Jokes anyone? -

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:
"I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints
of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistanni blood"

John screams "What the f*ck is the good news then?"


"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"











It is hardly worth the effort to try to be a responsible citizen these days.

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the River on Wednesday morning and being a
responsible citizen, I informed the local emergency services.



It is now 7pm on Friday and they still haven't responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted a stamp.
 

Pat

Supporter
Top Ten TSA (USA Airport Security) Marketing Slogans

In order to address the current public relations issues related to the new "enhanced" airport screening measures in the USA, the Transportation Security Administration is seeking a new marketing campaign to raise public awareness of the procedures.

So far, here are the Top TSA Slogans:

Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

Grope discounts available.

If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

Throw a few back at the airport Chili's and you won't even notice.

Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

We are now free to move about your pants.

We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

The "New" TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

You were a virgin.

We handle more packages than the USPS
 
Re: Top Ten TSA (USA Airport Security) Marketing Slogans

In order to address the current public relations issues related to the new "enhanced" airport screening measures in the USA, the Transportation Security Administration is seeking a new marketing campaign to raise public awareness of the procedures.

So far, here are the Top TSA Slogans:

Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

Grope discounts available.

If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

Throw a few back at the airport Chili's and you won't even notice.

Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

We are now free to move about your pants.

We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

The "New" TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

You were a virgin.

We handle more packages than the USPS

Brings new meaning to "Fly the friendly skies." :laugh:
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter
and gave one to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked,




' I'll thuffocate'
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
The Age Gap

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she
and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her
new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night
together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and
there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's
Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny
consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his
bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more
'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here
already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS.. Have I sent this to you already??
 
You gotta love the british sense of humour....
 

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A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.


The teacher then says, Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.


Teacher then says, Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
 
A chicken and egg are in bed together. The chicken is lying back, smiling and smoking a cigarette, the egg is sitting up and scowling. And that answers that question!
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
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A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
And began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No,tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What'swrong with your knees?They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked..

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...

. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
P><P><B>Smallcox
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Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
The International Council of Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his
friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you
actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must
celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of
the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap
her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as
a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical
beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in
the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports
watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober
enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's
just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of
beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's
withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating,
both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken
monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail
each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the
difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed
below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying
somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and
beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to
say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,​
The International Council of Man Laws
 
TSA caused me to miss my flight .

As there were no scanners in the local airport , I had to get the pat down .
Up side , the TSA agent was a very cute young lady .
The line was moving pretty slow , and on my third time through , I heard the last call for my flight !
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
CentreLink 'Service'!

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to 'Service' his cows.

Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
I'm sure exceptions are granted for Gulf colors!

Absolutely! Happy birthday.

This is an oldie but a goodie.


1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

à ÇáãÓÌá ÊÈíÚ Íãæáå ÔÇÍäÉ ãä ÇáÎÔÈ ãä ÇÌá 100 ÏæáÇÑ. ÕÇÍÈ ÊßáÝÉ
> ÇáÇäÊÇÌ 80 ãä
> ÇáËãä. ãÇ åæ ÇáÑÈÍ áå¿= 20
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Sex and Good English Grammar!

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle
 
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