Jokes anyone? -

[wanni]

Biancaneve ed i sette nani
1° c'è qualcuno in casa
2° stà dormendo
3° è una donna
4° si stà alzando
5° anche il mio
6° anche il mio
7° anche il mio

 

[Peter Delaney]

Something lost in Google's translation :

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
1 in someone's house
2nd stà asleep
3rd is a woman
4th is raising stà
5th also my
6th also my
7th also my​

 

[Bill Musarra]

A woman went to her doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You
have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer..

Let's head to the club and have a martini. 'After 3 or 4 martinis, the two
were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been
diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?' 'Because I don't want
any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in Order.'

 

[Brian Hamilton]

Best Christmas Cookie Recipe EVER!!


Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 (750 ml) bottle tequila (Jose Cuervo or your other favorite brand)


Directions:

1. Sample the tequila to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup tequila and drink.
4. Turn on the electric mixer.
5. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one peastoon of sugar.
7. Beat again.
8. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is not flat, so take a sample
9. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
10. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
12. Mix on the turner
13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Test the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
15. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
16. Who geeves a sheet.
17. Add one table.
18. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
19. Whatever you can find.
20. Greash the oven.
21. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
22. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
23. Finally, throw the bowl through the window and finish the quetila
24, Turn out the lights and call the cops.
25. Cherry Mistmas!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Santa is going to be really pissed off with Sarah.:stunned:

 

[WEGENER Engineering]

Santa is going to be really pissed off with Sarah.:stunned:

Maybe - but I personally like a woman who can handle a gun.......

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Maybe - but I personally like a woman who can handle a gun.......

Me too, and that one looks as if she could really handle one!

 

[Al Jones]

From Failblog:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?


*Santa picks it up. The other two don't exist!

 

[Scott Calabro]

My Christmas wish.....

YouTube - The Christmas Sniper

 

[WEGENER Engineering]

Scott
I have not laughed so much all year. Thank you for this link.
Somehow I never thought that I would see the words christmas and sniper together....
I'm watch it again right now.
Mike

 

[David Morton]

For those with daughters???

Christmas Balloon Dance

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Merry Christmas.

 

[Ron Earp]

Nice one!

Happy Holidays to all on the forum, long live this thread!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

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SYMPTOM <o></o>

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FAULT <o></o>

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ACTION <o></o>

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Feet cold and wet. <o></o>

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Glass being held at incorrect angle. <o></o>

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Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. <o></o>

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Feet warm and wet. <o></o>

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Improper bladder control. <o></o>

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Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. <o></o>

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Drink unusually pale and tasteless.<o></o>

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Glass empty. <o></o>

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Get someone to buy you another drink. <o></o>

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Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. <o></o>

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You have fallen over backward. <o></o>

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Have yourself lashed to bar. <o></o>

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Mouth contains cigarette butts. <o></o>

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You have fallen forward. <o></o>

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See above. <o></o>

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Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. <o></o>

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Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. <o></o>

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Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. <o></o>

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Floor blurred. <o></o>

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You are looking through bottom of empty glass. <o></o>

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Get someone to buy you another drink. <o></o>

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Floor moving. <o></o>

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You are being carried out. <o></o>

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Find out if you are being taken to another bar. <o></o>

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Room seems unusually dark. <o></o>

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Bar has closed. <o></o>

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Confirm home address with bartender. <o></o>

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Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. <o></o>

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Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. <o></o>

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Cover mouth. <o></o>

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Everyone looks up to you and smiles.<o></o>

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You are dancing on the table. <o></o>

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Fall on somebody cushy-looking. <o></o>

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Drink is crystal-clear. <o></o>

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It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. <o></o>

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Punch him. <o></o>

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Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. <o></o>

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You have been in a fight. <o></o>

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Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. <o></o>

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Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. <o></o>

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You've wandered into the wrong party. <o></o>

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See if they have free alcohol. <o></o>

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Your singing sounds distorted. <o></o>

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The drink is too weak. <o></o>

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Have more alcohol until your voice improves. <o></o>

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Don't remember the words to the song. <o></o>

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Drink is just right. <o></o>

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Play air guitar. <o></o>​

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[David Morton]

YouTube - Eddie Izzard- Death Star Canteen

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<HR style="COLOR: #666666; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #666666" SIZE=1> <!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!' WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR
MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH
THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30 -ODD YEARS
AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY
TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I
ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.THEN, THAT

UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT-ASS,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

SON-OF-A-*****

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

 

[Jay V]

Where did they put the rest of him??

 

[WEGENER Engineering]

Apparently, Honesty is not always the best Policy. .

 

[Jay V]

WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???

Try it without looking at answers
1) Pick your Favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, and then multiply again by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
5) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down..............










Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:




1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Charles Manson
4. Tom Cruise
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Adolf Hitler
9. Aussie Pete
...unless you love sheep then its Jac
10. Barack Obama

I know....they just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like Pete or Jac....
Believe it!

PS.
stop picking different numbers. Pete/Jac is your idol, just deal with it!!!!