Jokes anyone? -

[Bill Musarra]

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.


I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.


I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.


As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd" to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.


As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph! I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

[Graeme Stebbing]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured


By an enemy Indian War Party.






The Indian Chief proclaims,


"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...





"In honor of the Harvest Festival,


YOU will be executed in three days."


"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"




"What is your FIRST request???'




The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.


Later that evening, Silver returns with
A beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
The blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
And spends the night.


The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",



"But I will still kill you in two days."


"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
To his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.


As before, Silver takes off and disappears
Over the horizon.


Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,


Silver again returns, this time with a
Voluptuous brunette, more attractive
Than the blonde.



She enters the Lone Rangers tent
And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
Is again impressed..
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request???"
The Lone Ranger responds,


"I'd like to speak to my horse..... ALONE."


The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
And Silver is brought to
The Lone Ranger's tent..
Once they're alone,
The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
I SAID ...
"BRING POSSE"

 

[Duncan Potter]

> Subject: Do your chores

"Have you finished your
chores?", the mother asks.
> "Not yet," answers her
> son. His mother tells
> him no breakfast until he does his chores.
>
> Well, he's a little ticked
> off, so when he feeds the chickens he kicks a chicken. When he feeds
> the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
> Then he goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of
> dry cereal.
>
>
> "How come I don't get any
> eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?", he
> asks.
>
>
>
> "Well," his mother
> say's, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a
> week. Then I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week
> either. I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week you aren't getting
> any milk."
>
>
>
>
> Just then, his father comes down
> for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
>
>
>
> The son looks at his mother with a
> smile, and says...
>
>
> "You gonna tell him or should I?"
>

 

[Keith]

Dealing with Pandemics. Lesson 1

(Warning. Strong Language Alert!)

AND

 

[Garry]

The Best Surgeon

Three Californian
surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in California . In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost several fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I
reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass.
I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House!!

Garry

 

[David Morton]

That's how the fight started:


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



My wife walked into the den & asked, "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and says to her husband,
" I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment. "

The husband replies, " Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's how the fight started.....





My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, " I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a silver bathroom scale.

And that's how the fight started.....





I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time," she said.

So I asked, " How about the kitchen?"

And that's how the fight started.....





My wife and I were watching " Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Would you like to make love?'

"No," she answered.

I then said, " Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply said 'Yes.'

So I said, " Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started.....



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella for £14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.


I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And that's how the fight started.....




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. I said, "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, " Aren't you worried about the mad cow? "

I replied, "Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....

 

[Peter Delaney]

A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.'

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.'

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

 

[David Morton]

Many a true word spoken in jest. Very good Peter.

 

[Jay V]

Moms In Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, April, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mom, Jenny: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mom, Erica: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy..'

At this point, the fourth mother, Emily, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner.

 

[Garry]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:


Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

Garry

 

[Jay V]

Holistic Medicine

Ahkmed came to the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1:country-region>United States from the <st1lace w:st="on">Middle East</st1lace>, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>





<o></o>





The doctor said .... You were homesick.<o></o>

 

[Keith]

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant . Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned .

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table . Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared .

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table . "

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't . He just walked in the door.

 

[Aaron L.]

This thread has gotten way too wacky lately. I will pirate this thread with a post that will actually be of use to people in this day and age.

Do You Have Swine Flu?


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[Garry]

Talking USMC Dog!
A guy was driving around the back woods of <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

Tennessee</st1:State> and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for <st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Sale</st1lace></st1:City>'
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<st1lace w:st="on">United States</st1lace></st1:country-region> Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'</B>
<o></o>
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
<o></o>
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some eavesdropping on suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
<o></o>
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. <o></o>
'Ten dollars,' the guy says. <o></o>
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
<o></o>
'Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit.
He was in the Navy!' <o></o>
<o>Garry</o>

 

[Garry]

Laws that fit:
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Garry

 

[Keith]

This thread has gotten way too wacky lately. I will pirate this thread with a post that will actually be of use to people in this day and age.

Do You Have Swine Flu?


<SCRIPT type=text/javascript src="http://shots.snap.com//client/inject.js?site_name=0"></SCRIPT>

I'm so glad you brought that subject up....

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....


2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic Devastates parts
of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of
pigs (and humans) around the globe.


Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It gets worse........


next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong???????

 

[Ian Anderson]

Made me laugh

Serious proven performance turbo tuning carrot on stick on eBay, also, Performance Tuning Parts, Car Tuning Styling, Cars, Parts Vehicles (end time 12-May-09 22:13:20 BST)


Ian

 

[Aaron L.]

for those of you who've had a bad day

YouTube - when love sucks
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[Mike Inglis]

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been)

I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side laying in wait with a radar gun

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked:

Runway too short, Sir?

To which I replied, I'm late for work.

To which he asked,

What do you do?

I'm a rectum stretcher, I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused.

And what is a rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?

Well, I said, 'I start by inserting one finger,

Then I work my way up to two fingers,

Then three, then four, then with my whole hand in

Then I work side to side until I can get both hands in

Then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet.

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously,

And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?

To which I politely replied,

You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless

 

[Bill Musarra]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet..

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.... The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'