guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
Chicken Sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands you dirtyb!*£^h, I want a cheese sandwich!"
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A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the Doctor about the baby. The Doctor replies, "Madam, you had twins. A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your Brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my Brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the Doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the Doctor says. The new Mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name. I guess I was wrong about my Brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the Doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The Doctor replies, "Denephew."
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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Two philosophers sitting in a nudist camp.
One says, "Have you read Marx?"
"Yes," says the other "it must be these wicker chairs."
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys, shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said: "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls
up alongside.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and
you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking
his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The
trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your
load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is
Tony and I'm driving a f**king gritter!"
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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has
been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green
every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, slim, redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, ....
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".