Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 99.4%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="99%"><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="100%"><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="100%">THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING​

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[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there," and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.


It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."




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[Bill Musarra]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-*
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the #### and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...






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F##k - I could win this!'


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[Brian Kissel]

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few
at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he
sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and realizes almost too late that there is
yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and
discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course,
causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings
his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks
him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer
stops him mid-sentence and says, "Fer Chris-sakes, Paddy, that's
yer air freshener!"

 

[Bill Musarra]

VICTORIA'S SECRET

*A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- The more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon

Closed coffin.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

"Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I
ease my car over to the shoulder of the road,
carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I
took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them
at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They
look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in
trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private
parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise,
cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is
tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind
me.He gets out of his car and starts walking towards
me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! ''What's
going on here?' 'My car has a flat tire,' I said
calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men
doing here by the road? 'I couldn't believe that he
didn't know.

So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency
flashers!'

 

[Bill Musarra]

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still
alive', Barrack Hussein Obama has now been telling everyone he will
capture Osama Bin Laden when elected.
So, Osama himself decided to send Barrack Hussein Obama a letter in
his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H

Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean. Dean and the DNC
and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden. Joe
Biden could not solve it, so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA.
Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to look at it.
And within a minutes McCain's Staff e-mailed Obama with this reply:
'Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down'.

 

[Jay V]

VICTORIA'S SECRET before the gun incident earlier ^....

The wife was feeling a little lonely and unloved by her husband. You see, he was only interested in the footy game (<---for Pete's sake) on TV and not in her.
So, the wife was thinking that a trip to Victoria's Secret to pick up a nice sexy red see thru teddy with all the lace and the matching crotchless panties would spice up the lacking sex life with her husband.

She arrives home with anticipation, heads upstairs and changes into the teddy and panties. She comes down the stairs, then in her most suggestive, sultry walk comes over to her husband. He doesn't even notice her standing there. So she puts one leg up on the coffee table in front of him showing him the crotchless panties and says, want some of this, big boy?

The husband slowly looks up from the footy game and says, God no, do you see what it did to your panties??

 

[Craig Gillingham]

when youve had a bad day and things that sort of shouldnt be funny end up funny out of pure stress and then go from bad to worse...

like the time when on my way home after a stressful day i smashed into the back of a car and got out at my wits end and went up to exchange insurance details and a 4ft dwarf jumped out having a right go....deservedly so......

"what the fook are you playing at he said.....i am not happy......"

out of extreme stress i said "well if your not happy which one are you...."

and thats when things went from bad to worse....

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

when youve had a bad day and things that sort of shouldnt be funny end up funny out of pure stress and then go from bad to worse...

like the time when on my way home after a stressful day i smashed into the back of a car and got out at my wits end and went up to exchange insurance details and a 4ft dwarf jumped out having a right go....deservedly so......

"what the fook are you playing at he said.....i am not happy......"

out of extreme stress i said "well if your not happy which one are you...."

and thats when things went from bad to worse....

I bet he turned Grumpy:thumbsup:

 

[Bill Musarra]

Merry Christmas

And sock it to the holidays


YouTube - Sock It To The Holidays!
​

 

Toooooo bad, it was a miss!! Perfect "good bye " for a ASS

YouTube - Bush Dodges Shoes Thrown by Iraqi Journalist

 

[Keith]

I have to say it was a most suitable and quite subtle double insult and the guy should be applauded. After all, it could have been a gun, knife or bomb.

Fair play...

Tin hat time....:uneasy:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Here you are, you can have a go yourself. Sock and Awe!.

 

[Brian Hamilton]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...


"Hi, my name is John, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

 

[Brian Hamilton]

Auto Air Conditioners

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show...


Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know...

 

[Jay V]

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Irish whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[RichardH]

The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle..

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by
her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the little girl said.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar
instead of its' testicles, I think it could run faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully,

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

[Jay V]

truth in advertising?