Jokes anyone? -

David Lowe

Lifetime Supporter
Subject: Management Course






Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"






The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."





The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.







The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..






That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.











The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."








The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"




The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."





The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.






The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."







The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.






The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"





The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.





Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.






The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...







...silver, topaz, and amethyst.







Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."











The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....

















... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.







DON'T YELL AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!
But I bet you send it on.
 

flatchat(Chris)

Supporter
Monica Lewinsky turns 50! -- can you believe it? seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they.
 

Keith

Moderator
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.












At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men
took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
The missus left a note on the fridge saying
"its no good, it"s not working.. I', going to stay at my mums for a while."

I opened it up.. the light came on and the beer was cold.....
christ only knows what she was on about?
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.


Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.


At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'


He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.


Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.


Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'



THERE'S MORE. ..




Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.


He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..


'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.


He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.


Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.


Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.


Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'




IT IS NOT OVER YET...




Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.


He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.


Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.


'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Ten Best Caddy Responses .

Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . .. You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
 

Keith

Moderator
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey honey, This looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that."
 

Keith

Moderator
Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first, and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he’d just scored his first ever hole-in-one, when his mobile rang. It was their family doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident, and was in a critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to tell his wife that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realised he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital, but ended up playing all 18.

Finishing his round with a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best by more than 10, he was jubilant.


Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital, and seeing the doctor in the corridor asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and said, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out playing for the past four hours, enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been critical in the ICU!


It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round, because it will more than likely be your last. For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and not to mention the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed. The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead...... what'd you shoot?"

 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up:

'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said:
'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice:
"Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we're fu%*ed!”

Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.”
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.



"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.



"German," she replies.



"Occupation?"



"No, just here for a few days."
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.


PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.

My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

Remembering your age ..... I have sent this in large print.
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, Dad,' my son said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

.............................................................................................................................Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello.'
I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down
with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said,
'Hello'
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me'
I said,
'Make me.'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'
I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .....
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work
 
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