Jokes anyone? -

Keith1 · Aug 16, 2012

Crikey Pete...that's a long 'un, I'm gonna have to balance that out with this:

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w

unctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w

oNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w

ontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w

ontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w

ontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w

ontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> A Bloke's wife screamed at him: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So the bloke turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

jimbo · Aug 16, 2012

Hey Keith; Why do Jewish men die before their wives do?

Because they want to.......

jimbo · Aug 16, 2012

Pete, you are a fucking genius. Seriously. I am in awe of an intellect like that. No kidding. You are a fucking genius.

Frank3 · Aug 16, 2012

Pete , I had a hard time reading that !
I was having convulsions , my vision kept going blurry , as my eyes teared , and I couldn't catch my breath .
That was great .. Thanks Asshole !

Veek · Aug 17, 2012

BBC NEWS
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General
Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

Pete · Aug 18, 2012

Gold:lol::lol::lol::lol::thumbsup: Haisheet Mapants. Boom boom.

Jeremy · Aug 19, 2012

At a bar ...

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:

"Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:

"No kidding, I'm in banking too! Which one are you with?"

Mark Pickford · Aug 19, 2012

Stop it! Stop it now!!

I will not have any more of this blatant frivolity in the paddock. The time has come to close this thread down!

Liberals and conservatives both agree, that merriment is a waste of resources. We simply must leave people with enough humour left over to cope with the political landscape thrust upon them!

IanAnderson · Aug 21, 2012

I saw a documentary on how ships are put together - riveting !

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet - I don't know Y !

Last night, me and the wife watched three DVD's back-to-back - luckily, I was the one facing the TV

I was raised as an only child, which really p*ssed my sister off !

You know who really gives kids a bad name ? Posh and Becks - Harper Seven, Brooklyn, Cruz, Romeo..............

Ypu know you're working class when you TV's back is bigger than your book case!

jimbo · Aug 21, 2012

Yes, and I'm saving it for the woman I love. My wife isn't too happy about that, though.

Pete · Sep 2, 2012

The Difference Between Airplanes And Women

1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3. Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4. Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12. Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13. Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Pete · Sep 3, 2012

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer. Throw in your washing.

We were all having a good old laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said
''I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits''.
I said '' Sorry mate did he drown?''

No he said '' he choked on a sock ''

Nick Brough · Sep 4, 2012

The joys of an automatic gearbox

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QshwkF69IUY]This is sooooooooooo FUNNY! - The joys of automatic gearboxes! - YouTube[/ame]

Charlie Farley · Sep 4, 2012

I got that last week, v funny.

Pete · Sep 5, 2012

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to F*** off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

Charlie Farley · Sep 5, 2012

2 cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Pete · Sep 5, 2012

Straight to the classics file!:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Keith1 · Sep 6, 2012

What's in a phrase?

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Pete · Sep 6, 2012

I was chatting to this blonde in the pub last night & telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their br*asts in my hands.

She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said “go on then give it a go!.”

I stood there feeling her them for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer & asked “When was I born then?”

I replied "Yesterday”.

jimbo · Sep 9, 2012

Pete, you are well up on the scoreboard at this point... I don't think anyone is even close. This is close to your magnum opus of a few weeks ago...

Jokes anyone? -

Keith

Jim Rosenthal

Jim Rosenthal

Frank3

Pat

Pete McCluskey.

Jeremy

Mark

Ian Anderson

Jim Rosenthal

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Nick

Charlie Farley

Pete McCluskey.

Charlie Farley

Pete McCluskey.

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

Jim Rosenthal

Similar threads