Jokes anyone? -

Keith

Moderator
Ok Pete, how about an Irish joke every one has heard before which is only mildly funny and more of a social comment?


Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor.
It lands butter-side-up.

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here.
Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top
.”“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy having buttered the toast on the wrong side.
 
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex. Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind." "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on." The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
 
Some strange stuff that lands on the desks at the letting agents.
qoutes from some letters:

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Our neigbour's 8 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cant' bath the children until it is
cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and its getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third,
so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
get BBC2.
 
This made me chuckle:)


MeampJRT1.jpg
 
SAID NO SQUADDIE EVER!

1. Don’t worry the Reme will fix it

2. We’ll just go for one pint

3. I’m glad the Americans are here

4. Here’s your combi-tool back that I borrowed

5. The custard at scoff had absolutely no lumps in it

6. I wouldn’t shag her

7. Shit’s getting serious, let’s call the RAF Reg

8. Here Sir, you take the map

9. Sennybridge accommodation for a week? Yesss!!

10. I’ll trade my biscuit fruits for your biscuit browns

11. Let’s help the guy who dropped his plate in scoff

12. I just got back from exercise, time for a quick and easy shit

13. It’s nearly the end of the month and I have still got a shed load of money in my bank account

14. Don’t worry, the clerks will sort your pay out

15. The rasman wants too see me asap, it MUST be good news

16. The rifles haven’t been fired so we’re not gonna bother cleaning them

17. That new NAAFI bird is a 10

18. The bullshit actually stops once you get to your regiment

19. Of course I don’t mind you taking away my weekend away from me so I can teach the TA

20. Your RAF flight is running with out delay

21. I’m not very keen on haribo

22. The NAAFI is really well priced these days

23. The CO is doing CO’s PT this week

24. who wants to swap my sausage and beans for a mushroom omelette?

25. Another beer? No thanks, got CO’s PT at 0600, and I need some sleep

26. I have total faith in the professional standards and leadership ability of my Platoon Commander

27. I’ll do your stag for you mate

28. Yeah just sign for all that kit in my name

29. We’ll practice this parade formation just once

30. The provo’s a top bloke
 

Keith

Moderator
Er, what do you think Nick... :)

First version I heard was a Newfoundland Lighthouse and there have been several others since. Funny in English..

I don't believe the US Captain really sounded authentic enough in this version and it's amusing to see the Youtube comments (presumably from adolescents or equally ill formed adults) debating how they may be using a computer controlled translator on the carrier to translate. Now THAT you could not make up ..

God DAMN!
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
The real dead give away in that tape is the "captain" telling the lighthouse dude where the task force was headed and for what purpose. There's no way on God's green earth he'd ever have done that!
 

Keith

Moderator
Tip my hat in Pete's general direction for the correct use of the term Courts Martial... :stooge_larry:

Even mainstream media get it wrong these days (why am I not really surprised)
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter








Windows vs Ford


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
A while back, at a computer expo (COMDEX),​



Bill Gates​



reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."​

In response to Bill's comments,​



Ford​



issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):​

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.​

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.​

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.​

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.​

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.​

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.​

7....... The airbag system would ask,"Are you sure?" before deploying.​

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.​

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.​

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.​

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!​

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!​
 
Sorry Nick but it is fake, funny though. And as Larry said if the skipper of any navel ship broadcast details of his mission a Courts Martial would rapidly follow.

Perhaps it was a bum tongue in cheek steer by this captain, allegedly he never tells the truth. ;)
 

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Standards are slipping in the RAF, I mean just where are their butlers for God's sake!!!
 

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