Jokes anyone? -

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives (!?!), read on....
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6 The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
______________
Cheers, Roel
Stupidity is doing the something again and again and expecting a different result.....
 
Just got home and found all my doors and windows wide open and everything gone......What kind of sick barsteward does that to someone's Advent Calendar
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Scientists found that many women develop " Hoover 's Disease" after years of marriage.
They make a continuous whining noise and don't suck anymore.
 

Pat

Supporter
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing, "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...".

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Chet's tune changed to, "Silent Night, Holy Night ..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop owner and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When his wife saw her gift, she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" she exclaimed. "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop owner had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...". The man moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night, Holy Night ..."

His wife, her face filled with curiosity, asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life,

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
Paddy phones an ambulance because Micks been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ..'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Silence and a minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until ................

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ...'
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her d au ghter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
 
I just came across this again , and it always makes me laugh !
 

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My wife's not not done a stroke of work since the snow started, lazy mare.
She just stands there staring through the window, and it's driving me mad!
If this bloody snow doesn't stop soon I'm going to have to let her in.
 
My wife has just got back from the doctors. She has been fed up and tired for some time. Apparently she has “iron deficiency”. Well that’s her Christmas present sorted…….!
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Shower Sex

In a recent survey requested by President Obama, African- Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African Americans, said that they have had sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.


Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it!
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."


Touche
 
My wife has just got back from the doctors. She has been fed up and tired for some time. Apparently she has “iron deficiency”. Well that’s her Christmas present sorted…….!

On a similar note, I bought the wife a new bag and belt for Valentines day.

The hoover works perfectly now.
 

Keith

Moderator
This is a stupid story but it is quite illuminating tending to illustrate the workings of the human mind to a degree. I also hope Carlos enjoys the story... :)

On a bleak lonely moor in wintertime a car breaks down with a puncture. The driver is miles from anywhere and realises to his horror that he has got a spare tyre but not a jack.

Being before mobile phones were invented, at dead of night in the winter with a storm blowing his chances of rescue are slim to none, but in the distance across the moor, he sees the twinkling light of a distant dwelling. Believing it to be an isolated farm, the driver sets off across the moor towards the distant light.

The rain is driving down and sluicing in ice cold trickles down his neck, his feet are soon numb with the cold and he has lost all feeling in his hands.

He is not happy. As he trudged on towards the light, he thinks to himself...

"What on earth is the farmer going to think, me banging on the door at this time of night?" Trudge trudge trudge etc... "I suppose he will have a jack, won't he??" Trudge trudge stumble fall, trudge.

"Of course he's got a jack - he's a farmer!"

Trudge trudge slip slide trudge..

"I mean farmers ARE friendly aren't they?"

Trudge trudge,

" Well, if they're not, they bloody well ought to be!"

Trudge stumble...

"What if he won't lend me a jack though?"

Wading through bog...

" I mean surely he couldn't refuse me, could he?"

Trudge

"What kind of bastard would refuse to lend me a jack in these conditions?"

Trudge trudge

"Ha! It would take a real asshole that's what! He wouldn't DARE!"

He approaches the light his stride has quickened with his temper - he knocks, nay bangs heavily on the door...

A window upstairs opens and a figure leans out: "What do you want?"

Our intrepid driver replies:

"And you can shove your fucking jack right up your arse - you mean bastard!"
 


<table style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" class="yiv1193001969ecxMsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr style=""> <td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.


If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

</td></tr></tbody></table>
 
A group of genetic engineers have been working on a new concept called "smart" vegtables. They have managed to develope a vegtable that can read your mind, and then logon to the internet and discuss your thoughts. They are calling it Wikileeks
 
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