Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
This is the Jokes section Al. I'm pretty sure no humour was actually harmed in the construct of your joke. Perhaps it would have been better placed in "Politics" or "Geography"
Yes, I know where the Alamo is too. It's the place in Mexico where John Wayne wore a frilly frock with a beaver on his head and Richard Widmark recorded that brilliant song "Heroes". Correct?
Yes, I know where the Alamo is too. It's the place in Mexico where John Wayne wore a frilly frock with a beaver on his head and Richard Widmark recorded that brilliant song "Heroes". Correct?
Seriously? It was funny, you're being a tad PC.
It was HILLARYous!!!
Sorry, Keith...but, it was. You just have to understand certain 'subtleties' in the way 'Suth-nurz' express themselves...'specially TEX-US 'Suth-nurz'.
So, to atone for my transgressions, I'm now going to go to my room and sit in a corner for the rest of the day.
(BTW...one small correction...the Alamo used to be in Mexico!)
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over but continue “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?”
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.'
..
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over but continue “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?”
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.'
..
Excellent question.
That would be DARNED funny if it weren't so true!!! :2thumbsup:
A white hunter asked an Indian to let him join the bear hunt. So the two, Indian with bow and arrows, and white with high power rifle, scope and all, set out.
They walked quite a distance from the wigwam, and spotted a huge bear, who also spotted them and charged.
Indian yelled "Run!" and sped up in the direction of the wigwam. The white guy followed, but then thought that he has the rifle, stopped, aimed, and made a kill with the first shot.
The Indian turned around, came up to the bear, and said "White hunter, foolish hunter".<!-- /react-text --><!-- react-text: 487 -->"What's foolish? I got it with the first shot!"
The Indian replied, "Yeah, you did. And now we have to drag it all the way to the wigwam."
They walked quite a distance from the wigwam, and spotted a huge bear, who also spotted them and charged.
Indian yelled "Run!" and sped up in the direction of the wigwam. The white guy followed, but then thought that he has the rifle, stopped, aimed, and made a kill with the first shot.
The Indian turned around, came up to the bear, and said "White hunter, foolish hunter".<!-- /react-text --><!-- react-text: 487 -->"What's foolish? I got it with the first shot!"
The Indian replied, "Yeah, you did. And now we have to drag it all the way to the wigwam."
Guys, be careful out there....
A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion… he slept with one of his patients which he believes was consensual, but now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.
This just goes to show you that one mistake can ruin your life.
Thoughts and prayers go out for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian...
A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion… he slept with one of his patients which he believes was consensual, but now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.
This just goes to show you that one mistake can ruin your life.
Thoughts and prayers go out for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian...
Yep, it's a good 'un.. :thumbsup:
If the French are an hour ahead of us, why aren’t they all making a fortune betting on UK horse racing and football, the results of which they will know a full 60 minutes ahead of British bookmakers?
After giving a pint of blood donors get a cup of tea and a biscuit to help them recover. Why don’t they give patients in accident and emergency a cup of tea and a biscuit for every pint of blood they have lost, and cut out the middle man?
Hollywood restaurant owners. Make movie executives sit with their food going cold while you give endless previews of meals “coming soon” to a restaurant near them. Then threaten them with prison if they use the same ingredients at home.
My Dad's answer to everything was alcohol...
He didn't drink...
He was just useless at quiz shows.
Anyone else got the Origami Channel?
I know it's paper view, but its well worth the money.
I saw a teenager in a hoody top spray painting a wall with graffiti.
It read “BNAG” so I shouted to him “Oi!! That’s bang out of order!!!”
If only everyone would stop eating margarine, the world would be a butter place.
After giving a pint of blood donors get a cup of tea and a biscuit to help them recover. Why don’t they give patients in accident and emergency a cup of tea and a biscuit for every pint of blood they have lost, and cut out the middle man?
Hollywood restaurant owners. Make movie executives sit with their food going cold while you give endless previews of meals “coming soon” to a restaurant near them. Then threaten them with prison if they use the same ingredients at home.
My Dad's answer to everything was alcohol...
He didn't drink...
He was just useless at quiz shows.
Anyone else got the Origami Channel?
I know it's paper view, but its well worth the money.
I saw a teenager in a hoody top spray painting a wall with graffiti.
It read “BNAG” so I shouted to him “Oi!! That’s bang out of order!!!”
If only everyone would stop eating margarine, the world would be a butter place.
Evelyn, from London, was determined to wear her sunglasses at school and she had a genius idea of how she was gong to be able to make that happen. The resourceful five-year-old wrote a note to her teacher - pretending to be her mum - explaining why she had to wear them.
I have no idea what gave the game away...
I have no idea what gave the game away...
Attachments
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
Checked my calendar this morning, it went Greg on Monday Ian on Tuesday Greg on Wednesday Ian on Thursday then repeated the pattern for the whole month. I was wondering what was going on, then it dawned on me it is a Gerg_or_Ian calendar.
Took the kids to the Zoo yesterday all it had was one dog no other animals. It was a shit_zoo.
Took the kids to the Zoo yesterday all it had was one dog no other animals. It was a shit_zoo.
Robert S.
GT40s Supporter
The top 30 children's books you'll never see
30) "You Are Different and That's Bad"
29) "Dad's New Wife, Timothy"
28) "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
27) "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
26) "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
25) "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
24) "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
23) "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
22) "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
21) "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" 20) "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
19) "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
18) "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
17) "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
16) "You Were an Accident"
15) "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
14) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
13) "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
12) "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
11) "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
10) "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
9) "All Dogs Go to Hell"
8) "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
7) "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
6) "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
5) "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
4) "Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends"
3) "Bi-Curious George"
2) "How to Dress Sexy for Adults"
1) "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
30) "You Are Different and That's Bad"
29) "Dad's New Wife, Timothy"
28) "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
27) "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
26) "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
25) "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
24) "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
23) "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
22) "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
21) "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" 20) "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
19) "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
18) "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
17) "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
16) "You Were an Accident"
15) "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
14) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
13) "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
12) "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
11) "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
10) "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
9) "All Dogs Go to Hell"
8) "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
7) "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
6) "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
5) "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
4) "Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends"
3) "Bi-Curious George"
2) "How to Dress Sexy for Adults"
1) "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"