Jokes anyone? -

Veek · Jun 10, 2015

This is something to which I can really relate:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxKeCmTCDV4

molleur · Jun 10, 2015

That was great Pat!

Keith1 · Jun 17, 2015

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

gtbob · Jun 17, 2015

100 MPH GOAT

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.I wonder how deep it is!"The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there,Listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission overThere. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it In the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge,When they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat Come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in head first.While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering Into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up."Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert Miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a Transmission."

Ron Poast · Jun 24, 2015

The Government robs Peter to pay Paul---

and ends up with a sore Peter.

MikeP · Jun 24, 2015

I was always relieved and glad that my father died quietly in his sleep - unlike his passengers who all died screaming.
Cheers
Mike

David Lowe · Jun 24, 2015

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this unnecessary security rubbish, I did just as she instructed.

After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

molleur · Jun 26, 2015

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on. (you know what I mean).

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

owlwrithing · Jun 27, 2015

The posts here have really made my day lol

Keith1 · Jul 1, 2015

A Scot and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck... I'll treat her!"

So,he grabbed her hand turned around & they walked past it again...
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</td> </tr> </tbody></table>

molleur · Jul 1, 2015

Perfect!

Pete · Jul 5, 2015

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill 's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day..

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Pete · Jul 6, 2015

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats. Its doing well. Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Pete · Jul 6, 2015

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats. Its doing well. Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Charlie Farley · Jul 6, 2015

Peter,

They were funnier the first time..:laugh:

kaspa · Jul 6, 2015

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

hey Pete so you've met my ex then lol.

kaspa

Pete · Jul 6, 2015

Charlie Farley said:
Peter,

They were funnier the first time..:laugh:

Sure they were, but nothing wrong with a re-run.

Pete · Jul 6, 2015

kaspa said:
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

hey Pete so you've met my ex then lol.

kaspa

They are all sisters, just live in different houses.

molleur · Jul 7, 2015

You just can't trust a squirrel, for WOGGS!

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery, and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Pete · Jul 8, 2015

Last week Julie checked into a motel on her 55th birthday and as she was a bit lonely thought she would call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Alex -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, Ma'am. How may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait -- I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements - toys, rubber, leather, whips - everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night.
Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream - anything and everything, I'm ready!!

Now. How does that sound?"

He said:" That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Jokes anyone? -

Pat

Jack

Keith

Robert May Eng.

Ron Poast

Mike Pass

David Lowe

Jack

mike

CURRENTLY BANNED

Keith

Jack

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Charlie Farley

John

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Jack

Pete McCluskey.

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