Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
My ex Jaguar did three incessantly to the point that lost heaps of $$$$ just to get rid of the bloody thing.
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Scientists found that many women develop " Hoover 's Disease" after years of marriage.
They make a continuous whining noise and don't suck anymore.
They make a continuous whining noise and don't suck anymore.
Pat
Supporter
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing, "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...".
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Chet's tune changed to, "Silent Night, Holy Night ..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop owner and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When his wife saw her gift, she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" she exclaimed. "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop owner had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...". The man moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night, Holy Night ..."
His wife, her face filled with curiosity, asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life,
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
"How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing, "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...".
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Chet's tune changed to, "Silent Night, Holy Night ..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop owner and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When his wife saw her gift, she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" she exclaimed. "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop owner had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...". The man moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night, Holy Night ..."
His wife, her face filled with curiosity, asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life,
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Paddy phones an ambulance because Micks been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ..'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
Silence and a minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until ................
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ...'
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ..'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
Silence and a minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until ................
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ...'
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her d au ghter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
'Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Great thinking Nick, now where will the Wake be held?
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Shower Sex
In a recent survey requested by President Obama, African- Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African Americans, said that they have had sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it!
In a recent survey requested by President Obama, African- Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African Americans, said that they have had sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."
Touche
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."
Touche
On a similar note, I bought the wife a new bag and belt for Valentines day.
The hoover works perfectly now.
This is a stupid story but it is quite illuminating tending to illustrate the workings of the human mind to a degree. I also hope Carlos enjoys the story... 
On a bleak lonely moor in wintertime a car breaks down with a puncture. The driver is miles from anywhere and realises to his horror that he has got a spare tyre but not a jack.
Being before mobile phones were invented, at dead of night in the winter with a storm blowing his chances of rescue are slim to none, but in the distance across the moor, he sees the twinkling light of a distant dwelling. Believing it to be an isolated farm, the driver sets off across the moor towards the distant light.
The rain is driving down and sluicing in ice cold trickles down his neck, his feet are soon numb with the cold and he has lost all feeling in his hands.
He is not happy. As he trudged on towards the light, he thinks to himself...
"What on earth is the farmer going to think, me banging on the door at this time of night?" Trudge trudge trudge etc... "I suppose he will have a jack, won't he??" Trudge trudge stumble fall, trudge.
"Of course he's got a jack - he's a farmer!"
Trudge trudge slip slide trudge..
"I mean farmers ARE friendly aren't they?"
Trudge trudge,
" Well, if they're not, they bloody well ought to be!"
Trudge stumble...
"What if he won't lend me a jack though?"
Wading through bog...
" I mean surely he couldn't refuse me, could he?"
Trudge
"What kind of bastard would refuse to lend me a jack in these conditions?"
Trudge trudge
"Ha! It would take a real asshole that's what! He wouldn't DARE!"
He approaches the light his stride has quickened with his temper - he knocks, nay bangs heavily on the door...
A window upstairs opens and a figure leans out: "What do you want?"
Our intrepid driver replies:
"And you can shove your fucking jack right up your arse - you mean bastard!"
On a bleak lonely moor in wintertime a car breaks down with a puncture. The driver is miles from anywhere and realises to his horror that he has got a spare tyre but not a jack.
Being before mobile phones were invented, at dead of night in the winter with a storm blowing his chances of rescue are slim to none, but in the distance across the moor, he sees the twinkling light of a distant dwelling. Believing it to be an isolated farm, the driver sets off across the moor towards the distant light.
The rain is driving down and sluicing in ice cold trickles down his neck, his feet are soon numb with the cold and he has lost all feeling in his hands.
He is not happy. As he trudged on towards the light, he thinks to himself...
"What on earth is the farmer going to think, me banging on the door at this time of night?" Trudge trudge trudge etc... "I suppose he will have a jack, won't he??" Trudge trudge stumble fall, trudge.
"Of course he's got a jack - he's a farmer!"
Trudge trudge slip slide trudge..
"I mean farmers ARE friendly aren't they?"
Trudge trudge,
" Well, if they're not, they bloody well ought to be!"
Trudge stumble...
"What if he won't lend me a jack though?"
Wading through bog...
" I mean surely he couldn't refuse me, could he?"
Trudge
"What kind of bastard would refuse to lend me a jack in these conditions?"
Trudge trudge
"Ha! It would take a real asshole that's what! He wouldn't DARE!"
He approaches the light his stride has quickened with his temper - he knocks, nay bangs heavily on the door...
A window upstairs opens and a figure leans out: "What do you want?"
Our intrepid driver replies:
"And you can shove your fucking jack right up your arse - you mean bastard!"
<table style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" class="yiv1193001969ecxMsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr style=""> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
</td></tr></tbody></table>
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
BOOM BOOM:lol::lol::lol:
Bugger turned the page on me. See Nicks joke on previous page.
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my Fault Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . . . . . ..
I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.
...................................................................................................................
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
Bugger turned the page on me. See Nicks joke on previous page.
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my Fault Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . . . . . ..
I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.
...................................................................................................................
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
Last edited: