Jokes anyone? -

Nick Brough · Mar 26, 2015

What if,

U2 had found what they were looking for

Bryan Adams had never experienced the summer of 69

And

Bruce Springsteen had been born in Belgium.

Keith1 · Mar 26, 2015

Very good point Nick. We may have even been spared their irritating & incessant wailing about it..

glloyd · Mar 26, 2015

I am SO with you on that one Keith!

Glenn

Nick Brough · Mar 26, 2015

Keith1 said:
Very good point Nick. We may have even been spared their irritating & incessant wailing about it..

Oh dear, I quite like U2 and Bruce, better keep that ne quiet. must be a yutes thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNZ1O2KTOOg

Nick Brough · Mar 27, 2015

I hope this is true

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Larry L. · Mar 27, 2015

^^^ 'One of my all-time favorites!!!

Keith1 · Mar 31, 2015

I'm not really a joke person so it's unsurprising that I hadn't heard this one.

But I'll bet you have...

Anyway, whatever...


The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.

When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What .. .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
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Keith1 · Mar 31, 2015

Nick Brough said:
Oh dear, I quite like U2 and Bruce, better keep that ne quiet. must be a yutes thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNZ1O2KTOOg

Nah, shandy mate....

gtbob · Apr 3, 2015

Reunion

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.

Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect penis.

Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually care assistants in an old people’s home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Larry L. · Apr 3, 2015

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

jimbo · Apr 6, 2015

Ah, a great start to the day. And I especially liked the one about the parrots.

Keith1 · Apr 7, 2015

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w

unctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w

oNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w

ontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w

ontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> A circus owner ran an advert in the Wanted section for a ‘lion tamer’ and two people showed up. One was a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other was a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner told them "I'm not going to sugar coat it, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last trainer so you two had better be good or you're history."

"Here's your equipment," he continued "a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to go first?"

The brunette said "I'll go first."

She walked straight past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped boldly into the cage. The lion immediately began clawing the air and snarling then started to charge her.

As he got close, the brunette threw open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles.

He continued to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then purring loudly, lay down and rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw was on the floor!
He said "That's quite amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He turned to the retired golfer and asked, "Can you top that?"

The old golfer replies, "Very possibly – but you'd have to get that fuckin' lion out of there first."

kaspa · Apr 9, 2015

ah ha the colonel has been listening to none other than the late Tommy Trinder.

Cheers John

Keith1 · Apr 9, 2015

kaspa said:
ah ha the colonel has been listening to none other than the late Tommy Trinder.

Cheers John

Blimey! Am I that old? :stunned:

kaspa · Apr 9, 2015

Me too for being able to remember as well.

john

gtbob · Apr 9, 2015

Confucius did not say

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient

Passionate kiss like a spiders web leads to undoing a fly

Lady who goes camping must be wary of evil intent

Squirrel who runs up a woman's leg will not find nuts ( in the western world only)

A lion will not cheat on his wife but a tiger wood

Man who fish another man's well often catch crabs

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it

Veek · Apr 9, 2015

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

gtbob · Apr 10, 2015

My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station.
We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.
The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us, the wife stood
out in her brightly coloured sun-dress, as all the local women were draped head to toe in burkas
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Jim our group leader ushered us off the train and round the corner from Hounslow Station to the bus terminal,
where we continued our journey safely to Heathrow Airport.

Larry L. · Apr 10, 2015

^^^ "I don't care WHO y'are, 'at thar's funny right thar!" (Larry the Cable Guy)

:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

Pete · Apr 14, 2015

Whilst strolling around the Brisbane Waterfront this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist slip from the quayside and fall into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Brisbane citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Ambulance Service, the Fire Dept and the Immigration Office.
It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

Jokes anyone? -

Nick

Keith

Glenn M

Nick

Nick

Larry L.

Keith

Keith

Robert May Eng.

Larry L.

Jim Rosenthal

Keith

John

Keith

John

Robert May Eng.

Pat

Robert May Eng.

Larry L.

Pete McCluskey.

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