Jokes anyone? -

Bill Musarra

Supporter
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? "Are you nuts?!!!"she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"



"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End
On their way to Doomagee, he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land....through the air.....under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Ford Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm VB(Beer). There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man! How do you know all that?" asked one.





The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the f**kin' thing about half an hour ago!"
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
 
:mad:Subject:
1957 vs 2007
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario : Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark! shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

< /SPAN>Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. < BR>
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class a ction lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


:pepper::pepper::lol::lol:;);)rockonsmilerockonsmile:confused::confused::mad::mad::D:D:pepper::pepper:
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s#x, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,
Did you?

"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says HELLO!
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.
'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
 

Brian Kissel

Staff member
Moderator
Lifetime Supporter
An old lady dies and goes to heaven



An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful,blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of."

"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that."
 
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the
north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the
10/10/95.

*
BRITISH:* Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid
collision.
*
US Navy :* Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid collision
*
BRITISH:* Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid collision
*
US Navy :* This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
*
BRITISH:* Negative I say again divert your course.
*
US Navy :* THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.




*
BRITISH :* We are a lighthouse. F*** off
 
Did you hear about that new French tank?

It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
 
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Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
World's Best Divorce Letter

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the F***ing remote is.

Love, Dan
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
I dunno how old it is but it made me laff again!

> A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down
> in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a black
> eye, too.
>
> He says to him, 'Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind
> if I ask how you got yours?'.
>
> The other guy says, 'Well it just happened. It was a tongue twister
> accident.
>
> See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most
> massive breasts in the world was there. So instead of saying 'I'd like two
> tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said ''I'd like two pickets to
> Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one.'
>
> The first guy replies 'Wow, this is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister
> too! 'I was at the breakfast table and wanted to say to my wife 'Please
> pour me a bowl of breakfast cereal, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my
> life you miserable, self-centered, fat-arsed bitch.
 

Peter Delaney

GT40s Supporter
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for ?' one of the friend's asked. 'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied. 'A talking Maori clock - seriously ?' 'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).' 'How's it work ?' the second friend asked, squinting at it. 'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For f*#k's sake, you stupid coconut . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
 

Peter Delaney

GT40s Supporter
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said,

You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought,


'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her

and then gave it his all;

right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,


'Thanks,'

and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'

She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'
 

Peter Delaney

GT40s Supporter
A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.


After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi,


"If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"


"The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.


Finally, he says,


"Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

 

Peter Delaney

GT40s Supporter
Doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and I don't want to close the
clinic. So I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me
patients'.


'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.


The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Murphy, how was your day?'


Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one
had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.


'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did
sir' says Murphy.


'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'
asks the doctor.


'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue,
she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her
panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''


Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.



'I put drops in her eyes.'
 
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