Jokes anyone? -

Keith

Moderator
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump ?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump. "

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying "Fair's fair here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.


Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held & gt; >it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.


'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
 

Peter Delaney

GT40s Supporter
Pete, one for you ...

A TRUE QUEENSLANDER The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New SouthWales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) wereat a national beer conference. They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they wantto drink. The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, 'I'll have a TooheysNew.' The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, 'I'll have a Cascade Draught brewed from pure mountain water.' The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, 'I'll have a Coopers, the Kingof Beers.' The bloke from Carlton says, 'I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanestdraught on the planet.' The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, 'I'llhave a Diet Coke.' The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, 'Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, thenneither will I.'
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
AN Aussie is marooned on a desert island. But he survives as there are plenty of coconuts and fresh water.
Months pass and he sees a ripple about a hundred yards off shore. It keeps getting closer and closer until, at last, a tall blonde in full diving gear appears.

"You poor man”, she says. “How long have you been here?”

He replies that he’s lost all track of time and doesn’t know. What he knows is that he’s dying for a fag.(cigarette)

“No trubs”,(no troubles) she says, unzipping a pocket on the arm of her wetsuit and pulling out a packet of Winnies and a lighter.

Puffing happily, the bloke says he’s in seventh heaven and she asks him if he’d like a beer.

“Would I!” So she unzips the other pocket and pulls out a can of VB.

With a fag in one hand and a beer in the other, the bloke reckons he’s got it made. Then the blonde starts to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

“Having been here all this time,” she says, “I guess you’d like to play around.”

And the bloke says, “How on earth did you fit a set of golf clubs down there?”
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Here is one all the Kiwi's will love.


Carlos Spencer goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just beaten Wales and South Africa in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered".

Carlos looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently,I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Carlos goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the New Zealand team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "New Zealand 7 - Australia 0 (Spencer - 10 minutes - Converted Try)".

He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, the telly goes off and a Few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Carlos got on". They put the telly back on.

"Result from the Stadium: New Zealand 7 (Spencer 10 minutes) - Australia 7(Sailor 79 minutes)".

They can't believe it, Carlos has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down." says Carlos.

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they Only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team.

"No, No, I have" says Spencer, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
 


Subject: The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:


The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff, Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure'? The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent. Semper Fi.

 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
 

Peter Delaney

GT40s Supporter
Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near an old petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."
 
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm




not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,




with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars




that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket



on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains




mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,



so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into




a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could




come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'





 
While walking through Golden GatePark in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"







"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.



"You've gotta be kiddin' me."



"No, would you like to give it a try?"







Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.







Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"







He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.







When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the meal, his
mother couldn't help but notice how attractive Paul's flatmate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only
made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Jenny & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Jenny came to Paul saying, "Ever since your Mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she
took it do you?"



"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. So he sat
down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT, IT
HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL



Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH JENNY, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU
"DO NOT" SLEEP WITH JENNY, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN
HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Accurate Tool Descriptions
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your pop across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and plastic parts.
 
The New Supermarket:

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with
onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
cookies.

Needless to say, I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
 
The New Supermarket:

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with
onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
cookies.

Needless to say, I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Bet you have stopped picking your nose as well!! :)
 
Way back when I was in high school, due to an odd chance of birth days and chance, I had an uncle who was a senior at the same school in which I was a junior. We'd been brought up more like brothers. Dated some of the same girls, drank together, did the double date deal, and pulled pranks on each other. I forgot what I did to deserve this long ago, but I'll never forget how he paid me back.

At the time, the legal drinking age was eighteen. We went out to test my new "ID", which back then was a lot easier to obtain than now, and sure 'nuff, all went without a hitch. We didn't sneak into any ol' dive, but rather a pretty nice and popular dinner club in the city. We didn't know any one there and decided while we ate our dinner that our best shot was with a couple of cuties who appeared to be sisters out with their parents. They were sitting in a booth not far from us and "Uncle Don" says to watch this as he puts the razzle-dazzle on Mom and Pops. I'm thinking to myself, "Well, if any body can, Donnie's got 'the stuff'".

Whatayaknow, a couple minutes later he's waving me over to come join them. So I go on over and introduce myself, trying to be just as cool as Don without blowing it and I guess I did OK for a seventeen year old because next thing I know we're all laughing and joking like we've known each other for years. Now all this time Donnie and I have been sitting at the end of the booth in a couple of unused chairs we drug over from a nearby table. Mom and Pops allow that it's getting pretty near their bedtime and Don and I say our goodbyes just as the little house band is tuning up. The girls say they're not ready to go and could we give them a ride if it's OK with Daddy. SURE! No problem with us and surprisingly the patriarc gives the go ahead "since we seem to be such nice clean cut young men." Yeah, this was in 1973 and there weren't a lot like us in those days.

Any way, Mom and Pops get up and leave and Don and I put the chairs back and slide into the booth next to the girls. We're having drinks and conversation and just sharing a wonderful time listening to this band that wasn't a bad little rock and roll combo when smooth ol' Donnie asked the girl on his side of the booth to dance. Sherry, her name was, and Carrie, her sister, was on my side of the booth. We watch them dance a while and comment on how good those two look out there and I finally get my courage up and ask Carrie if she would like to dance. She said that she would love to, but it just wasn't possible, and I, being young and naive just had to ask why so. It was then that tears started down her cheeks and she moved the table cloth back to reveal the fact that both her legs ended just about where the top of her knees should have been, and pointed to a wheel chair in the nearby corner and said that it belonged to her.

Well, that wasn't any thing to ruin my or her evening over so we just sat there and talked and she told me about the terrible car accident she had been in that took her legs. Kinda creepy but she was cute and nice and I figured she probably didn't get many dates and it was just one more night for me. Tomorrow would be another day and I'd feel good about myself for doing the right thing. Well, kinda. I kinda wanted out of there, too, just as soon as I could talk to Donnie. Alone.

Well, sister Sherry must've told him what was up during one of those slow dances because when I finally excused myself to the rest room after seeing him disappear behind that door and got in right behind him he was laughing, well, I'll just say uncontrollably. I went from being slightly panicky to pretty dang humiliated and we almost came to blows for the first time ever. After some harsh words I determined that we had come in his car and being forty miles from home I was at his mercy. I have wished thousands of times that he would have had some mercy to give because that SOB had me and he knew it.

All the way up to closing time Carrie and I just talked and got more than a little drunk while good ol' Uncle Don took his sweet time and got pretty darn intimate with big sister. When the bartender hollered last call, it was a major temptation to run over there and kiss him right on the mouth! Finally! I'm getting out of here. I get Carrie's chair, wheel it around and she climbs in and I'm hoping my emotions aren't showing too much. We get outside, she climbs into the backseat of Don's 57 chevy four door, Don and I put the chair in the trunk. He gets in and I get in the back and I didn't even hear the door close because I'm being physically attacked! Now, I really don't want to hurt the girl's feelings and I'm not totally creeped out, but just right there on the verge of it.

We get to the girls' house and I'm thinking I'm finally home free when Carrie, wheeling up to the house, takes a left turn around the side of the house and beckons me to follow. I look back at the car and notice Don and his girl never left the safety of the vehicle. I look back to where I'm going and in the back yard is a giant old oak tree with huge limbs in every direction, some of them sweeping the ground. Under one of them is Carrie in her chair and she's shucking off her clothes faster than a professional Kansas corn husker can peel an ear of corn. I figure, "What the heck? Don's up front in the car and he'll never know." The big surprise to me was she wanted me to lift her up under this part of a limb that's hanging about head high to me, and when I do she grabs hold of that limb with her hands and grabs hold of me with her stubs, and it's off to the rodeo!

Some where about half-way through the second go-round the whole back yard is lit up when the back porch light comes on. Well, that put an immediate halt on all that action! Her father says in a kind of seething voice for us to get decent and get in the house right now! Both of us, totally humiliated, say, "Yessir!"

I had only thought I was feeling uneasy to this point. Now, my whole world is quivering around me from the ground up, and my knees almost buckle on me pulling that wheel chair and Carrie up those back porch steps. I'm thinking seventeen is mighty young to die and it wasn't even my idea at all. As we came through the door, there the old man sits, smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee. He is not smiling when he tells Carrie to get her butt in bed and tells me he wants to have a man to man talk. I don't see any guns but I'm still plenty, plenty nervous when I sit down across the table from him.

He says, "Son, I'm not angry at you for what I just saw out there. Ever since Carrie was in that goddamn car wreck, all our lives have been turned upside down. It isn't an easy thing to deal with, to see one of your little girls grow up so pretty and full of life. Then to see that fire just go out through months and months of rehab until finally after all that the fire gets lit once again and I'm dealing with a teenager that's trying too hard to make up all that time she lost. And you know, Son, there's not too many young men coming over asking her to go out since that accident as you can imagine. I just want to thank you for being a really nice young man and showing my little girl a good time. There's just not enough good young men like you around, Son. The last three little bastards she got hooked up with just ran away and left her hanging there naked in that goddamn tree.
 
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