of yours. It's the law.
Back off! You're creeping up like cheap underwear.
If you are psychic, think "Honk."
Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
My other car still has its radio. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll fix it until it is

 

[Keith]

My favourite bumper sticker in Alabama was always:

"Caution, I swerve around hallucinations"

ANYWAY

AND NOW - DATING RITUALS

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary
position.

IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti
and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists
on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the
thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head
again.

CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing
happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already
realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real
expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on
Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father,
his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids,
her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,
her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you
live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home
that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio
Grande.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

 

[Allan]

So after creating everything God met with Adam and Eve to let him know he was going on vacation. He left them and told them to enjoy themselves while he was gone.
Upon God's return he asked them what they did while he was gone. Adam and Eve told him that they discovered this awesome thing they called sex. God was happy they made the discovery on their own but just had one concern so he asked them what Eve did to clean herself after the act.
Eve promptly replied by saying that she went down to the ocean afterwards and washed herself out in the saltwater.
Now upset by this news God said, "Great, now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!"

 

[Bill Musarra]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back).

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

So I did.'

 

[Bill Musarra]

Red Neck La-Z-Boy

Redneck La-Z-Boy

 

[Garry]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and, it
said...

You'll love this...

"FOR BEST RESULTS,

PUT ON TWO COATS."

Garry

 

[Trevor Booth]

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes
off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the
doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I
had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it
true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the
bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Whats similar between a Dog and short sighted Gynecologist?






Both have wet noses.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry!
And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are p***ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen