Jokes anyone? -

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin to jump. ("fixin" in Texas means: has the opportunity and the means or abilities to take action).

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said. "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

She replied. "Well bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump you little Yankee, Hillary-loving, liberal left wing Democrat Bastard. You are holding up traffic.
 

Rick Merz

Lifetime Supporter
Heard it before but it always brings a smile. It's a Texas thing! I wasn't born here but I came as soon as I could.
 

Keith

Moderator
This is the Jokes section Al. I'm pretty sure no humour was actually harmed in the construct of your joke. Perhaps it would have been better placed in "Politics" or "Geography"

Yes, I know where the Alamo is too. It's the place in Mexico where John Wayne wore a frilly frock with a beaver on his head and Richard Widmark recorded that brilliant song "Heroes". Correct?
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
Seriously? It was funny, you're being a tad PC.

It was HILLARYous!!!

Sorry, Keith...but, it was. You just have to understand certain 'subtleties' in the way 'Suth-nurz' express themselves...'specially TEX-US 'Suth-nurz'.

So, to atone for my transgressions, I'm now going to go to my room and sit in a corner for the rest of the day. ;)


(BTW...one small correction...the Alamo used to be in Mexico!)
 

Keith

Moderator
Me PC! Now that does belong in the Jokes section. The new rules for the jokes section is it has to make me laugh to pass muster. I just didn't get it did I, or perhaps I did. Who cares?

Thanks for replying anyway.. :thumbsup:
 

Brian Kissel

Lifetime Supporter
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over but continue “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?”
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.'



..
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
A white hunter asked an Indian to let him join the bear hunt. So the two, Indian with bow and arrows, and white with high power rifle, scope and all, set out.

They walked quite a distance from the wigwam, and spotted a huge bear, who also spotted them and charged.

Indian yelled "Run!" and sped up in the direction of the wigwam. The white guy followed, but then thought that he has the rifle, stopped, aimed, and made a kill with the first shot.

The Indian turned around, came up to the bear, and said "White hunter, foolish hunter"."What's foolish? I got it with the first shot!"

The Indian replied, "Yeah, you did. And now we have to drag it all the way to the wigwam."
 
Guys, be careful out there....

A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion… he slept with one of his patients which he believes was consensual, but now can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show you that one mistake can ruin your life.

Thoughts and prayers go out for him and his family.

He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian...
 

Keith

Moderator
Guys, be careful out there....

A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion… he slept with one of his patients which he believes was consensual, but now can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show you that one mistake can ruin your life.

Thoughts and prayers go out for him and his family.

He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian...
Yep, it's a good 'un.. :thumbsup:
 
If the French are an hour ahead of us, why aren’t they all making a fortune betting on UK horse racing and football, the results of which they will know a full 60 minutes ahead of British bookmakers?

After giving a pint of blood donors get a cup of tea and a biscuit to help them recover. Why don’t they give patients in accident and emergency a cup of tea and a biscuit for every pint of blood they have lost, and cut out the middle man?

Hollywood restaurant owners. Make movie executives sit with their food going cold while you give endless previews of meals “coming soon” to a restaurant near them. Then threaten them with prison if they use the same ingredients at home.


My Dad's answer to everything was alcohol...
He didn't drink...
He was just useless at quiz shows.

Anyone else got the Origami Channel?
I know it's paper view, but its well worth the money.

I saw a teenager in a hoody top spray painting a wall with graffiti.
It read “BNAG” so I shouted to him “Oi!! That’s bang out of order!!!”

If only everyone would stop eating margarine, the world would be a butter place.
 
Evelyn, from London, was determined to wear her sunglasses at school and she had a genius idea of how she was gong to be able to make that happen. The resourceful five-year-old wrote a note to her teacher - pretending to be her mum - explaining why she had to wear them.

I have no idea what gave the game away... :)
 

Attachments

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
 
Checked my calendar this morning, it went Greg on Monday Ian on Tuesday Greg on Wednesday Ian on Thursday then repeated the pattern for the whole month. I was wondering what was going on, then it dawned on me it is a Gerg_or_Ian calendar.

Took the kids to the Zoo yesterday all it had was one dog no other animals. It was a shit_zoo.
 
You guys are not sending enough jokes...here is one a friend sent me from one of the 'down under islands',:thumbsup: