Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV. A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection,
a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection,
a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
A very pissed guy dressed in a superman costume standing at the check in requests a flight to Amsterdam. The young lady told him that he was far to drunk to fly to which he replied I know that which is why I want to go by plane.
Bob
It was probably one of the woggs
Bob
It was probably one of the woggs
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Priceless!!! love it.
One time, I tried to "fly" from where I was to location 2 stories below that...onto a landing area which consisted of concrete and steel grate. 'Didn't work out very well. 'Broken back, shattered lower left leg, broken knee, internal injuries, blood clots and nerve damage. (No, I wasn't drunk. 'Ladder slipped out from under me.)
Sooooooooo, I hafta admire this fellow's grasp on reality!!!
Sooooooooo, I hafta admire this fellow's grasp on reality!!!
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Yes, and then you felt way too much. How long were you in hospital with THAT one? How many months?
An Southern Pastor said to his congregation,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window.
The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress / Senate and White House staff, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.
The man replied, "At least a few gallons."
The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress / Senate and White House staff, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.
The man replied, "At least a few gallons."
HAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!
Ooops...I mean...DISGUSTING. Absolutely DISGUSTING...
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:.Yuck!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
BRITISH AL Q ' A E DA TO GO ON STRIKE
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair."
Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton , where he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow, Shellharbour Australia and British Columbia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going to paradise.
I got the wife one of those Pug dogs for a present the other day, despite the squashed nose,rolls of fat ,bulging eyes,bad breath and being as ugly as fuck the dog really likes her.
Bob
Bob
The Old Man and the Marine
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away . .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and Said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to Speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away . .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and Said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to Speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
