Jokes anyone? -

Pete · May 20, 2010

Not PC at all.

I met a 14 year old girl on the Internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

P><P><FONT face=Arial>How cool is that at her age

He replied, "No, just having a shit."<o

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Disabled toilets. <o

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Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. <o

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. <o

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How could anyone stoop so low? <o

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke<o

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standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.<o

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I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"<o

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I'm living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment.... They have<o

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3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,<o

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so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!<o

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* Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has<o

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only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school<o

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along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1<o

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pedal.<o

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If you send us just $2, we will send you the video. Its f*cking hilarious.<o

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* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is good morning you<o

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ugly c _ _ t? It's not yours is it?<o

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* Been to the optometrist today and he told me I was colour blind. I'm<o

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f*cking worried now that some of my mates could be coons. If you are, can<o

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you delete my number? Ta<o

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* A bloke starts work in a maternity hospital. Nurse tells him to bath a<o

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newborn aboriginal baby. She goes to check on him and he's swishing the<o

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aboriginal baby round the bath with a stick. You don't bath a baby like<o

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that she said. He said, You do when the water's this f*cking hot!<o

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* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.<o

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* I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly<o

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found in cells. Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the<o

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correct answer.

wbmusarra · May 20, 2010

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

wbmusarra · May 20, 2010

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese Sex Therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your problem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not half sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.

wbmusarra · May 20, 2010

Hugh Laurie before he was House, with Stephen Fry:

YouTube - Funny Hugh Laurie & Stephen Fry comedy sketch! 'Your name, sir?' - BBC comedy

Keith1 · May 21, 2010

nota2266 · May 21, 2010

Now thats a classic Mr Hardy

Russ Noble · May 23, 2010

Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn cuz," answers one of the Kiwis

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Kiwis cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at
all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and learn cuz," answers a Kiwi ......

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."

Conquest351 · May 23, 2010

And....?

Keith1 · May 23, 2010

Aw c'mon Brian, stopping messin' about :laugh:

Russ Noble · May 23, 2010

Conquest351 said:
And....?

It's a fairy tale.....Don't you Yanks have bedtime stories?.....Its the perfect fairy tale ending..... Everyone except the Ozzies live happily ever after.....

Keith1 · May 23, 2010

Russ Noble said:
It's a fairy tale.....Don't you Yanks have bedtime stories?.....Its the perfect fairy tale ending..... Everyone except the Ozzies live happily ever after.....

A genuine classic! :thumbsup:

Brian - hint: You can change the nationalities to whoever you want to take the piss out of...

Pete · May 23, 2010

I heard it the other way round. LOL.

Two Kiwis are walking down a street in Sydney.
One of the Kiwis happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
The Kiwi says to his mate, " look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to New Zealund we could make a fortune!
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us, so I'll speak in my best Aussie accent."
They enter the shop and the Kiwi says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my ute and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from New Zealund, aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says the surprised Kiwi. "How the hell did you pick that?"
The shop owner replied, "This is a bloody dry cleaners, mate!

wbmusarra · May 24, 2010

A young father walks into a restaurant with his five year old son..

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, immediately going blue in the face.

The father immediately realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a dark blue business suit is sitting at a coffee b ar reading her newspaper and was sipping on a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly..

After a few seconds of this, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anyone do anything like that before, you were simply fantastic!"

"Are you a doctor ? "

''No,'' the woman replied. " I'm with the Internal Revenue Service .''

slowhand · May 24, 2010

WHY
> ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS
>
>
> 1. Chicago Cubs
> outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
> "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up
>
> to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate
> me."
>
> 2. New Orleans Saint
> RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
> season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500
> yards, whichever comes first."
>
>
> 3. And, upon
> hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run
> over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt
>
> Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run
> over Joe's Mom, too."
>
>
> 4. Torrin
> Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
> coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men.. He
> lets us wear earrings."
>
>
> 5. Football
> commentator and former player Joe Theismann,
> 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a
> genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
> Einstein."
>
> 6. Senior basketball
> player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm
> going to graduate on time, no matter how long it
>
> takes." (now that is beautiful)
>
>
> 7. Bill Peterson, a
> Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
> alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair
> up in groups of three, and then line up in a
> circle."
>
> 8. Boxing promoter Dan
> Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would
> anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went
> to prison for three years, not Princeton
> .."
>
> 9. Stu Grimson,
> Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
>
> keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
>
> "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I
>
> can still find my clothes."
>
>
> 10. Lou
> Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan
> training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
> "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
> morning, regardless of what time it is."
>
>
> 11 Chuck Nevitt ,
> North Carolina State basketball player,
> explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared
>
> nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a
> baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an
> uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever
> hit room temperature in January?)
>
>
> 12. Frank Layden ,
> Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told
>
> him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance
>
> or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I
>
> don't care.'"
>
> 13 Shelby Metcalf,
> basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
> what he told a player who received four F's and
>
> one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending
> too much time on one
> subject."
>
> 14. These are right in
> the ballpark with Mike Tyson's answer to what he
>
> will do when he retires..."I guess I'll just
> fade into Bolivia ."

Garry:thumbsup:

DAZPT · May 24, 2010

Aussie bush etiquette

In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Dining Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise
the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining in Your Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygeine:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN
ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if
you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear
you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cumber-bund and a clean football
jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in
your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the
the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring
back beer too.

Darrell DRB#46
G50 LS1

Pete · May 26, 2010

Some oldies but goodies.

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