Jokes anyone? -

[Robert S.]

The top 30 children's books you'll never see

30) "You Are Different and That's Bad"
29) "Dad's New Wife, Timothy"
28) "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
27) "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
26) "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
25) "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
24) "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
23) "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
22) "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
21) "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" 20) "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
19) "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
18) "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
17) "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
16) "You Were an Accident"
15) "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
14) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
13) "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
12) "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
11) "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
10) "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
9) "All Dogs Go to Hell"
8) "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
7) "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
6) "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
5) "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
4) "Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends"
3) "Bi-Curious George"
2) "How to Dress Sexy for Adults"
1) "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

 

[BenL]

Re: The top 30 children's books you'll never see

If you like those book titles, take a look at "Uncle Shelby's ABZs book" written by Shel Silverstein.

I used to buy it for friends that have new born children.

When I first saw the book, it didn't have any stickers on the cover. Then it started getting stickers that say "A Primer for Adults". Now it's printed on the cover so you can remove it before giving the book to your friends' kids.

I is for Ink
Ink is black and wet.
Ink is fun.

What rhymes with ink?

"D R _ _ _"

 

[BenL]

Re: The top 30 children's books you'll never see

Now it's printed on the cover so you can remove it before giving the book to your friends' kids.

That should say "Now it's printed on the cover so you can't remove it before giving the book to your friends' kids."

 

[Robert Lee]

I was driving to a car show Saturday evening a few miles up the road. I stopped to pick up a buddy on the way. Not five minutes later, he starts moaning about how hungry he was. We had half an hour to kill and I had no intention of turning around, so asked if Dirty Macs (MacDonalds) was ok. He said it was fine and I turned in the parking lot a minute later.

I parked the car as he ran inside and followed shortly after. He was already done with his order, had his number in hand and walking to the drink fountain, when I walked in. I just ordered a drink and we both sat down. The counter kid called his number, so my buddy went up to get his tray. Two Big Mac's, five double cheeseburgers, a large fry, a big box of nuggets and one apple pie ( he ordered a diet Coke, just to be clear here). He put the highly stacked tray down and dug right in.

He looked up with a puzzled look, so I asked him what was wrong. Someone forgot the burger in one of the Big Mac's. He yells out, embarrassing me in the process, "Where's the beef?" (Wow, we are old) The few people around us pretended they heard nothing and tried their best to ignore his outburst, but he continued yelling, until the counter kid came to our table. Soon, he and my buddy we're at the counter arguing, so I got up to calm things down.

The manager had come up front at this point to see what the commotion was and asked me (her son is one of my scouts, so she knows me ) what was going on. "Where's the beef", my buddy says to her while holding up an empty burger. I told her about the burger or lack-there-of, and she apologized for the mistake. She said something through a small opening in the staging area to the cook girl and she began running around the kitchen area. A new Big Mac was placed in my friends happy hands and satisfied, we returned to our table.

When we got to the table, it was occupied by a nasty looking baglady. She was wearing an old tattered shirt, cut off jeans, a Whalers hat and had her huge bag neatly sitting in my chair. She looked up and I explained that this was our table, but we'd be happy to move our stuff to another one. She asked me, "what stuff?" I took a step back to that reply. My buddy did not. He jumped right in with some loud comments and reached down to get his tray. She smacked his hand away. I never saw a man about to cry over food before that moment. I grabbed his arm and pulled him away.

We walked back up to the counter and the kids face suddenly had an expression that looked like terror. He thought there was another burger discrepancy, but we calmed him down and told him what happened. The counter kid thought he could help, so followed us back to the table. He explained to the baglady that the food was purchased by us, but she refused to yeild. He took us back to the counter and ran somewhere in the back bringing the manager back with him.

After explaining the new situation, she led us to our table. She asked the baglady to vacate the table and our food, but she suddenly pulled out our receipts (we left them on the tray, who keeps them?) and said this was her food and had the receipt to prove it. I had to hold my buddy back while she waved them in the air. We were quickly escorted back to the counter and told we would get a replacement order and just let this go. It would also be best to take it to go. We agreed and headed out the door, new food in hand.

My buddy finnished his order in a few minutes (the guy can put it away) and headed inside for a drink refill. As I was playing with the radio, I got startled by a sudden knock on my window. My buddy was jumping up and down like a giddy school girl who just saw Justin Bieber. I opened the door and was pulled back inside MacDonald's. I asked what was going on, but then noticed the large bag, still sitting on my chair from earlier. My buddy sat down and told me to sit also. The baglady was gone, but left her big bag. I lifted it onto the table, it was far heavier than I first had thought and sat myself down where this entire thing started.

Sure enough, the baglady came back to the table. She saw us and quickly reached for her bag. My buddy has huge hands and smacked the table top with a very audible clap. She recoiled, but urged us to give her the bag. My buddy refused and told her it was his.

Frustrated, she went to the counter. We watch he the counter kid walk into the back, trying to hold back a laugh as he went. Soon the manager emerged and headed our way. She too hid a smile and laugh, dying to escape. The manager explained that the big bag belongs to the lady, but my buddy reached into his pocket and produced some sort of receipt and slammed it on the table. He said, "this is my big bag and I have the receipt to prove it." The manager ushered the baglady out and after a few minutes we left.

Of course my buddy carried that big old bag for the entire night. His personal trophy for being a prick, but we'll won.

 

[Nick]

Why do tourists pay to go to the top of tall buildings, then put money in binoculars to look at people on the ground :shrug:

 

[Larry L.]

Why do tourists pay to go to the top of tall buildings, then put money in binoculars to look at people on the ground :shrug:

LOL!

Perhaps for the same reason they throw trash on the ground and pay other people to pick it up!

 

[Nick]

If at first you don't succeed, they maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you!

 

[Stephen Ducker]

For goodness sake don't use the new Tesco Dating App !

My mate did and got a bag for life.

groan, Steve

 

[Charlie Farley]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting
for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't
have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the
tooth, and be done with it! We have a10:00am tee time at
the best golf course in town and it's 9:30already...I don't
have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with
real balls!!"

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey,
and show the dentist.”

 

[Charlie Farley]

 

[Geert-Jan]

 

[Paul Hendrickx]

no comment.......a good one!

 

[John]

no comment.......a good one!

oh dear, and they breed. god help us/

 

[John]

While riding my Harley one day, I swerved to avoid hitting a skippy, [kangaroo] lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new car pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."

 

[Nick]

 

[Pat]

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail
by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst..."I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”
I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest….

 

[Grady]

Very good

 

[Pat]

Tool Technology

SKIL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh shit'.
DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt.
But can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER :
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.
Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[Rick Merz]

I started working with tools around 11 years old and I think I have personal experience with at least 14 of the tool technology definitions listed, funny because it is so true.

 

[Charlie Farley]

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along @ 800 km/hour (497.1 mph) @ 33,000‘ when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
The F17 pilot decided to show off a little bit. On his state-of-the-art radio that is part of his state-of-the-art 3D & million dollar headset, the F17 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey, Captain, watch this!”
He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished w/a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before leveling at almost sea level.
The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?
The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 chugged along for about five (5) minutes at the steady 800 km/hour (497.1 mph), & then the 777 pilot came back on & said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the hell did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled & said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee & a cinnamon roll &d secured a date for the next three (3) nights in a 5-star hotel paid for by the company"
“LESSON OF LIFE”
When you are young & foolish, speed & flash may seem like a good thing!
When you get older & smarter, comfort & dullness is not such a bad thing!
It's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older & Smarter!
Dedicated to all my friends approaching S.O.S.
"Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway."​